


Iris

by TheFoolontheHill



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: A bit of fluff here and there, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Coming Out, Drug Use, Drunken Flirting, F/M, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Mild Smut, Minor Character Death, Sexuality Crisis, Strangers to Lovers, like... extremely mild smut, mention of drugs, mostly high school but there are mentions of elementary middle and a bit of college, will probably update tags as i go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 13:53:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 66,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28707717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheFoolontheHill/pseuds/TheFoolontheHill
Summary: Harry wasn't sure if his feelings towards Louis were due to attraction or infatuation. Whatever the case may be, Harry has been through a lot in life and Louis just wants to be a good friend. Little does he know, Louis needs Harry more than he'd ever imagine._______"You're really starting to piss me off, Harry.""Fuck you, Louis. I don't need you to fucking babysit me all the time. I don't need you to-""Harry, I'm so close to losing my shit. I want to beat the fuck out of you right about now.""What else?""What?""What else do you want to do to me?""What are you on about?""What else do you want to do to me, Louis?" Harry repeats as his eyes flick down to Louis' lips for a moment, then back up to his eyes. "What else?"_______
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 31
Kudos: 84





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This first chapter is a bit of a backstory to fill you in on how everyone meets and where they're at now.

Harry made his way down the unnecessarily long hallway with his backpack slung over his shoulders. He maneuvered his way around all of the bodies so that he could get to his homeroom in time. He pulled open the sky blue door and made his way over to his assigned seat as he gave a small smile to his homeroom teacher. 

He takes a seat and immediately pulls out his phone and earphones. Just then, he receives a text from his good friend, Niall. 

**Niall: did you make it on time?**

**Harry: yeah mate just got here. can’t wait to be out of here though**

**Niall: yeh can’t wait to get home and throw out all the bullshit work from this year**

**Harry: same haha. bell just rang, ill take to you later**

It was Harry’s last day of the 8th grade and he was buzzing. He and Niall met in elementary school although Niall is a grade above him. Nonetheless, they met during recess and clicked instantly. They had so much in common and, to Harry’s surprise, he really enjoyed being around Niall. He just had this carefree energy that Harry admired and strived to achieve as well. 

Harry had always been a shy kid. He grew up spending most of his time with his sister, Gemma, but, since she’s 5 years older than him, they never went to school together. 

When Niall went off to middle school, Harry spent most of his days in the library during recess and lunch either reading or working on homework. He had friends but he just wasn’t as comfortable around them as he was with Niall. And when he finally got to middle school, Niall introduced him to Liam, though it took him a while to open up to him. 

Niall knows everything about Harry. Every little detail. Well, maybe not _every_ detail… Harry’s been having doubts about… Nevermind. 

Harry never thought that he would allow anyone in as much as he did with Niall but he was glad he did because Niall was the kind of person to never judge and always listen when you needed to vent. He’d let you talk for hours on end just to make you feel better and Harry was just so thankful to have him in his life. 

Niall was pretty protective over Harry. He took on a “big brother” role early on when he noticed how reserved and timid Harry was. He always made it a mission to make Harry smile when he was feeling out of it and never failed. Harry was _so_ thankful. 

Harry, Niall, and Liam grew incredibly close throughout middle school. They hung out every day during recess and lunch and even hung out outside of school on many occasions. Harry was always amused at how mature Liam portrayed himself to be in public in comparison to how immature he was when it was just the three of them hanging out at one of their monthly sleepovers. 

Needless to say, Harry loved them. A lot. 

About ten minutes from their school is another middle school in which two boys, named Louis and Zayn, are attending. It wasn’t until 7th grade that these two troublemakers met. Though, it was unfortunate that their meeting only resulted since Louis had flunked his classes and was held back a year, forcing him to have to be a 7th grader all over again. Obviously, he was extremely embarrassed by this and all of his friends made sure to tease him about it. He hated the fact that all of his mates were going to be off to highschool while Louis had to stay at this shithole for an extra year. He fucking hated this school. Mostly because he was held back even though that was his own fault and he recognized that, but he still needed something to blame and it would never be himself. No, he wouldn’t blame himself, he was too stubborn to do so. 

Louis and Zayn hit it off pretty well. Almost as well as Harry and Niall did since they also had a lot in common. They tried not to take life too seriously and just wanted to fuck around and have a good time. But Zayn was a bit more focused when it came time to his schoolwork which actually helped Louis a lot. They’d spend time doing homework together even if they didn’t share the same classes. Being in Zayn’s presence when he was working on an assignment filled Louis with a drive to work on his own assignments. So, naturally, he thanked Zayn when they both finished middle school. 

When they got to highschool, Louis met Niall and fell in love with the kid. He thought Niall was hilarious and boisterous, the complete antithesis of Zayn which was a bit refreshing. Soon, Louis introduced Niall to Zayn to which Niall reciprocated and introduced them to Liam. 

The four lads would hang out every day during lunch (their school didn’t have a recess period but they didn’t complain since they’d be let out 10 minutes earlier than every other school in the area) telling jokes and messing about. They’d hang out at a circular lunch table and occasionally had minor food fights. Liam always tried to steer away from them, but Louis always brought out the child in him and he’d always cave in. They were a good bunch. 

It was the last week of their first year at highschool when Niall first brought up Harry. 

“I can’t wait for Harry to finally join us next year.” Niall stated with excitement. He had talked about Louis and Zayn with Harry, although Harry was a little reluctant to meet them. Mostly because of his nerves. He just knew it was going to take him a while to open up, that is _if_ he’d ever open up. 

“Who’s Harry?” Louis asked, mouth full of crisps. 

“He’s one of my best mates. We met in elementary and have been friends ever since. He’s a great lad, you’d like him.” Niall said as he began typing out a text to Harry. 

“Yeah, he’s a bit quiet but, once you get to know him, he’s quite the character.” Liam said with a slightly fond smile. 

“As quiet as Zayn here?” Louis asked, nudging Zayn in the arm with his elbow. 

“Yeah- but, he opens up! He’s a sweetheart, really. He’s easy to get along with.” Niall said and, with that, the bell rings as they boys pack up their things and make their way to their classes. 

That summer, Harry wanted to spend more time with his family. He would see Liam and Niall every so often, but he really just wanted to see his mum, Gemma, and his grandpa as much as he could. And the boys never pushed him or gave him shit about it because they knew how much Harry valued his family and they’d never want to meddle with that. 

When they’d end up hanging out, Niall would always ask Harry ahead of time if he could invite Zayn and Louis along but Harry was still a little reluctant to meet them. So, they agreed that Harry would just meet them on the first day when school starts back up. 

And it came to no surprise when Harry meets the two other boys and decides that he feels a bit indifferent about them. He likes Zayn, but feels like Zayn is silently judging him. And, Louis? God, Louis is just _so_ loud. Harry sometimes wants to just plug in his earphones and turn his music all the way up just to drown out Louis’ painfully sharp, high pitched voice. Although, he must admit that the lad was pretty funny. And he was a bit… attractive? But, he’d never admit that. 

Niall reassured Harry about Zayn on many occasions with, “He’s not judging you, mate. S’just how he is. He’s quiet and-uh-sort of mysterious, I guess you could say. But, he’s a great guy! I’ve never heard him say one bad thing about anyone.” 

Harry was still unsure. He was always unsure and Niall knew that. But, Niall was a patient person and patience was exactly what he needed when it came to Harry. 

“I don’t know, Niall. You know it’s hard for me to just be open with anyone and- I just don’t know if I can open up to them.” 

“Look, if you don’t feel comfortable around them, we don’t have to hang out with them. You mean a lot to me, Harry, you know that, and I just want you to be happy.” 

“I know. But, I don’t want to pull you away from them when you clearly love being around them… Don’t worry about me, Niall,” Harry said with a reassuring smile. “I’ll try harder to open up, I promise.” 

Niall sighed with relief and said, “Thanks, Harry. I appreciate you trying. I know it’s hard, but I believe in you.” 

This was how their friendship always was. They were always so kind to each other and so supportive of one another. Harry needed Niall as much as Niall needed Harry. Niall provided reassurance and comfort while Harry provided great life advice… and the occasional shitty pun, but Niall secretly loved them even though he’d state otherwise. It was odd, though, because Harry hadn’t really experienced much in his life. Niall always said that Harry was “some sort of philosopher or some shit” in his past life which Harry always found amusing and agreed with as well. 

As the year went on, Harry found himself enjoying their times at lunch. He wouldn’t always chime into the conversations, but always laughed along if one of the boys said something funny. He even found himself chatting with Zayn every so often, but was still a little intimidated by him. He was still a bit shy around Louis, but their eyes would meet across that circular table every so often. And, when their eyes would meet, Louis would give Harry the most genuine smile. His eyes would squint and they’d get crinkle-y and- Harry always smiled back. It was infectious. And- okay, maybe he would blush, too. 

Harry and Louis are yet to have a normal conversation. So far, all they’d do is greet each other when they met at the table and, yeah, Harry would laugh at Louis’ jokes. But, that’s really it thus far. Harry actually helped Louis with some of his homework once. Louis had expressed how he was having some trouble in his English class and Niall had mentioned that Harry was pretty good with punctuation and all that. So, that’s how Harry found Louis sitting uncomfortably close to him one day at lunch as he scanned over his homework. Harry was trying so hard to sit still, but couldn’t ignore the pace of his heart growing faster every time he felt Louis’ warm breath brush against his arm as Louis leant closer to the table to look over the paper. Harry couldn’t ignore the way their thighs were pressing against each other. He wondered if Louis was feeling the same way? And if what he was feeling was normal? He's never had any sort of intimacy in his life so he's just really fucking confused.

Their first actual conversation happened one night during a sleepover at Niall’s home while his parents were away for the weekend. And, in that one night, Louis learned more about Harry than he thought he ever would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thanks for giving this fic a shot! I really appreciate it and I just wanted to add that this story is extremely personal to me. I've added a lot of thoughts and reflections on certain situations in this story that I haven't had the chance, or courage, to share with anyone. I know that my anonymity here will help me be more open with prior situations that I have been in and I hope that one day I will have enough strength to confide in the people closest to me. 
> 
> I've based their schooling on the American school system only because it was easier to write about for me :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis and Harry finally have a conversation. This is everything they've waited for. (See what I did there? Hehe.)

The boys all met at Niall’s house around eight o’clock that Friday night and it was the best time they’d had in a while. They’d never had a sleepover all together before so it was really fucking chaotic in the house that night. They were bouncing off the walls, throwing shit around, and screaming at the tops of their lungs. Even Harry found himself having a good time. He’d never expect himself to be in a situation like this, and enjoy it as much as he was, but, he was growing more comfortable around Zayn and Louis, and Niall could see that. 

They ate shitty junk food and watched the most ridiculous videos on YouTube until it was nearing midnight and all of the boys were growing tired. 

“Should we call it a night, boys?” Niall asked, looking around the room, it was a complete mess. “We’ll clean up tomorrow. I’ve got absolutely no energy right now.” 

Zayn nodded as Liam yawned into his hand. Louis stood up from his seat on the floor and stretched his arms over his head with a yawn. Harry may have glanced at the bit of skin that was exposed above the waistband of his jeans due to his stretching. He prays that no one noticed. 

Harry had helped Niall set up some air mattresses in his bedroom earlier so that everyone had a place to sleep comfortably. The boys settled in as Niall handed out pillows and blankets. They were all so low on energy that they could shut their eyes right now and fall asleep instantly. But, would it be a proper sleepover if the boys didn’t crack a few jokes as they laid sleepily on their respective mattresses? Of course not. So, that’s what they did. And just when the room would fall silent, someone would make a fart noise causing barks of laughter to fill throughout the room. 

It wasn’t until Zayn chimed in and said, “Alright, shut the fuck up. I’m going to sleep.” 

A beat of silence fills the room. Then, another fart noise. It was definitely Louis this time.

“Louis, shut the fuck up!” Zayn roared as the rest of the boys snorted and tried to stifle their laughs. Harry was literally biting his fist trying not to laugh as tears filled his eyes. 

“Alright, alright. Goodnight, lads.” Louis said. And that was that. 

\--

Louis’ eyes opened slowly. He dug for his phone under the pillow and checked the time and saw that it was nearly three in the morning and was about to stuff the phone back under the pillow and go back to sleep when he heard someone shifting around in their bed. He turned his phone to allow the screen to light up the room and noticed Liam flipping over in his sleep. He also noticed that one of the mattresses was empty and soon enough realized that it was Harry who wasn’t in bed. 

_He’s probably in the restroom_ , Louis thought. He looked towards Niall’s bedroom door, which was across from the restroom in the hallway, but the light wasn’t on inside. He shut his eyes for a moment, debating on whether or not he should just go back to bed or search for Harry. He sighs and pulls the blanket off of himself as he stands up and wraps the blanket around his shoulders and makes his way out of the room as quietly as he can. 

He goes down the stairs and into the living room. No sign of Harry. He wanders into the kitchen. No sign of Harry. At this point, he was getting a bit worried. He was about to send a text to Harry when he felt a light breeze wash over his body. He looks to his left and notices the sliding door that leads to Niall’s backyard is open. He walks over and peaks his head out only to find Harry sitting on a bench, staring into the yard. 

“Harry?” Louis says cautiously. 

Harry jumps as his head quickly turns in Louis’ direction. “Louis- you scared me.” Harry says as he places a hand over his chest. 

“Sorry, mate.” Louis says with a light chuckle. “What are you doing out here?”

“Just… enjoying the view.” 

“At three in the morning?”

“Yeah.” 

Alright, Louis found it a bit strange, but he didn’t question it. “Mind if I join you, then?” He asked, knowing he’d feel guilty if he went back to bed and left Harry alone out there. 

“I don’t mind.” Harry stated as he slid over, making room for Louis. 

Louis sat on the cushion and turned his head towards Harry. “Do you want to share my blanket?” 

“S-sure.” Harry replied shyly. Soon enough, he was sitting under a blanket with Louis… at three in the morning… in Niall’s backyard. He’d never picture himself in this position. Yet, there he was. 

After a while of them sitting quietly, maybe a bit awkwardly, Louis spoke up. “It is quite the view out here. Lots of trees.” He looks around at the moonlit yard as he waits for Harry’s reply.

“I like coming out here sometimes. It’s pretty relaxing you know. Especially when you close your eyes.” 

Louis closes his eyes and listens to the leaves on the trees rustling as the light breeze flows through them. He could literally fall asleep right there on that bench. Harry was right, it was _very_ soothing. 

“Hm,” Louis started. “So, you do this often, then? You hang out in Niall’s backyard at three in the morning regularly?” He teased. He looked over at Harry who gave him a shy smile. 

“No! God, you make me sound like a creep.” He chuckled. “I meant during the day. Niall and I like to chill out here sometimes.”

“Ah.” Louis replied. 

Silence fell over them again as Louis tried to start a conversation. His mind raced as he tried to think of what they could possibly talk about. Louis shouldn’t be thinking this hard. He is pretty good at chatting with people but, with Harry, he’s just a little reluctant. He doesn’t know what Harry likes or dislikes. He doesn’t even know if they have much in common. So, he decides to just ask Harry about himself. Now, to come up with a question… Ah. Here’s one.

“So, from what I’ve noticed, your only friends are Niall and Liam?” Louis asks. He realizes, after he asks, that the question was sort of bland. It kind of made Harry sound like a loser and he instantly regretted asking. But, Harry didn’t seem all that bothered by it. 

“Well, I mean- I’ve got acquaintances, you know. But, people come and go. That’s life.” Harry replied calmly. 

“And what’s so special about Liam and Niall? Why’ve you decided to let them stick around?” 

“They’re different. I can tell that they _want_ to be my friend.” Harry starts. “Niall and I met in elementary school, it was my first day at the school. We had recess together and I guess he noticed that I would sit alone on a bench… He’d figured that I didn’t know anyone so he kind of just started hanging out with me. No complaints, though.” 

“And, Liam?” 

“Later on, in middle school, Niall had met Liam and introduced us. I always liked Liam. He carries himself well and doesn’t take everything too seriously. Kind of like Niall except Niall is on another level of carefree.” 

Harry turns to Louis after another wave of silence falls over them. He was surprised to find Louis already looking at him with a fond smile painted across his face. Harry cleared his throat and said, “What about you? Have you got anyone else aside from Zayn?”

“I’ve got a lot of acquaintances as well. Too many, actually. Zayn and I met after I got held back a year. He was a tough nut to crack, that boy.” Louis chuckled. He loved Zayn, but, _dammit_ it took him ages to get Zayn out of his comfort zone. 

“You were held back a year?” 

“Y-yeah. I had to repeat seventh grade.” Louis replied hesitantly. He was still pretty embarrassed about that entire situation. And having to bring it up to Harry only made him feel even more pathetic. Harry was literally brilliant and Louis just felt so small now. He was just waiting for Harry to start teasing him like all his friends used to do, but was surprised when Harry did nothing of the sort. 

“How old are you, then?” Harry asked. 

“I’m turning 17 in December.” 

“That’s cool. I’m turning 15 next year in February.” Harry replied. It was such a simple conversation, but Louis found himself really enjoying it. He didn’t get to hear Harry’s voice that often so he didn’t mind the small talk at all. 

“I like Zayn. He does seem like he’d be a tough nut to crack, but I like him nonetheless. He’s very stoic.” Harry says as he looks off into the yard yet again. “D-do you think I’m a tough nut to crack, as well? Maybe… Maybe that’s why people don’t stick around? Maybe I’m too shy or too boring or-”

“Harry,” Louis interjects. “It’s alright, kid. You are a tough nut to crack, yeah. But, look at you, you’ve opened up so much already and I’m… I’m honored, really. Sure, you’re shy but I just don’t see how that’s a problem. And- boring? _Please!_ This is our first real conversation and I’ve been nothing but intrigued the entire time.” Louis had placed his hand on Harry’s shoulder and gave it a light squeeze before he continued. “As far as people sticking around, people come and go. That’s life.” 

An amused smile made its way across Harry’s lips. “Hm, I wonder what brilliant bloke said that?” 

“Ah…” Louis removed his hand from Harry’s shoulder and rubbed his chin in mock concentration. “Can’t remember, mate.” 

“In that case, I’ll claim it as my own. Harry Styles, British philosopher.” 

“Cheeky, Mr. Philosopher.” Louis said as he crossed his arms behind his head and leaned back further into his seat. Harry looks away as he blushes. He tries to hide his smile from Louis, but Louis sees it and feels good knowing that he caused it. 

More silence. This time, it lasted much longer. But it was a comfortable silence. Both boys just lost in their own thoughts. After nearly five minutes of coexisting, Harry speaks up.

“One of my best friends is actually my grandpa.” 

“That so?”

“Yeah.”

“Why’s that?”

“Lots of reasons.” 

Louis could tell that there was more Harry wanted to say but felt like he needed a bit of coaxing. “I don’t mean to intrude but- Care to elaborate?”

Harry stayed quiet for a moment as he chewed on his lip. He wanted to open up more and he even promised Niall he would. But, he was just _so_ incredibly shy and always expected the worst. He took in a deep breath. 

“He’s just- He’s the greatest man I’ve ever known.” Harry says, voice gruff. 

“He must really be something then, huh?”

“He really is. I can’t put into words how much I admire him and how much I appreciate everything he’s done for my mum, Gemma, and I.”

“Gemma?”

“My sister.”

“Ah. Well, Mr. Philosopher, already he sounds like an exceptional man.”

“Yeah.” Harry replies with a fond smile splayed out on his face as he looks around at the various trees before them. He sits quietly waiting for something to leave Louis’ mouth. It never does, so Harry takes matters into his own hands. Which is so weird to think about! Harry would never be able to just talk as much as he is right now with anyone else. He barely even knew Louis. Sure, they hang out every day during lunch, but they never really talk. They just acknowledge each other’s existence and call it a day. 

“He- um. He takes me fishing.” Harry states quietly. 

“Yeah? So, that’s something you enjoy, then?”

Harry nods, smiling again. “I enjoy it a lot. I enjoy his company more, though. He and I… We both don’t talk much but being in each other’s presence is always enough.”

Louis nods, hoping that Harry will continue and, thankfully, he does. 

“He’s pretty old-school. Still burns CDs and all that.”

“CDs? Haven’t seen one of those since I was, like, five or something.” Louis teases causing a small chuckle to escape Harry’s lips. 

“Yeah, he’s _vintage_. But I like that about him. He sticks with what he knows… He’s incredibly funny as well.”

“As funny as you?”

“God, no! He’s much funnier. There’s no contest, really.”

“ _Please_ , I’ve heard those puns of yours. Sure, they’re awful and make me question my existence, but I’d be lying if I said that they weren’t the least bit amusing. Especially when you laugh at your own jokes. That’s fuckin’ hilarious!” Louis starts laughing by the end of his sentence, looking over at Harry who is so obviously blushing with his lips parted. 

“Oh, God. I thought I was being quiet with those. I like to share them with Niall because I know how much it annoys him. I didn’t think you could hear them.” Harry says bashfully. Louis notices a dimple on Harry’s cheek. It’s very deep. Should he poke it? No, he shouldn’t… Harry wouldn’t like that, would he? Best not to… 

“What can I say? I’m a listener.” Louis shrugs.

Harry turns to him, eyes flicking over Louis’ face. Louis doesn’t say anything, just stares back at him. Harry looks like he’s contemplating the meaning of life and Louis just wants to laugh so badly. Then, Harry speaks.

“That you are.”


	3. Chapter 3

They talked all night. Harry talked mostly about his family and Louis could see how much his family means to him. Louis talked about his siblings and wasn’t shocked to see Harry’s look of surprise when he found out just how many siblings he had.

“That’s quite a big family.” Harry said. Louis just nodded and laughed in agreement.

They talked until their voices were hoarse and their throats were agonizingly dry. The only time their conversation halted was when Louis noticed that the sun was starting to rise. They sat there, side by side, and appreciated the view. Together.

Harry loved to watch the sun rise which was one of the reasons why he’d always wake up early most Saturday mornings. It was just one of those things that he enjoyed doing and usually kept it to himself. He valued his solidarity, much to his mum’s dismay, and made sure to give himself a lot of alone time. He knew it would be rude to ask Louis to leave him alone right now. Especially since he’s still sitting under Louis’ blanket. He doesn’t want to admit how much he loves being in this moment. He loves feeling connected with people and- he just didn’t think he’d connect with Louis as much as he had. He just hopes Louis will stay quiet as the sun rises. 

He does. 

Partly because he was stuck in his thoughts, thinking about nothing specific and just admiring the view, and partly because he desperately needed a glass of water. Louis doesn’t really like to be alone. Or, he doesn’t like to be left alone with his thoughts. Really, who does?

Just as his eyebrows start to furrow as he thinks and thinks and thinks, something bumps into his arm. He turns and sees that Harry’s head was now resting on his shoulder. He leant forward a bit and noticed that Harry’s eyes were closed, his mouth slightly opened. Louis turns back to the yard, eyes fixed on the colours of the sky as the gorgeous reds and yellows mixed fluidly. He looks back at Harry before he grabs the blanket and pulls it up higher to cover the boy more. He lets Harry sleep.

\--

He’s not really sure how long it’s been since Harry had fallen asleep but the sun was up and the birds were chirping and it was already a really nice day. He thought about all of the things he and Harry talked about and was just amazed that such a shy boy like Harry opened up _so_ much to him. 

There was something about Harry that made Louis want to be around him. He absolutely loved talking to him. His voice could literally soothe him to sleep and he bets it would be the best sleep he’ll ever have. 

A small smile finds its way to Louis’ lips as he thinks about some of the jokes Harry slipped into their conversation. His favourite one was definitely a cow one that literally made Louis purse his lips and shake his head.

“Have you heard about the one where the cows wandered into a marijuana plant farm?” Harry asked casually.

“No, can’t say I have.” 

“The steaks have never been so high.” 

Louis stared at Harry. Harry stared at Louis. Louis deadpanned and Harry couldn’t hold it in anymore. He snorted and giggled and Louis just shook his head and laughed along with him. “Don’t ever say that again.” He said through his laughs. 

Louis let out a small puff of air through his nose as he remembered Harry’s amused face after sharing that god awful joke, but he couldn’t dwell on the memory for too long as he was suddenly pulled out of his thoughts. 

“Louis?” 

He quickly turns his head towards the door and sees Niall standing there in his pajamas rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

“Morning, mate.” Louis replies. 

“What are you doing out here?” Niall asks, stepping out of the house fully. Just then, he notices Harry sleeping and gives Louis a questioning look. 

“I woke up at night and came out here and Harry was just chilling so I kept him company…” Louis said. 

“Oh… Okay. Liam and I are gonna make breakfast. I don’t know- Do you wanna wake Harry up? Zayn’s still asleep, but I’m sure you of all people know it’s gonna take the bloke ages to get up.” 

“Yeah, I’ll get him up in a bit. We haven’t slept much so I’ll let him get a few more minutes in.”

“Alright, mate.” Niall replied. He walked into the kitchen with a very contemplative look across his face. Liam was mixing batter in a bowl as he looked over in Niall’s direction. 

“What are you thinking about?” Liam asks.

“Harry and Louis were outside most of the night. They were… hanging out? And, now, Harry’s asleep on Louis’ shoulder... I didn’t know they were so close.” 

“Huh, I didn’t know either. That’s good, though. I’m glad Harry’s finally warming up to the lads.” 

“Yeah…” Niall said. He wasn’t sure what to think about the situation. He was just a bit confused. He knows that, just last month, Harry was still unsure about Louis. He just didn’t expect for him to be so comfortable all of a sudden? It made him happy, though. He was happy for Harry. 

Meanwhile, Louis is still staring out into the yard when Harry shifts a bit in his sleep. He decides it’s as good a time as any to wake him up. 

“Harry?” He says quietly. Harry doesn’t reply, so Louis shrugs his shoulder a bit. “Harry.” 

Harry takes in a sharp breath as his eyes flutter open. He sits up and squints his eyes at the sudden light exposure. Louis notices his nose scrunch as he rubs his eye with the back of his hand. Harry eventually turns to look at Louis and, when their eyes meet, Louis raises his eyebrows a touch and smiles. 

“Sorry.” Harry says bashfully, looking away. 

“It’s alright, kid. No worries.” Louis says. After a beat of silence, he speaks again. “I bet you’re regretting staying up, huh?”

Harry chuckles softly, closing his eyes yet again. “A bit, yeah.” 

“Well, Niall and Liam are in the kitchen making breakfast.” He stood up from the bench, finally stretching his limbs. “Care to join them?” He extends his hand out to Harry.

Harry smiles and takes his hand. The contact doesn’t last long as Louis then reaches for the blanket they’ve left discarded on the bench. Harry desperately wants to reach out and grab his hand again. 

_What?_

_What the fuck?_ Why the fuck did he just think that? Harry shakes the thoughts from his head, clears his throat, and follows Louis inside.

\--

  
  


After they ate their breakfast and helped Niall clean up the chaos from the previous night, Louis, Harry, Liam, and Zayn pack up their belongings and make their way outside. 

“I’ll see you fuckers at school.” Niall calls out from his porch. 

They filed into Louis’ car, since he’d offered to take all the boys home, and mapped out their journey to be as convenient as possible. That meant that they’d drop off Liam first since he was the farthest from Louis’ house. 

The car ride goes smoothly. Zayn was still waking up so he was pretty mute in the backseat next to Harry who was humming along to the music playing in the car. It was just some “radio rubbish” playing, as Louis called it.

Once Liam was dropped off, Harry and Zayn discussed who’d move up front next to Louis. Louis silently hoped Harry would come up front. He wasn’t really sure why, though. Hm… Zayn made a good point by stating that he was next to be dropped off so it’d be smarter for Harry to move up front since he’d be in the car much longer. That, and the fact that Zayn was just too tired to move so he was more than happy to give up the front seat today.

Harry moves up front and buckles up. He turns and gives Louis a heartwarming smile as Louis shifts into drive and sets off for Zayn’s home.

Once they drop Zayn off, they watch as he lazily walks up the path to his home, giving a short wave to the boys, and then heading inside. 

“So,” Louis starts. Harry turns to face Louis only to be met with Louis already looking at him. He felt his heart start to race. “Fancy going to the park and having a walk?” 

Harry was a little confused by the sudden offer but, nonetheless, agreed. “That sounds nice, yeah.” He said. Any time spent with Louis was valuable for Harry. 

\--

Louis drives them to a park near his home. They walked around for a while, circling the park in a comfortable silence as they looked around at the scenery before them. The greenery and serenity calmed Harry while the children running around the playground made Louis smile. As Louis was getting lost in his thoughts, Harry spoke quietly. 

“I love being outside. I can’t stand being holed up indoors for too long.” Harry said. 

Louis chuckled and said, “I can get a bit lazy sometimes so I don’t mind being indoors for hours at a time. 

A silence falls upon them as Harry tries to focus on the rustling of the leaves but to no avail as Louis says, “Is that why I found you in Niall’s backyard at such an ungodly hour?” 

Harry blushes a bit and says, “That, and I had a bit of a nightmare and- I just needed some air.” 

“Do.. you want to talk about it?”

“Not really, no.” 

Another wave of silence but, this time, it’s much more tense. Louis wasn’t sure how to approach the conversation. He wasn’t sure if he should just let the conversation end on that note or if he should pick it up again. Maybe, change the subject? He should reassure Harry before they change the subject…

“Harry, I just want to say- I really appreciate your company. And I want to thank you for opening up so much to me. I can tell that you’re a very closed-off person so- I guess I’m just happy you feel comfortable enough to talk and share personal things with me.”

Harry turns to look at Louis and gives him a small smile. “You’re easy to talk to and I can tell you’re a very genuine person.” He pauses for a moment, mustering up the courage to continue. “Thank you for listening.” He finally adds. 

Louis can’t help but smile as Harry blushes. He smiles so big, crinkles by his eyes on full display, and then, “Come here, kid.” Louis wraps an arm around Harry’s shoulder and tugs him down, using his other hand to muss up Harry’s curls. 

“Oi! Cut it out!” Harry chortles. Louis lets him go with a laugh and a bite of the lip. Harry was so endearing. 

\-- 

They don’t stay at the park very long seeing as both of the boys are incredibly exhausted from their previous night. As he pulls up to Harry’s home, he stops his car right in front of the driveway and puts his car on park. 

“Thank you, Louis.” Harry says shyly. 

“For what?”

“For everything! The ride, the company… I had a really great time with you.” 

Louis nodded, “Likewise, kid. I’ll see you at school then?” “Yeah,” Harry paused, looking over Louis’ face with a hint of a smile. “Bye, Louis.” 

“Bye, Harry.” 

He watches as Harry climbs out of the car and makes his way up the driveway and onto the porch. Harry turns around and waves a final goodbye. Louis smiles and waves back as Harry goes inside. Louis mutters “Good lad,” to himself as Harry closes the door behind him. 

He starts the car, smile still plastered on his face, and heads home to recover from his sleepless night. 


	4. Chapter 4

Months go by as Harry starts to open up more and Louis is always supportive and eager to listen. And, in those passing months, Harry has been struggling with some inner conflicts. He hasn’t been able to talk to Louis about it and he’s not really sure that he ever will. But a small amount of hope lingers inside of him that, maybe one day, he’ll gain enough confidence to bring it up, but it definitely won’t be any time soon. 

He finds himself thinking about Louis a lot and that would be fine if he was thinking of him in a friendly way… Which he wasn’t. He couldn’t understand why he was thinking this way and why all of a sudden? And, why Louis?

He’d find himself staring at Louis during lunch. Sometimes, Louis would even catch him but, bless him, wouldn’t make a fuss about it. He’d just shoot Harry a smile, and a quick wink for good measure, and Harry would blush _every time_. 

Some nights, Harry would toss and turn in bed while his thoughts raced and his mind always wandered back to Louis. Louis and his soft, fluffy hair. Harry would love to comb his fingers through it. Louis and his amazing cheekbones. Louis and his long eyelashes that gently brush said cheekbones. And, those eyes? Those eyes. Those blue eyes. If Harry could just stare into his eyes all day, he would. He so would. God, he was so smitten. 

He’d softly smile when he’d think about Louis… But that smile would begin to fade the longer he thought about him. He’d think about the possibility of them being together and… Would his family even accept that? As far as they knew, Harry was straight. Hell, as far as _Harry_ knew, he was straight. It was all so fucking frustrating.

And it didn’t help when that summer, after Harry’s first year of highschool, all of the boys would take beach trips or would go to Liam’s house to swim in his pool. It didn’t help at all when Harry had to contain himself next to a very shirtless Louis. A very wet Louis. A very curvaceous Louis. It didn’t help _at all._ Not one bit. 

It didn’t help when a shirtless, wet, and curvy Louis would sit beside him and ask, “Everything alright, Harry? You seem out of it today. All good?”

“Y-yeah. All good.” Harry would croak out. It didn’t help when Louis would then give Harry’s shoulder a squeeze before he’d dart off to the other lads. Harry was _fucked_.

But, see, the thing was, Harry had a tinge of hope buried deep within himself. Louis was always extremely nice to him. Nicer than anyone he’s ever known. Yes, the other boys were nice to him, obviously, but- Louis was different. He’d go out of his way to make sure Harry was alright and he’d always find a way to include him when he’d start to notice Harry shying away from a conversation. 

Harry noticed everything. All of the small glances, smiles, winks, the touches… _Everything_. Fuck, maybe he was overythinking it all? Then again, maybe he wasn’t? 

Harry was never all that good at dealing with his emotions. He always had a hard time connecting with people and it would take him months, years even, to finally open up to someone. Which was one of the reasons why Niall was incredibly jealous when Louis mentioned some of the things that Harry had told him that night in Niall’s yard. 

“Wait, he told you about the fishing trips?” Niall asked in disbelief. 

“Yeah… Why?” Louis replied. 

“What the fuck? He didn’t mention the trips until, like, a year into our friendship. “

“So, I assume you’ve heard about his grandpa then? Harry talks about him a lot. He sounds like such a wonderful person. Harry said he’d invite me to their next trip in the winter-”

“Harry said he’d invite you- What the fuck? I’ve known the bloke for- How many years? Not once has he mentioned inviting me!” Niall stated aggressively. 

Louis laughed and said, “What can I say, Niall? I’m loveable. Everyone wants to have me around. You of all people should know that.”

“Oh, piss off!” Niall shouted as he gave Louis’ shoulder a light punch. Then, the conversation grew a bit more serious. 

“Look, Louis,” Niall started with a sigh. “Harry is… He’s a good kid. I’ve known him for so long and I just feel like his older brother. I watch out for him and I care so much about him. And, obviously, he’s taken a liking to you and, honestly, I’ve never seen him more comfortable around anyone other than you. And, yeah, it’s a bit strange to see because here I was thinking that Harry only confided in me but it’s clear to see that that’s not the case at all. I just want to say- Be wary of him. He’s a bit fragile, so to speak. He can be a bit naive and stubborn at times, as well, but he seeks a lot of reassurance, you know? He’s very unsure of himself sometimes. I love him a lot and, I know this is weird to say but, I trust that you’ll be able to be a good friend when he needs you.”

Louis was baffled. He definitely wasn’t expecting to hear anything like this any time soon. He shook his head in disbelief and said, “Niall, fuck- I- I don’t know what to say. He’s a good kid, yeah, and I like him a lot. He’s great company and we do get on really well. He’s quiet, but it’s nice to have him around… but, I’m sure you knew that already. Look- I care about him a lot,” Louis smirks before he continues. “I didn’t mean to steal your precious Harry from you.” Niall rolls his eyes with an amused face as Louis continues. “You’ve got my word, mate. I’ll care for him when he needs me. I can promise you that.”

Niall smiles and nods. “I know you will. Thanks, Louis. I love him so much, you know? I just want him to be happy. He’s been through a lot…” 

“Has he?” 

“Yeah- But, that’s not my place to speak.” 

Louis gives him a soft smile and nods. “You know, he talks so highly of you.” He says. 

“Yeah?” Niall asks, shocked. 

“Yeah. Says you’re the big brother he’s always wanted. No shade to Gemma, of course, but there are some things that a sister can’t teach.” 

“Fuck, I love that kid.” Niall said with a big smile. He looked off into the distance, thinking about Harry and how wonderful he was. 

“Yeah.” Louis agreed with a smile. 

\--

The school year starts off with the usual new students fumbling around trying to find their classes and old friends meeting up for a quick chat. This school year was a bit different, though. This year was Louis’, Zayn’s, Niall’s, and Liam’s junior year. After this year, they’d all be looking into universities and thinking about their lives after high school and then… Harry would be alone. The thought made him shudder but he wasn’t new to this. There was always a year where Harry would have to be without Niall. But, he’s grown so extremely close to the group of boys and lunch time was something he always looked forward to and he was dreading the day where he’d have to sit alone on that same table.

This year didn’t really start off the way Harry would have preferred it to. He started taking advanced placement classes which meant he had a lot more homework and studying to do which resulted in a lot less time to hang out with the boys outside of school. He always tried to set aside a few days within the week to spend time with them even if that meant he had to frantically finish a shit ton of homework. He didn’t mind as long as he saw his boys. 

Sometimes, Louis would go over to Harry’s house and just keep him company while he did his homework. There were days where he’d go over and they wouldn’t speak for hours because Harry would be so focused on his work and Louis knew he’d feel like a proper dick if he bothered him. 

There was one day where Louis had visited Harry and, to his joy, Harry’s workload was fairly decent so he got it all completed in only an hour. When he finished, he spun his chair around and smiled at Louis and said, “All done.” 

Louis looked up from his phone with surprise and excitement. “Yeah?”

“Mhm.” Harry nodded. Louis watched as Harry looked down at his hands and started playing with his fingers. “Louis?” 

Louis raised his eyebrows a touch as if to say “I’m listening.” 

“Would you like to stay for dinner tonight? I have some family coming over and- well…”

“What is it, Harry?” Louis coaxed. 

“This is going to sound so dumb but, like- I’d really appreciate it if you were there. I just- I don’t really have that much in common with my cousins and, seeing as they’re girls, they mostly talk to Gemma all night and-” 

“Harry,” As Harry was stuttering out his request, Louis made his way over to Harry and placed a hand on his shoulder. “I’d love to stay for dinner.” 

Harry looked up and beamed. “Okay.” He breathed out a sigh of relief. “T-thanks, Louis.” 

Louis squeezed Harry’s shoulder in response and Harry wanted _more_. This is so bad. 

\-- 

Louis had met Harry’s mum, Anne, dozens of times already. She always answered the door when Louis would come around, after all. They got on quite well from the start and engaged in a lot of friendly banter. Anne would always encourage Harry to invite the boys over. At the end of the day, she was overjoyed to know that Harry had some amazing friends who, through careful observation, truly cared for him. And- yeah, maybe they spoiled Harry a bit and treated him like a baby and all that, but she’d catch Harry smiling that big, toothy grin when the boys were around so she didn’t mind if they babied him at all. It was nice to see him genuinely smiling. 

The three of them were in the kitchen as Harry was helping his mum cook while Louis was setting the table. There was a knock on the door that alarmed Harry and Anne. 

“That must be Gemma. Seems a bit early for her to be out of classes but, nevermind that. Harry, could you get the door?” Anne asked. 

“Sure, mum.” Harry says, using a clean rag to wipe off his hands. He passed by Louis on his way to the front door and gave him a smile and thumbs up as he assessed the table setting. “Looks great!” 

Harry makes it to the front door and casually swings the door open expecting to see Gemma. Louis hears a small gasp and curiosity takes ahold of him as he sets the forks down on the table and goes to see what the commotion is about. 

“Grandpa!” Harry exclaims. Louis watches as Harry wraps his arms around the unfamiliar man. “I didn’t know you were coming tonight!” Louis can only see the side of Harry’s face but he can see the bright smile on Harry’s face as his eyes are closed and his head is pressed to the man’s chest. He’s never seen Harry this excited before.

“Yes, I wanted it to be a surprise, my boy.” The man replied, wrapping his arms around Harry and patting his back. Harry was literally radiating happiness to the point where Louis swore he could feel the heat waves traveling into his body by just taking in the image in front of him. _Harry, Harry, Harry_. 

“Ah- Hello, there.” The man said. Louis flicked his gaze from Harry’s face to the man. 

“Hello.” Louis replied pleasantly. 

Harry turned his head a bit and made eye contact with Louis. “Oh! Grandpa, this is my good mate, Louis. Louis, this is my grandpa, Paul.” He said as he let go of his grandpa and took a step back. 

Paul extends his hand towards Louis and says, “Nice to meet you, Louis.”

“Likewise, sir.” Louis said as he took Paul’s hand and shook it. “I’ve heard so many great things.”

“Uh-oh, that’s never good.” Paul chuckled. 

Louis shakes his head with a light laugh. “Harry speaks very highly of you, I can assure you that.” 

“My boy,” Paul starts as he puts his arm around Harry’s shoulder. “You’re too kind to me.”

“No way, I’ve only told him the truth.” Harry says, looking up at Paul with a bright smile. Paul looked down at him and smiled back. 

“I haven’t seen you in so long, Harry.” Paul said softly. 

“I know, I’m so sorry. I’ve been taking A.P. classes and they’ve been taking up most, if not all, of my time so I haven’t gotten the chance to come by. I’m really sorry, grandpa.”

“It’s no worry, my boy!” Paul reassures with a shake of the head. “Your weekly phone calls are all I need.” 

Louis could see and feel the love emitting from Harry and Paul. They had such a powerful connection and it almost made Louis wish he had this kind of friendship with family members. The people he was closest to were his sister, Lottie, and his mum, Johannah. He could always go to his mum for advice and Lottie always helped him with ‘essential’ tasks. She would help him plan outfits when he had a date or when they had somewhere fancy to be. He would let her fix his hair into different hairstyles just for fun and, given he had particularly long locks on his head, she would love to style his hair into a quiff and enjoyed the occasional braiding. Even as close as he was with them, there were still things he never discussed with them.

\--

Dinner had begun as the rest of Harry’s family arrived. Harry made sure to introduce Louis to his aunt and uncle and his cousins as well. Louis took note on how friendly and welcoming everyone was and started wondering if it was just something that ran in the family. Gemma had arrived last and, as if on cue, Harry’s cousins gravitated towards her immediately. Harry gave Louis a knowing look as Louis chuckled. 

The night went very smoothly and Louis felt so comfortable there, it was truly the strangest thing! He’s not very shy but, around parents and older folk, he’s a bit more reserved. But, they showed a genuine interest in Louis as they asked him questions about his family and his life. He appreciated the way they knew their limits when it came to asking personal questions. If Louis seemed a little reluctant to answer a question, they never pried. They never questioned him on it and just let the topic die down. It was really nice. 

As Anne brings out a beautifully crafted cake, double-layered and iced to perfection, she announces that Harry had baked the cake. Louis quickly faced Harry with a surprised look on his face as Harry sunk into his chair and blushed.

“You bake?” Louis asked, astonished. 

“Um- Yeah. Sometimes.” Harry answered bashfully. “It’s kind of a hobby, I guess.”

“That’s sick, mate. I can’t wait to try it!” Louis exclaimed. He wasn’t lying, though. He wasn’t trying to use this as an opportunity to reassure Harry. He was actually so excited to try it and the excitement made Harry smile… And he couldn’t stop smiling. Especially when Louis asked for a second slice after he devoured the first one in just one minute. 

As Louis was working on his second slice of the delicious cake, Harry watching him with endearment, Paul spoke up. “So, Harry.”

Harry turned his head so fast and hoped that no one caught him literally _staring_ at Louis. “How do you feel about going on a fishing trip next weekend?” Paul asked with a smile, knowing Harry was always up for it. 

“I’d love to go!” Harry smiled. His leg started to bounce up and down out of excitement and Louis noticed it. He pressed his knuckles against Harry’s thigh to get him to calm down. Harry quickly looked down at the contact and instantly relaxed. Paul witnessed the interaction, minus the contact, and was a bit puzzled but he didn’t question it. He wouldn’t question it at the table while everyone’s around. He’d never put Harry on the spot like that. 

Harry looks up to Louis as their eyes meet for a brief moment and then looks back to his grandpa. “Would it be alright if Louis comes along? I promised to invite him to our next trip.” Harry says.

Paul shrugs, his smile never faltering, and says, “It’d be more than alright. The more the merrier.” 

Harry looked delighted as he turned to Louis to gauge his reaction. “D-Do you want to come, Louis?” He asked as his hand landed on Louis’ bicep. Louis doesn’t think much of it, but Paul sees it. 

“I’d love to come.” Louis turns to Paul and continues, “Thank you, sir.” 

Paul nods, giving him a nice smile and flicks his eyes to Harry and then back to Louis for a moment before he directs his attention back on his slice of cake.


	5. Chapter 5

“Okay, so, we should probably get to bed early tonight. We’re going to have to wake up at around four to-” 

“Four? In the morning?” Louis asked in amazement. “Are you serious?”

They were on their way to Louis’ car afterschool when Harry nodded and said, “Yeah. I know it’s a bit early but we’ve got to make it to the lake before six.” 

They got into the car and settled in, buckling their seat belts as Louis started the engine. Niall was hitching a ride with Liam and Zayn today which gave Harry and Louis more time to discuss the details of the trip. 

“If you’d like, you can sleep over at mine? It would be easier that way… I could wake you up in the morning so you don't oversleep. T-That’s only if you want to, of course.” Harry fumbled out. 

Louis thought about it. He knew that he’d shut off his alarm after being awoken and deliberately go back to sleep, so maybe the idea of spending the night at Harry’s wasn’t a bad idea at all. “That’s not a bad idea. I’d have to talk with my mum first but I’ll let you know a little bit later, cool?” He replied.

“Yeah, that’s cool.” Harry said, trying to act nonchalant. He secretly hoped that Louis would stay over that night. Okay, obviously Harry wasn’t going to try to do anything, obviously. He just loved being around Louis and spending time with him and, when they were alone, Louis was… different. He was much softer than he was when the boys were around. He’d look at Harry with this look that just made Harry want to melt. All of his smiles were accompanied by those crinkles by his eyes and his jokes were always tailored specifically to make Harry laugh and Harry knew that. He knew that Louis was different with him and he _loved_ that. It meant that Harry meant something to Louis, right? Harry likes to think it does. We’ll leave it at that. 

\--

Louis didn’t spend the night. His mum thought it was best if he stayed home since she was going to be coming home a bit late from her shift that night and she didn’t want the girls to be left alone. So, he texted Harry apologizing and said he’d raincheck and make sure to have that sleepover another day. That was enough to make Harry smile. Louis _wanted_ to sleep over.

He was in the middle of reading a text from Harry, which consisted of a long list of things Louis should wear and bring with him, when Lottie peered at him from the other couch.

“Whose got you smiling so big?” Lottie questions with a smirk.

Louis looks up as his smile slowly fades. He looks back at his phone for a second, sees Harry continuing to type, and smiles again. “My friend, Harry. The one I’m going fishing with tomorrow.” 

“Harry, huh? That’s the curly- headed one, right?” Lottie asked as she walked over and plopped down beside Louis. She peered over his shoulder as her eyes scanned his phone screen.

“Oi,” he said as he pulled his phone away from her gaze. “What have I told you about privacy?” 

“Aw, c’mon, Lou. I just want to see what’s making you smile!” 

“It’s nothing! He’s just telling me what I’ve got to bring and what I should wear tomorrow.” Louis says with a small smile as his nimble fingers dance across the keyboard. 

“So… Why’s that got you smiling?” She questioned, smirk still plastered on her face, as she leaned forward to catch a glimpse of his face.

“He’s just funny, is all.” He replied without even sparing a glance her way.

“Right…” She nodded slowly and giggled. 

“What?” He asks as he finally looks at her. 

“Is there something you want to tell me, Lou?” She asked. 

“What do you mean?” 

“You know what I mean.” She rolled her eyes. 

“No… I genuinely don’t.” He genuinely didn’t.

“Is there something going on between you and Harry?” She asked boldly. Louis’ eyes widened at the question. 

“Between me and Harry?” She nodded. “No- Lots, I’m straight… You know that.” He laughed, trying to play it off. “Besides, I’ve been talking to this girl from my school. Her name’s Michelle. She’s pretty cool.” 

“Michelle? You’ve never mentioned her before.” She remarked. 

“Yeah, we haven’t been talking for too long but she’s really nice and we have a lot in common.” He said as he opened up the chat he had going with her. She immediately noticed that he hadn’t replied to her text, which was sent nearly an hour ago. She also noticed how fast he clicked the notification he received when Harry sent him a text and she just smiled to herself. 

“That’s good. I hope it works out for you.” She said as she got up from the couch. “I’m calling it a night, then. You should, too, since you’ve got to be up early.” 

He nodded, not looking away from his phone, still smiling as he typed away. She sighed, shook her head, and silently laughed to herself. “Hey, Lou?” He looks up. “You can be open with me. You can tell me anything.”

“Lots, what’s this all about?”

“I’m just reminding you that I care about you, alright? Goodnight.” She concluded as she made her way to her bedroom, Louis following suit a few minutes later. 

\--

Thankfully, Louis managed to get himself out of bed at four in the morning. It was tough, but he promised Harry he would and Harry was looking forward to this trip all week and Louis would feel like absolute shit if he let him down. 

Harry and his grandpa arrived just thirty minutes later and Louis quietly made his way around the house and carefully shut the front door behind him. He rubbed his hands together for warmth as he quickly walked to the car. Harry opened the rear door for Louis as he climbed into the warm car right next to Harry. 

“Hello.” Louis smiled as he shut the door and buckled his seat belt. 

“Goodmorning, son, how are you?” Paul asked as he pulled away from the curb.

“I’m doing well, thanks, and yourself?” 

“A bit sleepy, but I should be okay.” Paul said as he made eye contact with Louis through the rear view mirror. 

Louis turned to Harry who was already looking at him and smiling. “Hi.” Harry said quietly. 

Louis snorted and said, “Hey. I brought gloves just like you said.” He fished out the pair of red gloves from his hoodie pocket. 

“Good, you’re going to need them. It’s pretty chilly today,” Harry replied as he turned to look at the radio. “Grandpa, can you put on some music, please?”

“Of course, my boy. Any requests?” 

“No, anything is fine.” 

His grandpa inserts a CD that he knows Harry loves. It’s a mix of soft rock, rock and roll, some Italian… It’s a mess of sorts. Louis admires the way Harry knows every guitar riff and how he insists on playing the air guitar as he shuts his eyes and scrunches his face, really feeling the music. Louis was surprised at the diversity of the music which went from heavy guitars to soft violins to pianos. But he was more surprised at the fact that Harry knew the Italian songs word for word. 

“I’ve got no idea what he’s saying but it sounds _so_ beautiful, doesn't it?” Harry asks, turning to Louis. Louis nods and hopes there are more Italian songs burned on this CD. Louis especially loved it when Harry would play the air drums. He’d watch his curls bounce around and flop over his eyes as he pretended to twirl a drumstick between his fingers and it never ceased to make Louis laugh. 

Harry’s grandpa would steal glances of them through the rear view mirror, without them noticing, and he’d always look back at the road ahead of him with a small smile on his face. 

\--

They had arrived at the lake and, as Harry was teaching Louis the basics, Paul was busy setting up the three rods he had brought. “So, we’re pretty old-fashioned. We like to fish using worms as bait.” Harry had said as he eyed Paul. “Almost ready, grandpa?” 

“Yes, they’re ready. Go on and add a worm to Louis’ hook.” 

Harry fished out a worm from the small styrofoam box and just before he was going to secure it on the hook, Louis interjected with, “Wait- Can I do it? Can you show me how? I want to learn.”

Harry paused for a moment but a smile finding its way on his face was inevitable. “Of course.” 

\--

When the lines were finally cast, none of them really spoke. They were a bit spaced out from one another but Louis and Harry were within talking distance. It was then that Louis understood what Harry meant about appreciating someone’s presence. He now knew what it felt like to be so comfortable around someone that even sitting in silence was just as satisfying as talking to them for hours on end. 

They didn’t catch many fish but Harry and Paul didn’t seem phased at all. 

“I like coming down here for the serenity.” Harry said quietly. 

Louis took in the view around them. He was in awe of how at peace he felt inside. He looked at the still water, the trees swaying in the light breeze, and then his eyes landed on Harry. Louis appreciated the way the sun illuminated strands of his hair, making his curls a nest of chestnut and golden hues. Harry turns and catches Louis’ gaze. He furrowed his eyebrows but still has a small smile on his face. Louis’ lips curve upwards ever so slightly and Harry notices as he flickers his eyes to his lips, then back to Louis’ eyes. 

“What?” Harry asks with an amused tone. 

Louis looks away, smile still held, and says, “It’s really beautiful out here, Harry." _You're really beautiful._ "Thank you for inviting me.” 

“Are you having fun? I know it might be a bit boring, but-”

“I’m having a great time, don’t worry, Harry.” 

Harry looked down at the rod in his hands with a slight blush. He looks up at his grandpa who was already looking in the pairs’ direction, smiling yet again. He glances down at his watch and says, “We’ll call it a day at noon, boys.” 

\--

They stop at a diner on their way home as Harry and Louis share one side of the booth, Paul sitting on the other side. There was really fun and casual banter between all three of them, especially Paul and Louis. Paul had taken a liking to Louis and Louis felt very comfortable around him. They didn’t stay at the diner for very long given that they were all extremely drowsy and wanted to get home right away. 

As they continued their journey back home, that’s when Harry and Louis finally began feeling their lack of sleep from the night before. Harry had fallen asleep first and his head landed on Louis’ shoulder yet again. Louis stayed awake for a short while after that, staring out of the window and enjoying the music. Shortly after Harry had fallen asleep, Louis closed his eyes and allowed his sleepiness to take over as his head gently leaned against Harry’s. 

Paul notices the lack of banter from the backseat and glances up at his rear view mirror to see the boys having fallen asleep. He lowers the music a touch and continues his drive, completely focusing on the road ahead. 

\--

Once they arrive back at Harry’s home, Harry insists that Louis stays but Louis argues that he does not want to overstay his welcome. Harry tried to persuade him but to no avail, so he gave up and carefully placed the fish that Louis had caught in a sealed bag. Louis thanked Paul for the nth time that day for the trip as Harry walked him out. 

As they take the short trip to Louis’ car, Louis thanks Harry for inviting him and for being patient with him when he was teaching him the basics of fishing. Harry tried to hide the blush that crept onto his face with no success because Louis called him out on it and laughed, only making Harry blush more. 

Harry had a sudden urge that he just couldn’t ignore. He looked into Louis’ kind eyes and slowly wrapped his arms around the older lad. Louis was a bit taken aback by the sudden affection but wastes no time in wrapping his arms around Harry. He’d be lying if he denied how good it felt to hold him. He wasn’t sure why but something just felt… _right_.

Harry pulls away first, Louis following suit, and stares at his shoes. He bids Louis a final farewell as he watches him take a seat in his car and drive off. Harry turns and walks back inside slowly, a smile evident on his cheeks as he thinks about how well Louis fit in his embrace. He mindlessly walks back into the kitchen and is greeted by his grandpa stirring a cup of tea. 

“Thank you for the trip, grandpa. I really enjoyed it.” He said. 

“Of course, my boy. It’s no trouble at all.” They don’t say anything for a short while. All Harry can think about is Louis. They way Louis’ eyes turn a lighter shade of blue when he’s outdoors and the way the breeze flowed through his hair. The way their bodies perfectly aligned when they hugged. It was all too much, but it was also not nearly enough. He craved Louis’ touch and-

“You seem to get on well with that Louis fellow… You like him a lot, I can tell.” His grandpa says, eyes focused on his tea. 

Harry gulped and felt his chest tighten in nervousness. Was his grandpa implying that- Could he tell that Harry- No. There’s no way.

“Yeah, he’s a great friend. Very genuine.” Harry replies, trying to be as casual as possible. 

“Hm.” Is all Paul says with a smug grin as he takes a sip of his tea, his eyes meeting Harry’s. Harry gulped again. 

So, this kept Harry up for most of the night. He kept asking himself whether or not he was being too obvious? Could people tell that Harry was attracted to Louis? Could his grandpa tell? Could the boys tell? Could Louis tell? Fuck. Could _Louis_ tell? Harry felt so embarrassed. Here he was, desperately battling his mind and his emotions, his head filled with images of Louis while Louis was probably fast asleep, not even dreaming about Harry.

Harry sighs and reaches for his phone as he makes a sudden decision to text Niall. He saw that it was nearly two in the morning so he wasn’t expecting a text back, but decided to test his luck anyways.

**Harry: Niall are you up?**

Harry would be lying if he said that he was surprised Niall was still awake. It seemed like Niall was always awake.

**Niall: is this a booty call mate**

**Harry: Don’t you wish**

**Niall: bold of you to assume. whats up?**

**Harry: Just needed to talk to you about something**

**Niall: go for it mate**

**Harry: Are you busy tomorrow?**

**Niall: nah. you can come over if you want**

**Harry: Yeah alright. See you tomorrow then. gn Niall**

**Niall: sweet dreams my love x** **_(kissing emoji)_ **

Harry let out a giggle as he set his phone back down on the nightstand. He felt much more at ease now as he turned onto his side and, soon after, finally fell asleep. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Helloooo!
> 
> I apologize for the length of this chapter but I had to cut it to make the story flow smoother.
> 
> Chapter 7 will be much longer, I promise... and a bit of a heartbreaker (sorry in advance). 
> 
> Enjoy!

Harry immediately regretted texting Niall last night. It was the first thing on his mind when he woke up and the only thing he thought about in the shower and on the car ride to Niall’s house. Gemma dropped him off and said she’d be back in a few hours after she’s done with her classes for the day but Harry couldn’t even comprehend what she was saying because he was so lost in thought. Was he seriously considering discussing his feelings for Louis to Niall? There’s no way, he’s not ready for that conversation yet. He’s still not even sure what his feelings for Louis mean, really. Maybe he’s just infatuated by him and his kindness? Yeah, that’s it. Isn’t it? Fuck!

He was laying on Niall’s bed, legs crossed and arms behind his head, as he stared at the ceiling waiting for Niall to finish up his homework. 

“Alright, Harry. Quit stalling.” Niall spoke. The sudden noise startled Harry out of his thoughts as he propped himself up on his elbows. 

“What-”

“Spit it out already!” Niall exclaimed.

“I’m waiting for you to finish your work. I didn’t want to bother you…” 

“Harry, I’ve been done for twenty minutes. We’ve already established that.”

“...Have we? I don’t remember, sorry.” 

“Go on, then.” Niall tried to persuade. 

Harry laid back down and stared at the ceiling again. It was definitely much easier to open up when he didn’t have to make eye contact. “Well, it’s- it’s just that I… I think-” He started to chew on his lip rather harshly before he continued. “I think I may have a crush on someone.” He rushed out quietly. 

Niall’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline as he said, “What- Really?”

“Um-Yeah.” 

“Wow, that’s new,” That response alone released all of the tension he had been carrying around that day. This response told Harry that Niall hadn’t noticed the way Harry felt about Louis. “I haven’t heard you say that in a while, mate! That’s good news!” 

Was it good news? Had it been a while? He tried to remember the last time he mentioned having a crush on someone. Honestly, he’s never really been super attracted to people’s looks and, given that it’s pretty hard for him to open up with people, he never really got to know anyone as much as he’d liked to. He’s pretty sure the last time he announced he had a crush was when he was watching _Friends_ with Niall and was sure that Jennifer Aniston was his first ever crush. But, don’t we all have a crush on Jennifer Aniston? 

“Do I know her?” Niall asked, pulling Harry out of his thoughts yet again. _Her_. “Does she go to our school?” _She_. 

Harry hesitated before he foolishly replied with, “Yeah, she goes to our school.” Fuck, why did he say that? Why the _fuck_ did he say that?

“What’s her name? Is she in your grade?” Niall asked as he laid down beside Harry on his side, propped on an elbow so he could face him. 

Harry’s mind raced all over again. He wasn’t the best liar and having to lie to Niall made it even harder for him to look nonchalant. “Um…” he started, but then it clicked. There is a girl in one of his classes, Alice, that has fancied him for a while now. Harry’s sure of it… And her friends made it incredibly obvious when they’d casually ask him about her. 

“So, do you know my friend, Alice? I think you’ve got a class together.”

“Uh, yeah. We’ve got a class together…”

“What do you think about her?”

“She seems nice, I guess. I’ve never really spoken to her.”

“How do you feel about her, though?” They would press him for answers and he never knew how to respond but he was just too nice to ask them to fuck off. So, he’d reply with, “I’m sure she’s a wonderful person,” and then dismiss himself from the conversation. 

He thought about her and he wasn’t all that against the idea of being with her. She _did_ seem like a nice person, after all.

“C’mon, Harry. You can trust me, you know that, right?” Niall said. 

Harry didn’t respond right away. He thought about it some more. Maybe this could be a good thing, he and Alice. Maybe this could steer his mind away from his thoughts about Louis. He’s willing to give it a shot. 

“Her name is Alice. She’s in my grade.” He finally answers. 

“Alice? Friends with Rebecca?” Niall asked excitedly. 

“Yeah, we’ve got history together. I think she likes me, but…”

“But…”

“I just don’t know how I’d express it to her. You know I’ve never done this before.” Harry said shyly. He may or may not be thinking of Louis as he mentions this, but he’d never admit it. 

“Well, you can start off by maybe asking her if she wants to hang out with you at lunch and if you start feeling more comfortable with her, maybe you can ask her out on a date or something?” Niall suggests. 

“Yeah, maybe. I’ll do that, thanks.” Harry replies with a small smile. They don’t speak for a while. Niall lays down on his back joining Harry in his conquest to study the ceiling.

“Have you talked to Louis about it?” Niall suddenly asks. 

Harry snapped his head in Niall’s direction so fast. “Why would I talk to Louis about it?” He quickly spat out. 

For a moment, he had forgotten about Alice and that the conversation had anything to do with her. Of course, he was thinking about Louis _again_. For fuck’s sake.

“I don’t know. You guys have gotten so close. I just thought that maybe you’d have asked for his input about it already.”

“I didn’t feel comfortable talking to Louis about this… No particular reason.” He quickly adds the last bit for good measure. He can tell that Niall had been getting a little jealous that Harry and Louis were getting so close, so he adds, “Besides, I missed my boyfriend.” He blows a kiss in Niall’s direction as Niall pretends to catch it and presses it to his heart.

“You’re too good to me, my love.” Niall joked. 

\--

A few months went by as Harry and Alice were now dating. Though it was fairly early on in their relationship, things were going alright for him. He had just turned sixteen about three weeks ago and all of the boys and Alice came round to his house to celebrate with Anne, Gemma, and Paul. His grandpa got him his own fishing rod and tackle box. Harry was so happy that day and all of the boys beamed at his excitement. It was a really great day. He even got his driver’s license in the mail and Gemma had been taking him to parking lots so he could practice turning and parking.

Louis even brought his girlfriend to the party. Yeah. Louis brought his _girlfriend_ . They started seeing each other shortly after the fishing trip and Harry had absolutely no clue about it. Louis hadn’t mentioned a single thing about Michelle until Harry saw them holding hands at school and _he_ had to ask about her. Needless to say, Harry was a little hurt. Not because Louis was clearly attracted to someone else, but because he hadn’t mentioned it to Harry. 

Okay, maybe he was a little hurt about the fact that Louis had a girlfriend. Maybe a little. Maybe a lot… Fuck off. 

Harry was upset that Louis wouldn’t hang around the boys as much during lunch anymore and he wouldn’t go to Harry’s house to keep him company while he did his work. Even Harry would hang out with the boys during lunch and he had a girlfriend, too! He would set aside certain days to spend time with Alice and other days to be with the boys. Harry knew it was a bit selfish to expect Louis to drop everything and forget about Michelle just so he could spend time with Harry. He knew it was wrong to think that way, yet he continued to allow himself to do so. 

It was a pleasant Friday afternoon when Harry made his way over to the lunch table only to be met with Zayn sitting alone. Liam, Louis, and Niall shared the same science class so the lot of them had gone on a field trip with their class.

It was a bit weird for both Harry and Zayn to be left alone together as they were the quietest of the group. But, Zayn didn’t seem phased, he never did. They were having a pretty casual conversation until Zayn brought up a topic that had been circling around Harry’s mind for a few weeks. 

“So, how’s everything going with Alice?” Zayn asked.

“It’s alright.” Harry replied, breaking eye contact. 

“Just alright?”

“Um-Yeah. Actually, it’s been a little less than alright…”

Zayn nodded and said, “Yeah, I could tell.”

“Really? How?” 

“Well,” Zayn sat up, stretching his arms before he continued. “At first, you’d spend lunch with her more often. Now, that’s not the case. You’ve been chilling with us again for, like, two whole weeks now.”

Harry started chewing on his lip and absentmindedly started picking at the crusts of his sandwich. “She’s a really great person-” He started before Zayn interjected with, “But…” 

Harry looked away. There was a definite reason as to why he’d been so distant with Alice, but he wasn’t sure if he should discuss it with Zayn. He was incredibly embarrassed about the entire situation. 

“Look, Harry. I know you and I aren’t super close, and I don’t mean to pry, but if you need some advice, I’d be happy to help.” Zayn said with a soft tone. 

Harry sighs. He knows he should get this off of his chest because it’s been eating him alive for weeks. “She’s a really great person, but… she’s- She’s sort of… pushy.”

“In what sense?”

“Um- Well, she- She expressed that she- um- wanted us to have sex pretty early on in the relationship. And- I mean, like, I’ve never done anything like that before. Well- I mean, I’ve wanked, but that doesn’t really count…” He stuttered out slowly. 

“I see. So, you’ve been avoiding her because you don’t want to sleep with her?”

“Not necessarily, no. A couple weeks ago, about the time I started hanging out more with you lads again, things were getting pretty heated between us. But-um- We didn’t end up actually doing anything.”

“Why not? Did you have second thoughts?”

“No. I just-” He started chewing on his lip once again. Zayn stayed silent, waiting for Harry to continue. Harry hung his head in shame and said, “I just couldn’t get hard.”

He was so reluctant to look Zayn in the eyes. He was so incredibly ashamed by this. There was clearly something wrong with him if, in the midst of foreplay and in the presence of a very naked girl who was touching him all over, he couldn’t get off. He eventually looked up though, seeing as though Zayn still hadn’t replied and the silence was killing Harry. He was met with Zayn’s compassionate face and a hint of a smile. 

“Harry, mate, that’s alright, you know?” Harry was puzzled. How on earth was that alright? “Maybe you’re just not as attracted to her as you thought you were. Or, maybe it was all happening too fast and you weren’t really ready for it? Like you said, you’ve never done anything like that before so maybe you let your nerves take hold of the situation and you weren’t able to properly enjoy it. And that’s totally fine, Harry.” Zayn explained. His words were so sincere and gentle and honest and Harry felt a lot more content now that he got it off of his chest. “Although,” Zayn continued. “I don’t think you should be avoiding her.”

“Right, um- I’ve actually been thinking about calling things off with her…”

“Why’s that?”

“Like I said, she’s sort of pushy and, like, I feel like sometimes she’s only with me so that she could show off that she’s got a boyfriend. Almost like I’m a trophy or something.”

“Oh… I see. I’m sorry you’ve got to go through that, mate.”

“Yeah…”

“And, for what it’s worth, I completely support your thought to call things off. I know, if I were in your shoes, I’d do the same.”

“Thanks, Zayn.” Harry smiled. “I really appreciate this.”

Zayn gave him a quick fist bump and said, “No problem, mate.”

Harry is lost in thought again. He wondered how Zayn would take the idea of Harry and Louis. Are his friends homophobic? They’ve never actually discussed anything of that nature. Without realizing, he said, “Zayn?”

Zayn looked up, waiting for Harry to speak. “I think about someone else.” Harry said quietly.

“What?” Zayn asked as his eyebrows furrowed. 

“I… I think about someone else when I’m wanking… A-and it gets me off.” _Don’t say it. Don’t say it. Don’t say it._ _Control yourself, Harry._

“Oh,” Zayn replied with a surprised tone. He smirked and asked, “Who do you think about, then?”

_Don’t say it. Don’t you dare fucking say it. Do not._

“Um,” _No_. “Just- Somebody else.”

Zayn nodded in response. He decided not to press the issue since he could tell that Harry was a bit distressed. “That’s okay,” He reassured. “You don’t have to tell me. But, promise me you’ll talk to Alice and figure out the future of your relationship.”

“Yeah, okay. I’ll do that.” Harry sighed in relief and went back to eating his sandwich.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was really hard to write.. It's really personal and I haven't been able to talk about this in real life..
> 
> !!! -TW: Mention of C word (C*ncer)

It was the first day of March as Harry, Louis, and Niall made their way to the school parking lot after they’d met up once the final school bell had sounded. Once they reach the car, Harry starts saying his goodbye’s.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to drop you off at home?” Louis asked before he sat in his car. 

“Don’t worry about it. Gemma’s got a day off from classes today and said she’d pick me up so we could hang out.” Harry replied, fishing his phone out of his pocket to check if there was a message from her. There wasn’t.

“Alright, mate. I’ll text you later, then.” Louis replied as Niall gave Harry a fist bump and climbed into the car. 

Harry watched as they pulled away and drove off. He walked out of the parking lot and waited on the sidewalk for Gemma to arrive. He waited. He waited some more and, after nearly thirty minutes had gone by, he was starting to get a bit confused. Maybe she forgot what time he’s let out? 

When he called her phone, there was no answer. When he texted her, there was no reply. He shrugged it off trying to find the best excuse in his head. Maybe she’s taking a nap and didn’t anticipate that she’d stay asleep so long? Yeah, maybe.

He calls his mum and even she didn’t pick up. Now, he was starting to get worried. His mum _always_ answered the phone. He sat down on the curb anxiously biting his lips and picking at his fingernails when he received a notification on his phone. He had never grabbed his phone as quickly as he did just then but was disappointed, for the first time ever, to see a text from Louis.

**Louis: hey mate, what you up to?**

**Harry: Still waiting for Gemma. You?**

**Louis: you’re still at school???**

**Harry: Yeah haha**

**Louis: Harry do you want me to pick you up?**

**Harry: No it’s alright. I’m sure she’s on the way**

**Louis: H you know i don’t mind**

**Harry: It’s fine Louis but thanks for the offer**

**Louis: let me know when you’re home then**

Harry put his phone back in his pocket without responding to Louis. He silently prayed that Gemma would arrive soon because it was starting to get a bit chilly out. 

\--

Harry had been sitting on that curb for a little over two hours now when Louis texted him again.

**Louis: Harry?**

**Harry: Yes?**

**Louis: you never texted when you got home**

**Harry: I haven’t gotten home yet**

**Louis: are you out with Gem then?**

**Harry: No…**

**Louis: I’m on my way**

Before Harry could protest, he _finally_ received a phone call from his mum. He quickly answered the phone as he stood up, saying, “Mum?”

“Harry,” She sighed. 

“Mum, is everything alright? Gemma was supposed to pick me up but she hasn’t been answering her phone a-and neither were you… Is everything okay?” Harry asked frantically.

“Harry.” She let out a sob.

“...Mum?” 

“Harry, I’ve got to tell you something- and it’s not going to be easy. C-can you sit down somewhere?” She spoke cautiously.

Harry slowly sat back down on the curb, eyes fixed to the road, and asked, “Mum. Is everything alright?”

“No, Harry,” She sighed yet again and Harry’s anxiety had never been so present. “It’s not going to be very easy for me to tell you this.” 

Harry stayed silent. The anticipation was excruciatingly painful. 

“Harry, grandpa’s got cancer… We’re at the hospital now.”

Harry continued to stay silent. He had so many questions. So many that he didn’t even know which one to ask first. After a long pause, she spoke again.

“Harry?” He just sat there, phone pressed to his ear, staring blankly ahead at nothing specific. He couldn’t even hear his mum pleading for him to say something. He just sat there completely and utterly numb. He was snapped out of his thoughts when he heard a car horn. He looked up to see Louis’ car. 

“I’ll send Gemma to get you-”

“It’s alright, mum. I’ll meet you there.” He said and immediately hung up the phone.

He stood up, grabbed his backpack, slid his phone into his pocket, and slowly made his way towards Louis’ car.

“Hey, Harry- you alright? You look a little pale.” Louis said upon Harry’s arrival. 

“Yeah.”

“...You sure?”

“Yes, Louis.” Harry said firmly. 

Louis figured Harry might be angry that he had to wait so long only for Gemma to never show up. So, he let the issue subside. He shifted gears and began driving.

“So, your house then?” He asked. 

Harry fished Louis’ phone out of the cup holder and opened his GPS app. He set directions to the hospital and put the phone back in the cup holder. “Can you please drop me off here?” Harry asked.

Louis looked down at the phone, seeing the drive was nearly forty-five minutes long, and asked, “Where’s this leading to?”

“Please, Louis. Just-just please take me there.” Harry pleaded. He hadn’t looked at Louis once since he got in the car. Louis could sense the urgency and knew something was wrong. He didn’t pry. Clearly, Harry didn’t want to talk about it. 

\--

They arrived at the destination and, much to Louis’ surprise, it was a hospital. 

“Harry?” He questions as he looks at the hospital and then back to Harry.

“Thanks for the ride.” Harry says as he climbs out. Louis watches him with concern displayed all over his face. He unbuckles his seatbelt and quickly makes his way out of the car and paces behind Harry. He reaches for Harry’s arm and calls out for the boy. 

Harry stops and turns his head to the side, acknowledging Louis with his back still facing him.

“Harry, please tell me everything’s okay.” Louis begs. 

Harry took in a sharp breath and stiffened. He didn’t know what to say. He truly doesn’t know if anything’s okay right now and he didn’t want to lie to Louis. He couldn’t lie to Louis. 

“I’ll text you later.” Is all Harry says as he continues to walk towards the hospital, leaving Louis standing there with a million thoughts racing around his head. He stood there watching Harry’s figure get smaller and smaller until he was completely gone. 

He went back to the car and sat inside, unsure of what to do. He needed to know what was going on so he decided to start a group-chat with the rest of the boys to see if any one had any information about Harry.

**Louis: hey lads**

**Niall: hey whats up mate**

**Louis: has anyone spoken to Harry after school today?**

**Liam: no i haven’t i went straight home**

**Zayn: no**

**Niall: not me… why?**

**Louis: somethings wrong. I just dropped him off at the hospital but he wouldn’t tell me whats going on**

**Liam: really??**

**Niall: what**

**Niall: call me**

As Louis was about to press the call button, Niall beat him to it and, just as he was about to speak, Niall interjects at him. “Louis, what’s going on?”

“I have no idea. All I know is that Gemma was supposed to pick him up after school but she never showed. So, I went to pick him up, like, three hours afterschool, Niall. _Three hours_. I picked him up and he just asked me to drop him off here. I don’t know what to do, Niall. He wasn’t acting like himself…” Louis explained. 

He hears shuffling on the other end of the phone and then Niall says, “Which hospital are you at? I’ll borrow my mum’s car or-”

“No, Niall. I’m going to wait here until he comes back out. I don’t care how long that takes.”

“Are you sure? I-”

“I’m sure, Niall. You’ll be the first one I call if I get any news.” Louis assures. 

Niall sighs and says, “Alright, thanks. _Please_ keep me updated.”

\--

It had been roughly three hours since Louis dropped Harry off at the hospital and Louis had been waiting in his car ever since. The sun had already set and all of the street lamps were glowing. He tried to keep himself busy by using his phone and even did some of his homework, too. Eventually, he grew bored and, he’s not sure how or when, he managed to fall asleep. 

He’s not sure how long he had slept, but he was abruptly awoken by someone knocking on his window. His eyes shot open and he used the back of his hand to wipe off the drool that had escaped from his lips. He turned to look at the figure standing by his car and was met with a very tired looking Harry. He collected himself and quickly opened the door.

He stepped out and said, “Harry-”

“Louis, what are you still doing here?” Louis took note of how incredibly weary Harry’s voice sounded. It sounded strained and he looked awful. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy and Louis discerned the remnants of tears on his cheeks. 

“I was- I was just worried. I wanted to make sure you were okay- are you okay?” Louis said frantically. 

Harry shrugged as Louis searched his face for any emotion but could not read him at all. Harry was numb and Louis was so fucking scared. He was about to speak up when Harry beat him to it. “Can we talk?” Harry asked quietly, staring straight into Louis’ eyes. 

“Y-yeah- Of course.” Louis stuttered. 

Harry looked back at his mum, Gemma, and some other family members, that Louis didn’t recognize, and then he looked back at Louis and said, “Give me a second.” 

Before Louis could respond, he watched as Harry walked away. He walked over to his family, exchanged a few words and hugs, and then made the short journey back to Louis’ car, all the while his shoulders were slumped in defeat. He stops in front of Louis and just stares at him for a moment. Louis gulped. He was so fucking worried at this point. 

Then, without a word, Harry walked over to the passenger door and climbed into the car. Louis urgently gets inside the car, shuts the door, and turns to look at Harry. They sit in silence as Louis stares at Harry while Harry stares at the hospital. Louis’ lips were turning purple at how hard he was biting down on them. Two minutes of silence go by as Harry’s eyes are still fixed on that fucking hospital and Louis was about ready to scream out in frustration. The tension was killing him. 

“Harry?” He spoke as softly as he could but the sound still managed to startle Harry. Harry jumped and quickly turned his head to face Louis. 

“S-sorry. Can we-um... Can we go for a walk?” Harry asked. Louis immediately starts the engine and says, “Of course we can.” 

\--

Louis drives them to the same park that they had visited just after the sleepover at Niall’s. They hop out of the car and Harry instantly starts walking off, not even waiting for Louis to catch up. So, Louis speedwalks until he is walking beside Harry. Harry, whose eyebrows are knitted together and lips are being aggressively gnawed on, says, “Thanks for waiting. You really didn’t have to.”

“I know, but- I couldn’t leave. Not when you were so obviously distressed.”

They stayed silent for a while, their shoulders brushing against one another every now and then. After walking around the field for about five minutes, they agree to take a seat on the grass all the while Louis was still anxiously waiting for Harry to open up about the situation. He wanted to grab the boy and shake the information out of him. He watches as Harry opens his mouth to speak, but then closes it again. Louis isn’t sure what he can do to get Harry to start talking. He starts going through different plans on what he should do next when Harry finally speaks.

“Louis?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m scared.” Harry said very quietly, but in the still of the night, Louis heard it clearly. 

“What- Why?”

He watches as Harry pulls his knees to his chest and wraps his arms around his legs. He hangs his head as his shoulders slump. Louis wants to hold him. He wants to fucking hold Harry and comfort him, but he doesn’t want to overstep any boundaries. Harry doesn’t say anything for a while and Louis doesn’t know what the fuck he should do at this point. Without thinking, he takes Harry’s hand and keeps it wrapped tightly by his own. He says, “Harry, please talk to me.” 

Harry looks down at their hands. The gesture was extremely comforting… Especially when Louis used his thumb to caress Harry’s knuckles. He looked at Louis. He was filled with so much unforeseen and unfamiliar emotion, he didn’t know where to begin. _Start from the beginning,_ he thought.

He took in a deep breath and said, “My mum called just before you came to pick me up. Gemma hadn’t picked me up because she was at the hospital with my mum-”

“Is Gemma alright? And your mum? Are they okay?” Louis rushed out as he squeezed Harry’s hand. 

“Um- for the most part, yeah. We’re all a bit shaken up, though.” He said. He was talking so slowly, almost as if his mind was somewhere else. Harry glanced at Louis and could see the confusion written all over his face. “It’s my grandpa,” Harry said, looking directly at Louis.

Louis’ eyes widened slightly and his thumb’s movement halted. “Harry-”

“He’s got pancreatic cancer.” Harry’s voice cracked by the time he finished the sentence. He didn’t think he had any tears left to cry, but seeing Louis’ eyes filling with tears was enough to make him break. 

“Harry, I-” Louis’ voice cracked. He was in utter disbelief. He watched as Harry’s bottom lip started to tremble and his eyebrows curved upwards. 

_Pain_.

Without hesitation, he wraps his arms around Harry and pulls him to his chest. Harry cries. He sobs and he hiccups and- He has never felt so fucking small. Louis slowly laid them back on the grass. He held Harry so tightly and felt his shirt getting wet with Harry’s tears but there were more important things to worry about than a soiled shirt right now.

“Harry, I’m so, so sorry.” He said as he squeezed Harry a bit tighter. 

“I’m so scared, Louis.”

Louis couldn’t hold it in anymore. Hearing how defeated Harry sounded was his breaking point and he started crying as well. He tried to collect himself before he said, “I know, love. I know.”

“H-he’s my best friend, Lou.” He can feel Harry trembling. 

He places a comforting kiss to the top of Harry’s head as he rubs a soothing hand up and down Harry’s back.

“I know.”

\--

They had laid there, Harry in Louis’ tight embrace, until Harry literally could not cry anymore. He asked if Louis could take him home because he was exhausted and just wanted the day to end. So there they were, sat in Louis’ car parked in front of Harry’s home. 

“Thank you, Louis, for everything today.”

“It’s no problem. You don’t have to thank me.”

Without another word, Harry was unbuckling his seatbelt and getting ready to leave when, “Harry?” Harry turned his head slowly. “Let me know if you need anything at all, alright?”

Harry nodded in response and gave Louis a half-smile, though it never reached his eyes. 

“I probably won’t be at school tomorrow.” Harry adds after a short beat of silence.

“That’s okay.” Louis whispers. 

Louis stiffened when he noticed Harry’s eyes dancing around his face. He didn’t like the look of despair in Harry’s eyes and the way he was looking over Louis was filling Louis with so much negative emotion. 

“Goodnight, Lou.” 

“Goodnight, Harry.” 

Louis watches Harry make his way inside without sparing a second glance in Louis’ direction. He starts driving home and, as it is nearing eleven o’clock, he debates whether he should call Niall now or first thing in the morning. He’s sure that Niall is awake, or is staying up, waiting for Louis’ call and decides the right choice would be to put Niall’s mind more at ease. 

He parks his car in the driveway, gathers his things, and hops out of the car. He dials Niall’s number as he leans against his car. Niall picked up the phone after one short ring. 

“Hey- Anything?” Niall asked.

“Y-yeah… I-uh. I talked to Harry.”

“Okay…”

“Fuck- Niall, it’s not good, mate.” Louis sighed, using his thumb and index finger to pinch the bridge of his nose. 

“Louis, please-”

“It’s his grandpa.” 

That was enough to have Niall at a loss for words. They both stay silent, trying to find the right words to say. Louis hears Niall take in a hitched breath and say, “Shit.”

“He said he’s not coming to school tomorrow.” Louis adds. 

“I have to see him. I have to make sure he’s okay-”

“Not tonight, Niall. He really wanted to go to bed-”

“Louis, he’s my best friend. He’s my _fucking_ brother. I have to _fucking_ see him-”

“Niall, he’s got cancer.”

Then, after a moment of silence, Niall asks, “What?” Louis didn’t reply. He was getting choked up again and his mind flashed with Harry’s defeated face. “You’re joking.” Niall says.

“I wish I was.” Louis sighed. 

Another wave of silence as the tension between the two phones grew heavy. Louis heard Niall clear his throat.

“I’m not going to school tomorrow. I’ve got to see him.” Niall said. 

“Do you think we should give him some space?” Louis asked quietly.

“Louis, I’ve got to see him.” He stated firmly. 

Louis nodded, though Niall couldn’t see, and said, “I’ll come with you. He’s going to need a lot of support. He’s really gutted… It was hard to see him so hurt.” 

“Yeah…” Niall agreed as he started thinking about Harry’s past. “Sounds good. I’m going to let Liam and Zayn know what’s going on. They’ve been worried as well.”

“Alright,” Louis started. He sighed and said, “See you tomorrow, then.”

“Yeah- and, Louis?” He waited for Niall to continue as he started walking towards his front porch. “Thanks, man. You’re a great friend and I’m glad Harry’s got you in his life.”

Louis stopped in his tracks and smiled. “I love you, bro, but don’t get all sappy on me now.” He chuckled lightly into the phone and added, “I’ll see you.”

He heard Niall laugh before he said, “See you.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to add that Paul is not Paul Higgins LMFAO

The following morning, Louis picks up Niall bright and early at seven. 

“Hey, mate,” Niall greets as he sits in the passenger’s seat and buckles his seatbelt. “So, Zayn’s bringing a bunch of pillows and blankets and Liam’s bringing his ‘Friends’ set because that’s Harry’s-”

“Zayn and Liam are coming?” Louis asks, shifting the car to drive and taking off.

“Yes, I told them that you and I weren’t going to school and they wanted to join and spend time with Harry, too.”

Louis nodded in acknowledgement. He was filled with so much emotion in that moment. He knew how appreciative Harry was going to be by the gesture from all of the boys and he was hoping that this would show just how much they all support him. 

Louis and Niall stop at a Tesco to buy loads of snacks and Niall even took the time to call Anne and ask if it would be okay if he and the boys stopped by to spend time with Harry. She was all for the idea since she had to leave for work that morning and Gemma was attending her classes all day, meaning Harry would be left alone. She really didn’t want Harry to be alone right now. 

They get to Harry’s house at 7:45 and are greeted by Liam and Zayn hopping out of Zayn’s car. They decided to leave everything in the car for now since they’re not even sure Harry wants them around today. Slowly, they walk up the steps of Harry’s porch and Niall takes the initiative to knock on the door. 

Anne opens the door and smiles fondly at the group of boys. All of the boys take turns greeting her with a big hug and express how sorry they are for the unfortunate news. 

Just then, Harry makes his way down the stairs to investigate all of the commotion he’d heard. He wasn’t expecting to see so many people in his living room so early in the morning, but was taken aback when he saw all of the boys, his boys, talking with his mum. He just stood there watching them from the bottom of the staircase. 

Niall turns to look towards the staircase, debating on whether or not he should go and wake Harry, and catches Harry’s eye. His face instantly softens at the sight of Harry who looks absolutely fucked. Almost as if he didn’t sleep at all last night, which he actually hadn’t. He makes his way over as Harry takes the final steps down from the stairs. Niall engulfs Harry into a hug and Harry hugs him back, clinging onto Niall for dear life as he instantly starts crying on his shoulder. 

See, Niall has always been an anchor for Harry. He always grounded him when everything seemed to be going to hell and Harry was- He was just so grateful to have Niall around. He relentlessly sobbed on Niall’s shoulder, not holding back. Liam heard one of Harry’s sobs and turned to the two boys holding each other. He nudged Zayn’s arm with his elbow and Zayn looked over as well. Louis was still trying to comfort Anne when he noticed her gaze shift away from him. He followed her gaze to Niall and Harry. 

They all stood there watching as Harry’s body jerked along with his crying and hiccuping. The three boys shared a glance and a silent agreement as they proceeded to walk towards the other two. Liam wrapped his arms as much as he could around Harry and Niall as Zayn and Louis followed suit. The room was then quiet, aside from Harry’s quiet sobs filling the still air. 

They stayed this way for a solid five minutes until Harry finally lifted his head from Niall’s shoulder and his eyes instantly fixed on Louis. He sniffles and blinks slowly at him. Niall loosens his grip and so do the rest of the boys. 

Harry clears his throat and uses his shirt to wipe his nose. “Thanks, boys.” He says quietly as Anne walks over with a box of tissues and tears brimming her eyes. 

“I’m sorry to disrupt the moment,” She starts as she pulls out a tissue and wipes at her eyes. “I’m off to work, sweetheart.” She says to Harry, handing him the box of tissues. She gives him a tight hug and a kiss on the forehead. “Bye, love. I’ll see you later.” 

“Bye, mum.” Harry remarks. The boys also bid their farewells to Anne as she makes her way out. Harry looks over at the clock on the wall and says, “You guys should get going, too. You don’t want to be late.”

“We’re not going to school today…” Liam remarks, placing a hand on Harry’s shoulder. 

“Yeah, we wanted to spend the day with you. That’s if you want us to, of course.” Zayn adds. 

“Are you sure?” Harry asked hesitantly. “I don’t want you guys to get behind on your schoolwork and-”

“Harry,” Niall interrupted. “We  _ want _ to spend time with you. We don’t care about our bloody schoolwork. Not today.” 

Harry looked at all of them unsurely. He really didn’t want to be the reason why the boys would have double the work to complete when they get back to school. He doesn’t need that added guilt. He’s already dealing with a heap of guilt. He doesn’t need anymore. None at all. 

Still, the boys insist that they don’t mind at all. He thinks about spending the day with the boys and he knows it’ll be a great distraction from the mess that is his life at the moment but, at the same time, he also thinks about how good it’ll feel to just crawl into bed and never leave again. Just- Just hide away in his cocoon of blankets and shut everything out. That would be ideal right now. He’s craving the solitude, the isolation. But, obviously, the boys aren’t going to let that happen. No chance.

So, he agrees and the boys were happy to hear it, especially Louis, who still hasn’t said a word to Harry as of yet. 

“We’re going to have a sick day, mate. Just us boys! We brought blankets and pillows and snacks… Oh! Liam brought his _‘Friends’_ set ‘cause we know how much you love it-”

“‘ _Friends_?’” Harry interjected Niall. Niall nodded and wrapped an arm around his shoulder and gave him a light squeeze.

Louis watched on. In a way, he wanted to be in Niall’s position, but he was just way too shy at that moment. He’s never been in a position like this… Having to comfort a friend who’s just received this type of news. He felt brand new. He didn’t know how to act around Harry. He wasn’t sure if he should be giving him more space or if he should be crowding his space. He doesn’t know what Harry wants and he’s too scared to ask. 

Without realizing, Louis notices that all of the boys have now left the room and he’s standing there with Harry looking at him expectantly. Harry shoots Louis a shy smile and a nod and Louis just- fuck. He just wants to hold him so fucking tight. 

_ It’s okay. Everything’s going to be alright. I’m here for you whenever you need me. I’ll always be here for you, _ he wanted to say, but couldn’t find the courage. Instead, he settles for, “Sleep well?”

Harry shook his head, “Actually, I didn’t sleep at all.”

“Harry… Maybe we shouldn’t be here then? Do you want us to go? So that you can catch up on sleep? We can go-” Louis said frantically. 

Harry reached out and grabbed Louis’ wrist. Louis felt a rush going up his spine and he straightened up. “It’s okay,” Harry started with a kind smile. Louis noticed the bags under his eyes, his disheveled hair, and his chapped lips. “I thought about it. I would prefer being alone right now, but I know that’s not what’s best for me. I’m glad you’re here.”

Louis softened. He physically softened his shoulders and shut his eyes and let out a sigh. “Okay, if that’s what you want, we’ll stay.” 

Harry nodded and let go of Louis’ wrist once he realized that he was still holding on. Fuck. He’s gotta start being more careful with the physical contact. What if Louis doesn’t like it? Is that why he stiffened up so much? Fuck, does it make him uncomfortable?  _ Fuck. _

Louis instantly longed for the physical contact. Once Harry let go, Louis looked down at his wrist, still warm from Harry’s touch, and used his other hand to rub it softly. “Right, um. I’m going to help the boys with the stuff, then.”

“Right,” Harry said. The room was filled with more awkward silence and both of the boys couldn’t look at each other. “I’m going to go brush my teeth…”

They parted ways and as he was walking back up the stairs, he looked back at Louis, who was already making his way to the front door, and they made eye contact again. They shared another awkward smile and went about their business. 

\--

Niall and Liam were in charge of setting up the living room. They set up the pillows and blankets along the couch and the loveseat while Louis and Zayn were in the kitchen getting the snacks in order. 

“I still can’t believe it, bro.” Zayn said quietly as he filled a few bowls up with popcorn. “This is probably so hard on Harry.”

Louis couldn’t say anything. He didn’t know how to respond. He was hurting, too. The thing was, Louis felt like he was Paul’s son sometimes. The way the man easily allowed Louis into his life and showed him the same love a father would to a son was truly remarkable and it just made Louis feel so good. So loved. He never knew his biological father until he was in middle school when the guy  _ finally _ decided to make an appearance to one of his birthday parties. Louis didn’t even recognize him and brushed him off as one of his mum’s coworkers. 

It wasn’t until his mum met Mark, his stepdad, that Louis felt like he had a strong male presence in his life. Mark was amazing. He was very loving and always a big support system for Louis. But, the man was very opinionated. And very vocal about his opinions. Louis didn’t always agree with Mark’s mindset, but he never dared to go against it. 

It was fucked up, but he was afraid that if he spoke against Mark, then Mark wouldn’t love him anymore. He felt that way with a lot of people. Even with the boys sometimes. He was so afraid of having others dislike him that he would rather stay silent than speak up and stand up for what he believes in. 

So, when he found out the news about Paul he just couldn’t hide his emotions. There was absolutely no way. And it almost felt weird to talk about him now. He didn’t like the fact that, every time someone mentions Paul now, it’s going to most likely have something to do with his condition. He fucking hated that. So, he didn’t reply to Zayn. He grabbed two bowls of popcorn and went to the living room. 

As he entered, Harry entered as well almost as if on cue. He looked a bit neater now. He was out of his pajamas and sporting grey sweatpants and a white t-shirt. He tamed his hair and put socks on his feet. Louis made sure not to stare. Okay, maybe he stared a little. But, he made sure Harry didn’t notice. 

When Harry tried to help with the setting up, none of the boys let him. 

“C’mon. Let me do something. Anything.” He argued.

“Sit down, Harry!” Niall exclaimed. “We’re nearly finished, anyways.” Liam shut all of the curtains as Zayn plopped down on the loveseat. The coffee table was littered with snacks and drinks as Niall pulled one of the bowls of popcorn onto his lap. 

Louis felt a bit out of place. He really wanted to sit next to Harry, but that couch was so small and he knew it would be a tight fit if he, Niall, and Harry were all sitting on it. He was going to squeeze next to Zayn on the loveseat, but Liam beat him to it. 

Silently, Harry was hoping Louis would sit next to him. He was closest with Louis and Niall, after all, and thought, if he’s going to cuddle with any of the boys, it would definitely be either Niall or Louis. Not that- not that he’s planning on cuddling them… or something...

“Louis, have a seat, mate.” Niall casually stated, digging his hand into the bowl of popcorn. 

Harry lifted the blanket and looked up at Louis as if he was inviting him in. Louis gulped and took a seat and immediately felt the effects of having Harry’s thigh pressed so closely against his. He quickly grabbed the blanket and threw it over himself. The boys thought nothing of it as Liam hit play on the very first episode. 

\--

It was nearing noon and there were only a few episodes left of the first season. They kept having to pause because Liam and Harry had the smallest fucking bladders known to man. Zayn was knocked out. He had been ever since they started the second episode and Niall was now on the verge of falling asleep as well. 

Louis had his arm stretched across the back of the couch as he was feeling a lot more comfortable with the inevitable contact of their thighs and shoulders. He loved the way Harry threw his head back and laughed every time he found something funny and he loved the way his curls tickled his arm every time. When Harry laughed, Louis laughed, even if he didn’t find anything funny. His laugh was so infectious and heartwarming. 

When they finally started the second season, Liam had already fallen asleep as his head hung down between his shoulders. Zayn? He was still out cold. And Niall had finally dozed off as well. Louis’ eyes were slowly starting to roll back until he felt Harry’s head land gently on his shoulder. That woke him up instantly. 

Louis’ eyes darted around the room to see if any of the boys were awake and gulped when he noticed that they were all asleep. He didn’t really know what to do now… He sat there and tried watching the show, but it’s not nearly as entertaining when Harry isn’t there to laugh at their stupid jokes or to repeat the lines as they are spoken. So, he sat there. He didn’t dare to move because that would wake Harry and he knows Harry didn’t sleep all night and he would just be the absolute worst if he woke Harry up right now. He would go on his phone to kill time, but, motherfucker, he left it in the kitchen. 

He sighed and, without realizing, moved his arm, that was draped behind the couch, and landed his hand in Harry’s hair. He carded his fingers through his hair and began massaging his scalp lightly. He didn’t even know he was doing it, too engrossed in Joey trying to out spritz the cowboy in the men’s cologne department. 

He could’ve sworn Harry was still asleep. His breathing was so deep and even and it had Louis thinking that he was the only lucid one in the room. It wasn’t until he heard Harry say, “That feels nice, Lou.” that his movements came to a stop.

“What?” He replied, trying his best to lean forward and get a glimpse of Harry’s features. 

“Hair. It’s nice.” Harry mumbled. “Keep going.” 

Louis very hesitantly looked around the room again before he continued massaging his scalp. He felt Harry’s body relax against him. Harry shifted over and threw his arm across Louis’ torso and nuzzled his head against Louis’ chest. Louis couldn’t believe the position they were in. His eyes were wide and his body was stiff as Harry held onto him and rubbed a thumb against Louis’ side. 

Louis instinctively pulled the blanket higher up to cover Harry’s shoulders and very casually placed his other arm above the blanket, but held onto Harry’s bicep. 

“This okay?” He whispered, watching his breath fan against Harry’s hair.

“Yeah.” Harry breathed. He sighed in contentment and Louis couldn’t help but smile. This felt so wrong but so right. He wished they could do this all the time. Just casually hold each other. If Harry wasn’t in and out of sleep right now, he definitely wouldn’t be doing this. Or so, that’s what Louis is trying to convince himself. 

Louis surprises himself and says, “You’re so warm.” He clears his throat awkwardly as Harry just hums in response. 

“Louis-”

Louis shushes him and uses his nails to lightly scratch Harry’s scalp, “Go to sleep, love.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! Okay I honestly wasn't expecting to get any hits on this story nor any kudos either so i find it so incredibly cool that you're enjoying the story :) my therapist told me to find a creative outlet to express myself on and I love to write so I decided that I'd come here and try my hand at it. I just wanna say thank you so, so much for reading up until this point!!  
> I hope you're enjoying the story and if there are any questions or suggestions you'd like to make, please feel free to do so (criticism is always welcome).
> 
> Anyways, I hope you have a great day/night and a great read! 
> 
> (This chapter is very personal)

It’d been a year since Harry received the dreadful news about his grandpa’s condition. It had also been a very eventful year for him. He got a job at a small bakery just a few blocks from school and spent most of the summer working. When he wasn’t working, you’d find him with either the boys or with his grandpa. 

He even went on a fishing trip that summer. Him, Paul, and the boys. And it was fucking great. It was the happiest Harry had been in a while and it was something he definitely needed. They had to take two cars in order to fit everyone and, even so, Louis insisted that Harry and Paul ride together alone because he remembered how much Harry complained about not being able to spend time with Paul since he was working a lot and Paul lived pretty far. 

Things were different, though. Paul wasn’t the same and Harry could notice all types of little differences. Before, they’d always blast their music and scream the words out and completely let loose. Now, Paul could barely go through half of a song before he would have to take a rest. Not only that, his appearance had changed severely. What was once a man with a mildly protruding belly was now mostly skin and bones. And a man who once had a good amount of hair on the top of his head was now nearing complete baldness. But, the smile on his face never faltered. The smile on his face was  _ always _ present. 

That smile was the only thing that would calm Harry’s nerves when he would notice the changes. 

Unfortunately for the boys, Paul only owned two rods so they’d have to take turns reeling the fish in. Zayn wasn’t super into it anyways so he brought along a sketchpad and some pencils to keep himself busy. Harry had brought along the rod that Paul gifted him on his birthday and Louis brought a disposable camera that he threw in the basket last minute while at a convenience store buying crips for the trip.

It was a day to remember. It was a day Harry would never forget. All of the men he loved most in the world were all together and everyone was having a great time and having laughs and making memories. There were times where Harry would find himself standing alone, rod in hand, watching the boys clown on each other and making Paul laugh. Those were moments he’d cherish forever. He’d get emotional if he watched on too long so he always made sure to look away before he shed any tears. 

He always reminded himself,  _ six years. The doctor says he’s got six years. You have more than enough time to spend with him.  _ But, seeing the way his body was altering due to the treatments, it always confused him. If only under a year he has changed so drastically, he doesn’t know what the next six years is going to entail. If those years prove to be like the past year, then there will literally be nothing left of the man. He’d just be a skeleton at that point. And that’s not something Harry wants to think about, or should think about, but the thought pops into his mind every now and then and it absolutely kills him. 

It was extremely hard to watch his best friend deteriorate right before his eyes.

As the day went on, Louis would take random photos on both his phone and on the disposable camera without telling the lads. He got many candid photos of Zayn, but he knows that Zayn might’ve been posing for a few of them, the cheeky bastard. He got pictures of Niall and Liam holding up a fish they caught and mimicking its fish face and even got a few candids of Harry teaching Niall how to cast a line. They had Paul take a group photo of all the boys and then asked a stranger to take a photo of all of them together. 

As noon was approaching, all of the boys were sitting on rocks talking and playing with their phones aside from Harry. Harry was standing beside Paul as they both held onto their rods and were chatting about something inaudible to the boys. Louis looked on. He watched how Paul would lean towards Harry and say something that made Harry guffaw, his laugh echoing throughout the air. He would only get to see the side of Harry’s face but noticed that he hadn’t stopped smiling in over ten minutes, even when they weren’t talking to each other.

_ “I enjoy his company more, though. He and I… We both don’t talk much, but just being in each other’s presence is always enough.”  _

Louis looked down at the camera and saw that there was only one piece of film left. He stood up, wound the gear at the top of the camera, and looked through the viewfinder as he pointed the camera at Harry and Paul. He took a few strides to the left as he tried to find an angle where he could see both Harry and Paul’s face. 

He’s pretty sure he snapped the most perfect picture. He stood there waiting for the perfect moment and when Paul made another joke, Harry faced him with the biggest smile plastered on his face. His eyes nearly shut from smiling so wide and his grandpa looking down at him with a big smile of his own. Louis snapped the photo, the very last film, and prays that the photo turned out alright. 

After the trip, he promised the boys that he would take the camera to get the film developed as soon as possible. That obviously didn’t happen since the first thing he did when he got home was toss it into one of his bedside drawers and plopped down on his bed. 

They didn’t go on any more fishing trips after that. Partly because Harry was constantly working and partly because Paul didn’t have the same energy as he used to.  _ It’s okay, Harry. Six years. _

\--

When summer break came to an end, the boys rarely got to see Harry. They always hung out at lunch but, aside from that, Harry was always either at the bakery or at home doing his schoolwork. He tried to spend as much time with the boys as possible, but there was always something in the way. He was trying to save up money so he could buy a car of his own which was one of the reasons why he was always working so much. The other reason being that he wanted to help his mum pay for his grandpa’s treatment. Every paycheck, he would give his mum half of what he earned and put the rest in a shoebox under his bed. 

He tried to persuade her into taking his entire paycheck every month, but she wasn’t having any of it.

“No, Harry. You’re working hard for that money and I want you to keep what you’ve earned. Don’t worry, I’ll figure it out-”

“Mum, please, just let me help. I don’t care about the money. I want you to have it. At least take half? Please?” 

And, with a few bats of his eyelashes, she rolled her eyes and agreed to his terms. 

\--

Harry was on his way to fourth period, textbook in hand, when he felt his phone incessantly buzzing in his pocket. He stopped in his tracks and pulled out his phone and saw his mum calling. He found it a bit odd since she never calls while he’s at school, but brushed off the thought as he answered the call.

“Hello?”

“Harry.”

“Yeah, mum. What’s up?” He asked as he started walking again. 

“We have to talk.” 

Harry started slowing down. “Okay… All good?”

“Not really, no.” She sighed.

He stopped walking again and looked at his watch to see how much time he had left to make it to class.  _ Three minutes… Should be enough time, _ he thought. 

He cleared his throat and said, “What’s going on?”

She sighs and takes a moment to collect her thoughts. “Grandpa’s back in the hospital. He wasn’t doing well this morning so he went to see his doctor and he said that his condition is getting worse.” She waited for a response, but Harry was just too antsy to reply. She took in a deep breath and continued, “He decided he wants to stop his treatment.”

Harry stiffened. “W-what?”

“I’m coming to pick you up, okay? Just- Go wait in the office until I get there.” 

“Yeah- Um. Alright.” 

His mind stilled as he just stood there dumbfounded. His mum had hung up the phone already, but he still kept the phone pressed to his ear. He heard the bell ring and felt students brushing past him, but he couldn’t move. 

It wasn’t until he felt a hand on his shoulder that he jumped and turned to see one of the school’s staff staring at him. 

“Don’t you have somewhere to be, young man?” The woman asked. 

“Um,” Harry started. He looked down at his phone trying to make sense of what just happened during that phone call. He looked back up at the woman and said, “My mum is coming to pick me up. She told me to wait in the office.” 

The woman nodded, took her hand off of his shoulder, and said, “Go on then.”

\--

The drive to the hospital was filled with only the low murmur of music from the radio and Harry nervously picking at his fingers. Once they arrive, they sign in and take the elevator up to their designated floor and walk down the eerie, white hallway until they are stopped in front of Paul’s room.

Harry didn’t remember any of that. He doesn’t remember arriving at the hospital, going up the elevator, not even walking down the hallway. It was as if he was somewhere else and his mind was on autopilot and only when the door creaked open was he then brought back to the harsh reality that he was forced to face. 

His eyes were fixed to the floor as Gemma and his mum walked slowly into the room before him. He cautiously stepped inside, hearing a “Hey, dad,” from his mum and another greeting from Gemma. 

“Hello, my sweet girls. How are you?”

They didn’t answer. Anne just shrugged. Harry was yet to look up, but he just couldn’t bear it. He knew that, with the treatment being put to a stop, his grandpa wouldn’t live very much longer. And he just didn’t want to face that. He didn’t want to face the truth. Not yet. 

He had so many plans for them. So many fucking plans. They were supposed to go fishing a few more times and they planned on going to a concert, or two, together. They were supposed to go on a long road trip together just so they could listen to music and sing together in the car. There was still so much they had to do. 

It’s just- It’s not fair. It’s not fucking fair. The doctors said he’d have at least six more years, yet here they are less than a year later. Less than a fucking year. It’s not fair. 

He doesn’t want to look up. He couldn’t look up. 

Gemma looked over to him with worry written all over her face. See, the thing was, they all know how close Harry and Paul are. They know how much harder this is for Harry than for anyone else, really. 

She walked over to him and put her hand on his back, rubbing soothingly. He lifted his head and looked at her as she gave him a small smile. 

“Hey,” She said softly. “Do you want to get some air?”

Harry looked back down, staring at his shoes, and chewed on his lip before nodding. He felt so incredibly bad, though. He shouldn’t be avoiding the inevitable. But, right now, that’s all he can bring himself to do.

Gemma gives a small nod to their mum and grandpa as she leads Harry out of the room and out of the hospital. 

Once they walk past the hospital doors, he lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He takes in a shaky breath and turns to Gemma.

“Harry-”

“I can’t do it, Gem. I can’t do it. I can’t look at him. I- I can’t talk to him. I-”

“I know it’s hard.” She said, placing her hands on his biceps. “We’re all hurting right now. But you can’t just run away from this. I know how much he means to you and how much you mean to him. This is just as hard for him as it is for you. You’ve got to talk to him.” She pulled him in for a tight hug, carding her fingers through his hair. “You’ll regret it later if you don’t. Believe me.”

They stay outside for a few minutes, all the while Gemma is holding Harry and rubbing soothing circles into his back. Meanwhile, most of their family has gotten word of the news and have made their way to the hospital to bid their farewells to Paul. 

Harry has so much he wants to say to him, but he just can’t seem to find the right words. He doesn’t know how to organize his thoughts and he doesn’t know how to take control of the situation. He feels completely and utterly lost.

“Gem,” he says with a small sob. He buries his face into her shoulder as he tries to hold back his tears. His emotions get the best of him, though, and the tears begin to escape. 

“Harry, I love you so much. You are so strong, you know that right? You are so brave and you  _ can _ do this.”

He absorbed her words. He replayed them in his head like a silent mantra. 

_ You are so strong. You are so brave. You can do this.  _

Eventually, he loosened his embrace and Gemma took a good look at him. She used her thumb to wipe away the stray tears on his cheeks and said, “Are you ready to go inside?”

Harry sniffled and nodded as Gemma wrapped her arm around his shoulders and led him back to the hospital room. 

\--

As the hours went by, more of their family started showing up. When Gemma and Harry made it back inside, they saw some of their family members talking to Paul, so they respected their privacy and waited in the hallway. 

Harry was leaned against the wall, hands in his hoodie’s pocket, still staring at the floor as some family left the room and others went in right afterwards. His phone occasionally vibrated in his pocket, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Whoever was texting him was the last thing Harry was worried about right now. 

Meanwhile, Louis and Niall were on the phone with each other talking about Harry’s mysterious disappearance during the school day. 

“Yeah, mate, I saw him in third period. I pass by his class on the way to mine and always look through the window on the door to make sure he’s there. He was there today, so I don’t know, Niall. I have no idea where he went.” Louis said. 

“‘S fucking weird. We have fourth together and he wasn’t there. He doesn’t even have a car. How did he even leave school? Where would he even go?”

Louis sighs, “I don’t know, mate. I’ve no idea.”

“Louis, I’m worried about him. This isn't like him. He always answers his phone or replies to texts at the very least. Do you think I should go to his house? Maybe his phone died and he fell asleep? Maybe-”

“Calm down. Come round to mine, we’ll go together, yeah?”

“Yeah, okay.” Niall breathed out. “Alright, see you soon.”

\--

They get to Harry’s house and see Gemma’s car is in the driveway. They rush to the porch as Niall knocks loudly on the door. They wait. 

They wait some more. Niall knocks again as Louis puts his ear to the door to see if he can hear any sort of activity inside. 

“It’s dead silent.” Louis observes. 

“Fuck, Louis.” Niall fists at his hair. “Fuck!” 

“Niall, chill out. M- Maybe he had somewhere to be? Maybe they took Anne’s car? If Gemma’s car is still here, then that means they’re all together, okay? Let’s try to think positively.” 

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” Niall repeats as he shuts his eyes tightly. “Louis, I know something bad has happened. I just know it. I’m telling you. Harry  _ always _ texts back. The messages are delivering and the calls are going through. His phone is on and he’s not replying. I know something’s wrong. I know it, Louis. I know-”

Louis pulls Niall into a hug and urges him to breathe in and out. He was so tense. He tries to get Niall to calm down and sighs in relief when he feels Niall loosen up his shoulders. 

“Don’t jump to conclusions, alright? I’m sure everything is alright and we’re just overanalyzing the situation. If he doesn’t reply tonight, then we’ll see him at school tomorrow anyways. We’ll talk to him then, okay? Maybe he just wants to be alone right now. Let’s give him space, okay?” Louis says, pulling away from the hug but keeping his hands on Niall’s shoulders. He watches as Niall slowly nods and closes his eyes. 

“Yeah, you’re probably right. He’s okay. He’s alright. He just needs some alone time.”

“Yup, there we go.” Louis encourages. 

They leave Harry’s home, but Louis has the same gut feeling that Niall has. They know something is off, but he can’t bear to see Niall this way, so he tries to play cool for the sake of his friend’s sanity. 

When Niall drops him off back home, Louis has already decided that he was going to get in his car and drive around to see if he could find Harry. He was planning on going to the bakery to see if Harry was working. He was planning on going to the park that they visit every now and then. Hell, he was even considering driving an hour and a half to the lake that they’ve gone fishing at if it meant that he’d find Harry. 

He went to the bakery, but Harry wasn’t around. He circled the park and, again, Harry wasn’t there. He thought about going to the lake, but after thoughtful consideration, he ruled against that. “No,” he began. “It’s a school day. He would’ve gone in the morning.” He rested his head on the steering wheel trying to think of where he should go next. 

He looked at the time. It had been three hours since he and Niall went to Harry’s house so he thought that maybe Harry had made it home by now. 

Harry hadn’t made it home. Louis cursed under his breath as he started getting even more nervous. “Okay, chill out, Lou.” He told himself. He drove home in silence hoping and praying that Harry was okay wherever he was. 

\--

Most of Harry’s family had left the hospital by now. It was almost ten o’clock and Harry was yet to speak to his grandpa. He was still trying to find the right words to say. What are you even supposed to say in a situation like this?

A few more minutes go by and now it’s just the four of them left. Gemma, Anne, Paul, and Harry. Anne comes out of the room and pulls Harry into a hug. 

“He wants to talk to you.” She says quietly. 

Harry pulls away and gulps. He nods as his mum gives him a soft pat on the back and takes a few steps forward. He makes his way into the hospital room, reminding himself to breathe. 

He shuts the door behind him and, finally, looks up to meet his grandpa’s eyes. 

Paul gives him a small smile. “My boy.” 

Harry breaks. His lip quivers and he tries so hard to hold back his tears but to no avail. “Grandpa,” he sobs. “I’m so,  _ so _ sorry.” 

His grandpa motions for Harry to come closer to which he obeys. He stumbles over to the hospital bed, wiping his eyes with the back of his hands. He sat down on the chair beside the bed and rested his elbows on his knees and let his head hang between his shoulders. 

“There’s nothing to be sorry for-“ 

“I’m sorry I didn’t get to spend more time with you. I’m sorry we didn’t go fishing more and I’m sorry that we didn’t go on that road trip we talked about and all of those concerts that we wanted to go to. I’m sorry th-that we didn’t get to do all the things that I promised we’d do. I just- I thought we had more time.” He hid his face in his hands as more tears streamed down his face. He hiccuped and sniffled and made all of the ugly noises that are associated with crying and he was so embarrassed and ashamed. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t help you. I’m so sorry.” 

“Harry-“

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, grandpa. I’m so-“ 

“Harry.” Paul grabbed Harry’s wrist. Harry looked up, eyes red and brimmed with tears. “Harry, stop that. You have absolutely nothing to apologize for.” 

“No, I-“ 

“You’ve done nothing but make me as happy as I can be and I can’t thank you enough for that, Harry. I don’t care about all the things we didn’t get to do. All I care about is all that we have been able to do,  _ together _ .” 

Harry stayed silent. He chewed on the inside of his lip as his eyebrows furrowed. He thought long and hard for a while before he spoke again. 

“I’m sorry that we couldn’t spend more time together.” He says quietly. “I don’t want you to go.” 

“I know, but it’s time. I wish I could stay a bit longer to watch you and Gemma grow up, get married, have kids, and the lot. But, it’s time. It would be selfish of me to keep the treatments going and having you all suffer. I know it hurts you to see me this way, constantly in pain, and it kills me to know that I’m causing you to hurt. It’s selfish for me to want to stay. It’s my time.” Paul says softly. 

Harry stands up slowly, looking down at Paul with an uncertain face. He looks at all the tubes he’s hooked up to and it makes his stomach feel uneasy. He carefully leans down, minding the tubes, and gives his grandpa a hug. 

Paul wraps his arms around Harry so tight, gripping the back of Harry’s shirt with tight fists. Harry buries his face into his grandpa’s neck as they both start crying together. 

He backs away and stares at Paul. He’s only ever seen the man cry once when his grandma passed. He knew this was hurting him just as much as it was hurting Harry. And Harry, too, would be selfish to ask his grandpa to stay on the treatment. It would be selfish to ask him to continue suffering so that Harry can have him around a little longer. He knows it’s selfish, but, fuck, he wanted to ask him to stay on the treatment  _ so _ fucking bad. 

He doesn’t ask though. Paul has made up his mind. He has said his ‘goodbyes’ and Harry just has to accept that. He has to. 

They’re still staring at each other when Paul, bless him, smiles at Harry and tells him to sit back down. 

\--

They talk for hours on end. Anne and Gemma had come in a few times to check up on them and then left the room again knowing that they’d be talking for a while. 

It wasn’t until it was nearly one in the morning when Anne came in, eyes puffy and hooded, and asked if Harry wanted to just spend the night at the hospital. Of course, Harry agreed because there was still so much he wanted to say to Paul. Gemma had offered to come back in the morning to take Harry to school. 

They talk about anything and everything. They have casual banter and make absurd jokes and talk about memories and share stories from their past fishing trips and it was all just so nice. Harry was so at ease at that moment and, at times, even forgot about the situation they were in. 

It was a little past three when Paul finally said, “Alright, my boy, maybe we should get to sleep, hey?” 

Harry took in a deep breath and nodded. He walked over to the light switch and dimmed the lights. The nurses were kind enough to bring in an extra bed for Harry to sleep in. He sat on the bed, kicked off his shoes, and took off his sweater. He pulled the blanket back and sunk into the slightly uncomfortable bed. 

“Goodnight, Harry.” Paul spoke. 

“Goodnight, grandpa.” He replied. 

A few minutes go by as Harry lays there staring at the ceiling. He has so many thoughts racing around his head but one thought always manages to stick around longer than the rest. 

He remembers Gemma’s words:  _ “You’ve got to talk to him. You’ll regret it later if you don’t.”  _

He turns to his side, facing his grandpa though there was a good distance between their beds. He opens his mouth to speak but closes it again. 

Should he even bring this up? Is it even worth talking about? Is it even  _ true?  _ No, it’s definitely true. He knows that for sure. 

He stares into nothingness, letting his thoughts consume him as his vision blurs. 

How will he even react to something like this? Will he even accept it? Is he even awake? 

Harry looks up to his grandpa and they lock eyes. Paul chuckles and says, “You look like you’ve got something to say.” 

Harry gulps and immediately shakes his head with wide eyes. Paul notices the obvious distress, furrows his eyebrows, and calls him out on it. “Harry, you know you can talk to me about anything, don’t you?” 

“Y-yeah. I do.” 

“Good.” He nods, waiting for Harry to open up. “Go on then.” 

A few beats of silence pass as Harry tries to decide whether or not he wants to bring this up or not. 

_ You’ll regret it later if you don’t. _

He knows that, now that Paul is off of his treatment, he doesn’t have much time. Paul could be taken from him any day now and that fact not only kills Harry, but also makes him want to tell his grandpa everything. He’s Harry’s best friend. He  _ deserves _ to know. 

Without giving it a second thought, Harry speaks up. “Grandpa?” 

“Yes, my boy?” 

Harry gulps again for the hundredth time that night. He feels hot all over as anxiousness builds in his chest and stomach. 

“Grandpa, I-“ he starts, but cuts himself off, breathing out and biting the inside of his cheek. He shuts his eyes tight, trying to find the courage to continue. 

He takes in another breath, opens his eyes, and looks at Paul who has the softest face. Harry takes one look at him and his body relaxes. He can do this. 

_ “You are so brave and you can do this.” _

“Grandpa.” Harry starts again, making eye contact with Paul. He’s going to do this. He has to do this. It has to be tonight, right now. It has to be. He’s got nothing to lose at this point. 

One more breath in.

“Grandpa, I think I’m gay.”


	10. Chapter 10

“Grandpa, I think I’m gay.” Harry said slowly. He stared directly into his grandpa’s eyes which were staring right back at him almost like a deer in headlights.

He hasn’t said anything. They laid there, staring at each other, in silence. Harry was going to lose his fucking mind. 

He just came out. He literally just fucking came out. Why won’t Paul say anything? Fuck. He’s so fucked. His grandpa is going to fucking hate him now. Fuck. Fucking shit. Why did he think this was a good time to come out? Holy fuck, the anxiety is killing him. 

“Grandpa?” Harry says quietly. He felt so insignificant right now. He knew this was going to happen. He knew that no one was going to accept him and that he should have just kept this all to himself. 

But, the thing is, he’s so sure of himself. He knows that the way he feels about boys is way different than the way he feels about girls. And the problem was that these feelings weren’t new. He’s always had this weird feeling inside of him whenever he found a boy attractive. 

He was so fucking young and didn’t understand why he was feeling this way. And he’d watch movies and see all the boys pining after girls and vice versa and that only made him hate himself more. He thought something was wrong with him. And it never helped when people from school would say such derogatory things about gay people so casually and so openly. Harry sometimes laughed along awkwardly just so he could fly under the radar, so to speak. 

But, this was something he’s struggled with for a while. He’s never gotten close enough to a boy that has made him feel the same way that Louis does. And it fucking sucks because Louis is straight. Louis has a girlfriend. He is straight. And there’s nothing Harry can do to change that. Rather, there’s nothing Harry is willing to do to change that. Because he thinks doing that is just wrong. 

“Grandpa, please say something.” He pleads, voice cracking at the end of the sentence.

Fucking shit, he wants to crawl into a fucking hole and disappear. Why won’t he say something?

Harry averts his eyes. He’s just so embarrassed now. He knew this would happen. He just knew it and he fucked it all up anyways. He was going to turn over and just pretend this entire thing didn’t happen when Paul  _ finally  _ spoke. 

“Harry,” he sighed. “That’s alright, my boy.” 

“What?” Harry’s eyes widened at the response. It was definitely not what he was expecting to hear at all. 

“That’s okay. I’m so very proud of you.” Paul smiled. God, he looked so peaceful when he smiled. Just a radiating body of peacefulness. 

“Really?” Harry was in utter disbelief. He stared intently at his grandpa, trying to read his expression. Was he being serious? 

“Really. Come here, let me hold you.” 

Harry smiled and couldn’t help the tears building in his eyes. He climbed out of bed, the coldness of the floor seeping through his sock-clad feet, and hastily made his way to the man. 

He helped his grandpa sit up a bit before the man wrapped his arms around Harry. Harry followed the motion and held on as tightly as he could. 

“Harry, I’m so proud of you. You’re so brave, you know that?  _ So _ brave. I love you so much and I know I don’t say that enough but I love you and I’m so proud of you. Thank you for trusting me with this, you have no idea how much it means to me to know that you confide in me, my boy. Thank you for sharing this with me. I love you.” 

Fuck. 

_ Holy Fuck. _

This is everything Harry had dreamed to hear when he finally decided to come out. He never thought he would get this kind of response but it felt  _ so _ damn good. He felt  _ so _ damn good. 

“I love you, too. Thank you.” 

“‘Thank you’? For what?” 

“For being you. For being the way that you are. I want to be half the man that you are one day. You’re just- You’re amazing and I look up to you in so many ways, grandpa. Thank you so much, really, for everything.” 

“Harry, don’t start now. I’m going to get all emotional again.” His grandpa chuckled, but Harry continued. This man needed to know how amazing he truly was. 

“Thank you for always offering a shoulder and a set of ears. Thank you for the laughs, the trips, the advice. Thank you for all the music. I know this is a bit dark but, when you’re gone, I’ll still have the music. And the music will never die. And as long as I’m alive and well, I’ll listen to your songs. All of them. I’ll listen and I’ll think about you and I’ll share the music with the people that I love because they need to know how incredible you were. You  _ are _ .” Harry backed away to look at his grandpa whose eyes were getting filled with tears yet again. But, Harry still had something else to say. 

He reached for his grandpa’s hand and held it tightly. “Thank you for taking us in after dad left. I know that was hard for you and grandma.” He shuddered at the mention of his late grandmother, it was still a bit of a sore topic, but he continued. “Thank you for always treating me like I was your son. He never did that. So, thank you for being the father figure I always needed.” 

His grandpa smiled, squeezed his hand, and nodded. He was a bit choked up so a nod was all Harry was going to get, but that was more than enough. 

With an exchange of a few final words, Harry made his way back to bed. Now, he was determined to get some sleep because he was still planning on going to school in the morning. 

Just as he was falling in and out of consciousness, he heard his grandpa say something. 

“What was that?” He asked. 

“Can I ask you something?” Paul asked. 

Harry sat up on his elbow and looked in his grandpa’s direction. “Of course.” 

His grandpa paused for a moment before he gave Harry a knowing look. “Is there a special someone in your life?” He asked with a smug grin. 

Harry cleared his throat. He’s not really sure why, but he has this newfound confidence coursing through his veins. The acceptance and approval that he so desperately needed, he finally received. And he felt like nothing could stop him now. “Yeah, actually there is… We’re not together or anything, but I do fancy him.”

Paul hummed in acknowledgment, nodding knowingly. He paused for a moment before he gave Harry a smug grin and asked, “Is it that Louis fellow?”

Harry tensed up. Fuck, so he  _ did _ notice. Shit. Was he really that obvious? He rubs a hand down his face and sighs. “Am I really that obvious?” 

His grandpa chuckled lightly and shook his head. “No, not obvious. I’ve just never seen you behave that way with any of your other friends. Not with Niall and not with Liam. Not with Zayn, either.” 

A moment of silence fills the air as Harry laid back down and stared at the ceiling absentmindedly picking at his cuticles. His mind wandered around for a bit and he found himself thinking about how fascinating it was that Paul remembered the names of his friends, especially Zayn’s. He’d only met the lad twice and there weren’t many words exchanged between them given the reserved nature of both parties. 

“Are you going to tell him how you feel?” His grandpa suddenly asked. 

Harry snapped his head in Paul’s direction, his eyes wide as he said, “No!  _ No _ . I can’t do that... He’s- um. He’s straight. He’s got a girlfriend.” 

Paul nodded but didn’t say anything else regarding the issue. Instead, he steered away from the topic of Louis’ sexuality and asked, "Have you told anyone else?"

"No, I haven't. I've been trying to get my thoughts in order for so long and I'm afraid that everyone's going to treat me differently when they find out." Harry replied, his voice getting quieter by the time he finished. He turned to his grandpa and added, "Thank you for being so accepting."

Paul only nodded. Seeing as though Harry was being extremely open, he decided not to let the opportunity pass and asked,  “When did you know?”

“Like- Actually know?”

“Yes, when did you realize that you liked boys?” 

“Honestly? I-“ Harry gulped. He’s had a secret that he was so sure he was going to take to the grave. But, right now, he felt really comfortable with the idea of someone knowing. “Honestly, I’ve known for a really long time. I’ve known since I was a kid. Probably, like, second or third grade or some time around then. I don't know...” 

“I see.” His grandpa replied. A beat of silence passes as Harry musters up the courage to share his biggest secret. 

“I’ve got a skeleton in the closet. And- I just never thought I’d tell anyone this because I was-  _ am _ still very much embarrassed by it...” he chewed on his lip, meeting his grandpa’s comforting gaze, and continued. “When I was younger, I used to wish I was a girl just so I could like boys without it being ‘weird.’” 

He said it ever so quietly in hopes that no one, aside from his grandpa, could hear it. Even though the door was closed and it was just the two of them in that room, he was still so ashamed to admit it out loud. 

He wanted to be a girl so he could like boys without it being weird. How fucked up is that? 

“Harry, that’s not weird. Not at all. You can’t help who you love, my boy. And if you still feel like you want to be a girl, then that’s okay too. I hope you know that my perception of you would never have changed. You’d still be my boy. You’d still be the same Harry that I love.” 

God, this man. 

“You don’t know how much I needed to hear that. Thank you, grandpa.” 

Paul nods with a sincere smile before breaking into a coughing fit. Harry tensed and immediately sat up. Paul just waved him off with his hand. 

“Don’t worry. It’s probably the side effect of being off the treatment.” 

And,  _ oh _ . 

Surprisingly, Harry had forgotten all about that. And yet, hearing those words hit him like a fucking tsunami. All of the emotions and the sadness just crept back in and he felt like absolute shit all over again. 

His grandpa, his best friend, was going to be taken away from him. And soon. 

“Right- um...” he looks over at the clock on the wall and sees it’s nearing 4 am. “I should get some sleep, I’ve still got school tomorrow.” 

“Okay, goodnight, son.” Paul says, his voice hoarse.

Harry winces at the sound. “Goodnight.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Helloooo
> 
> I just wanted to say that I'm gonna try to get a lot of writing done this coming week since I've gotta write a 5 page final paper soon (ugh). I'll try to get as much of this story done as I can before then so that I can update it regularly 
> 
> With that, have a good read!  
>  (i promise the better parts will be coming soon just bear with me)

That next morning, Harry was woken up by Gemma at six in the morning. He was so exhausted. Having only slept two hours, he questioned if he should even go to school that day, but he knew he’d regret not going so he reluctantly climbed out of bed. 

Thankfully, Gemma had brought his toothbrush and a bottle of toothpaste and a change of clothes. She waited quietly in the room as Harry got ready in the bathroom. Paul was still asleep when Harry went in but by the time he came out Paul was awake and Gemma was by his side laughing. 

“Harry, why’d you keep him up until four?” She asked with a laugh. 

“What? I didn’t! He was talking t-“ 

“Quite the chatterbox, your brother.” Paul teased. “He wouldn’t let me get any shut-eye!” 

Harry rolled his eyes and groaned, knowing this was a lost fight. He sat on the bed and put his shoes on. He gathered his clothes and his backpack, gave his grandpa one last hug, and promised to be back later today. 

“No, Harry. Go home and get some rest after school.” Paul pleaded. 

“No chance. I’ll be here. I’ll do my homework here, I don’t mind at all.” Harry said with an assured tone. 

With that, he and Gemma left the hospital as Harry yawned a dozen times. 

—

Harry has completely forgotten about his phone’s existence. He had tossed it in his backpack just before he went to bed last night. He fished it out and wasn’t able to turn it on as it had died a long time ago. 

He went throughout the day without seeing any of the boys, which was completely normal. He apologized to his teachers for not having completed his homework for the evening and explained his situation. Given that he was an excellent student and never missed any assignments, they told him it was alright and that he could turn them in with tonight’s homework tomorrow. 

The day was long. He was so tired. But he’d never allow himself to fall asleep in class. 

Harry made his way to third period and immediately went to his teacher’s desk to explain why he hadn’t completed his assignment. Again, she was more than happy to accept it late. He sat down in his designated seat and began pulling out his class materials. 

Louis was on his way to his class and, as he was passing by Harry’s, he peered through the door’s window and saw the curly-haired lad and had to double take. He took a few steps back in order to look through the window again and then pulled out his phone. He had about a minute to get to class without being marked late so he decided not to make a fuss and continued his journey to class. 

He took a seat and pulled out his phone again. 

**Louis: nialler I just passed harrys class and he was in his seat**

**Niall: thank fuck. did you talk to him?**

**Louis: no I didn’t get the chance**

**Niall: no worries I’m seeing him next period. thanks lou**

**Louis: yup no problem**

Louis puts his phone away and just stares at the board. He was so happy Harry was alright but he was still pretty nervous about why he just suddenly disappeared and why he still hasn’t texted him back. 

—

When Niall got to fourth period, he was breathing heavy and a bit sweaty from how fast he was walking. He sees Harry and determinedly walks over to his seat just next to Harry. 

“Harry,” Niall breathed out heavily. 

Harry looked up, meeting Niall’s frantic eyes. “Hey- what’s wrong?” 

Niall was a little confused.  _ What’s wrong? _ “You disappeared yesterday. And you weren’t picking up your phone or texting back- We were all worried something happened.” 

Harry averted his eyes and stared at the textbook on his desk. He didn’t think the boys would have noticed his absence. He looked back at Niall who had now taken his seat. 

“Can we- um. Can we talk about it later?” Harry asked shyly. “I just- I don’t really want to talk about it right now.” He added as he looked around at all of their classmates slowly trickling in and taking their seats. 

Niall looked around as well and then looked back at Harry. He nodded frantically and said, “Yeah- okay. That’s fine, yeah.” 

And with that, the subject was dropped. Niall didn’t bring it up again seeing as though Harry wasn’t comfortable discussing it at this scene. He respected that and gave Harry his space. 

—

As the bell rings, Harry and Niall start packing up their belongings and, once he has everything packed neatly in his backpack, Harry starts making his way out of the classroom, leaving Niall behind. 

Niall looked up from his backpack and saw Harry was gone. He looked around and saw the back of Harry’s head leaving the classroom and quickly stood up and chased after him. 

He placed a hand on Harry’s shoulder and said, “Hey- Why didn’t you wait up?” 

“I’m actually going to be in the library today. I need to go talk to the rest of my teachers so I can catch up on the homework I missed yesterday.” Harry replied nonchalantly. 

“Oh. Alright. Do you want company then?” Niall offered. 

“Not really, Niall. I just- I want to be alone for a bit so I can focus and get everything done. I’ve got somewhere to be after school.” 

“Yeah, okay. That’s cool.” Niall replied. There was definitely something Harry wasn’t telling him and it was making Niall’s skin crawl. He let go of Harry’s shoulder and gave him a small smile. 

Just as Harry was going to continue his journey to the library, Niall spoke up. “Harry,” 

Harry turned back around. Niall noticed how dull and empty his eyes looked and he knew- he just knew- there was something really wrong. 

“I just want to remind you that I care about you, okay? I’m worried about you. Please reach out if you need to talk about anything, mate.” 

Harry gave him a small smile, though it never reached his eyes. He nodded and thanked Niall before he started walking again, leaving Niall standing there in the hallway with so many thoughts running through his head. 

—

“Where’s Harry?” Liam asked just as Zayn sat down at the table. Usually, Niall and Harry show up together considering they share the same fourth period and Niall has texted Liam and Zayn reassuring them that Harry was at school that day. 

“He said he was going to catch up on his homework. He’s in the library.” Niall informed, taking a seat and pulling a sandwich out of his backpack. “I offered to join him but he said he wanted to be alone. I don’t know, I’m sort of worried about him. I mean- He’s a very reserved guy but, like, he’s never shut me out like this.” 

Louis was having none of that. He needed to see Harry and make sure he was okay. Without a word, he grabbed his lunch (two bags of crisps and a bottle of water) and stood up. 

“See you, lads.” He said. 

“Where are you off to?” Zayn questioned, his eyebrows knitted together. 

Louis didn’t respond. He left, just like that. He just didn’t want Harry to be alone considering there was something obviously wrong. Harry shouldn’t be alone. 

He made the short walk over to the library and began his search for Harry, looking left and right, through every aisle of books and at the various students sitting at desks and using the computers. He goes upstairs and, to his luck, spots Harry sitting alone at a table in the corner of the library. 

He walks over slowly, pulls out the chair across from Harry, and takes a seat. Harry’s eyes flick up and his eyebrows shoot up when he sees Louis sitting there. 

“Hey,” Harry says quietly. 

“Hi.” Louis replies. He pulls out the crisps and water from his backpack and places them on the table before he pulls out one of his notebooks and a pen. “Don’t want to bother you, mate, just wanted to keep you company, is all.” 

Harry smiles and nods. He watches as Louis opens one of the crisps and places it back on the table pointing it in Harry’s direction. He opens the other one and fishes a few crisps out and stuffs them into his mouth. 

Harry eyes the crisps and mutters out a shy ‘thank you’ to which Louis nods. He grabs his pen and starts drawing random shapes on the paper as Harry goes back to his work, occasionally eating a crisp. 

— 

After school, Louis, Niall, and Harry file into Louis’ car. Harry sat in the backseat and Louis eyed him every now and then through the rear view mirror. They dropped Niall off and, much to Louis’ surprise, Harry didn’t move up front as he usually would. 

Louis didn’t question it. He let it be even though it bothered him. He kept stealing glances at Harry who was just staring out of the window the entire drive. 

“Harry, you alright?” He finally asks. He just couldn’t ignore it anymore. He tried so hard but he had to know what was going on. 

“What? Y-yeah.” Harry stammered, looking in Louis’ direction. 

“Please don’t lie to me, Harry.” Louis said quietly. Their eyes meet in the rear view mirror. Harry is the first to look away, fixing his eyes on the passing cars and houses. 

“I don’t want to lie to you, but it’s just not easy to talk about it right now.” 

Louis deflates. He doesn’t want to make Harry uncomfortable nor does he want to force Harry to talk. So, he just sighs and nods. “You’ll tell me when you’re ready to talk about it, right?” 

Harry doesn’t answer right away and he doesn’t make eye contact with Louis either. God, Louis wants to fucking scream out in frustration. 

They pull up to Harry’s house and just before Harry can leave, Louis asks again, “Harry, you’ll tell me when you’re ready to talk about it,  _ right? _ ” 

Harry finally looks at Louis with those same dull eyes that had met Niall’s earlier that day. He gives a small nod and says, “Yeah.” 

Louis watches as Harry slowly walks up the steps to his porch and goes inside his home. He debates on whether he should go and spend more time with Harry, maybe keep him busy since it seems like he’s being completely consumed by his thoughts. He decides against it. Clearly Harry wants to be alone right now and Louis is in no position to pester him, especially when he doesn’t even want to discuss what’s bothering him. 

So, Louis drives home unsure if he has made the right decision or not.


	12. Chapter 12

The following week, Harry spent lunch with the boys at their table. But, instead of being part of the conversations, he would either be working on his homework that he’d been assigned just a few hours ago or he’d have his earphones in, completely zoning out. 

Niall couldn’t take it anymore. He wanted to yank those fucking earphones out of Harry’s ears and scream and fucking shout and beg Harry to talk to them. He just couldn’t fucking take it. 

He’d even texted Gemma asking if everything was alright and all she said was that she doesn’t want to intrude on Harry’s privacy and that they should wait until Harry is ready to talk about it and all the bullshit that Niall did not want to hear. 

They were all so fucking worried about Harry. They would text each other in their group-chat about how they could get through to Harry and hopefully get him to communicate, but everything they tried consistently failed. 

This was affecting Niall and Louis the most. Niall for all the right reasons, but Louis was unsure as to why he cared so much about the lad. There was just something about Harry. It was hard to see him so closed off and, honestly, Louis missed his voice. Even though they rarely got to hear it, considering there are four boys he’d have to talk over, he just missed hearing his voice. He missed receiving random, silly texts from Harry and missed all of his stupid jokes and his smile and... He just missed Harry. He wasn’t the same. 

He would offer to stop by Harry’s, as he used to do, and keep him company while he did his homework but Harry always used the same fucking excuse: “Sorry, I’ve got somewhere to be after school.” 

And he would never explain where he was going. But, of course, Louis would stop by at the bakery to see if ‘somewhere to be’ was at work. It never was. 

He would vent about the situation to Michelle who always listened but, as of late, he could tell she was getting a bit annoyed with Louis’ bitching and moaning and all the talk about Harry. She obviously didn’t understand what the problem was with Harry being a little distant. But, Louis just wasn’t used to that at all. 

Harry and Louis had grown pretty close. Harry confided in Louis and Louis took pride in the fact that Harry trusted him. And Louis cared so fucking much about the boy. He just wanted to hug Harry until Harry wasn’t hurting anymore. 

He doesn’t know about everything Harry has been through in his life, but he knows how much those situations have affected him and his trust in people. And, fuck, he just loves the guy. He just wants the best for him and just misses his smile. 

Harry hasn’t smiled at all that week. At least, not when he’s with the boys. And, of course, they’ve all noticed. Even if Harry wouldn’t contribute to the conversations, he’d always listen and laugh along. And they all missed his presence. He was there, but he wasn’t. 

He's gone to the hospital every day that week. He would finish up his homework at home and then he and Gemma would go to the hospital together to spend time with Paul. And at first everything was fine. They’d laugh and enjoy the moments spent together. But, now? They both could see how much being off of the treatment was affecting him. 

Harry was watching him slowly worsen every day and he didn’t know how to help.

His mom would tell him to just try and ignore the coughing fits and his shortness of breath, but it was hard. It was so hard to watch him wince after he coughed hard a few too many times. It was hard to watch him double over and clutch his stomach when he’d get sudden cramps. It was hard to watch him slowly fall asleep while someone was talking to him. It was hard to ignore all of the changes.

— 

On Thursday evening, he hugged his grandpa goodbye and promised to be back the next day after school. 

“Bye, grandpa. Be good, yeah? Don’t forget to drink water.” 

“Alright, doc, I won’t forget.” Paul teased. 

Harry giggled and grabbed Paul’s hand and placed a kiss on the back of it and said, “Till tomorrow then.” 

“Okay, my boy. Till tomorrow.” 

“Love you, grandpa. Have a good rest.” 

“You as well, Harry. I love you, too.” 

And with that, Harry met with Gemma in the lobby and they made their way home. 

The next day, Friday, went on the same as the previous days. He went to school, worked on most of his homework during lunch, and got a ride home from Louis. 

Today was a little different though. Gemma had class today so Harry had to wait for Anne to get home so they could go to the hospital together. 

He had just finished his homework for the day when he heard the front door open and close. He packed up his notebooks and various pens and tossed his backpack on the floor beside his desk. He put on his shoes and grabbed his phone. He opened his door and was met with his mum already standing there with her fist in the air as she was about to knock on his door. 

“Hey, mum,” he gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Ready to go?” He asked. 

“Um-“ 

“Oh, wait- let me grab a sweater.” Harry said as he walked towards his closet. 

“Harry.” His mum said. 

Harry turned around and faced Anne who was staring at the floor. 

“Harry, love, please sit down for a second.” She said quietly, her voice sounding defeated. 

“What?” 

“Take a seat.” 

He slowly walked backwards until the back of his legs hit his bed. He sat down slowly, all the while maintaining eye contact with his mum. 

He knew what she was going to say. He fucking knew it. He knew what was coming but he just didn’t want to hear her say it. He watched Anne walk over to him and sit beside him. He looked away from her and fixed his eyes on the wall ahead of him. 

“Harry,” she started. She took one of his hands and engulfed it with both of hers. “He passed a few hours ago.” 

He clenched his jaw from hearing those dreaded words. He didn’t know how to react. He just- he felt completely numb. He started fervently shaking his head and repeated ‘no, no, no’ over and over until Anne wrapped her arms around him and tried to get him to calm down. 

“I’m sorry, Harry.” She said through sobs. 

They cried together. She held him as they cried together and, when she finally let go, he turned to her, eyes filled with tears and eyebrows curved upwards, lips trembling as he muttered out, “M-mummy,” and broke out into loud sobs. 

He laid back and pressed down on his eyes with his palms. He pressed down until they started to hurt, but he couldn’t care about the pain. His heart felt hollow and his body felt limp. 

He flipped over on his stomach, hiding his face in his arms as he continued to sob. His mum pleaded for Harry to sit up and talk to her but was unsuccessful in her attempts. 

Harry wanted to crawl into a hole and fucking die. He had never felt so small. He felt like the world had stopped and, right now, nothing mattered to him other than the fact that he just lost his best fucking friend. 

His mum comforted him to the best of her abilities for nearly thirty minutes until Harry requested to be alone. She was so worried about him and almost didn’t want to leave him alone, but she knew how hard this was for him. He’d never experienced anything like this. He’s never lost someone, let alone someone that was as close to him as Paul was. 

Once she left the room and closed the door behind her, he crawled under his blankets and continued crying. He promised his grandpa that he would come back to see him today and he fucking didn’t. Fuck, he felt like absolute shit. He felt so guilty. He didn’t help him. He didn’t try hard enough. He didn’t spend enough time with him. He didn’t try hard enough. He wanted to fucking disappear. Just disintegrate into nothingness and pretend he never even existed. 

—

When Gemma got home from her classes, she received the news and immediately went to Harry’s room. Without knocking, she opened the door to find a shaking lump hidden underneath the covers. All she could hear were quiet sobs as she walked towards his bed. 

“Harry?” She questioned softly. “Harry, please come out from under there.” 

Harry froze underneath those covers. Gemma had the urge to just tug the covers off and expose Harry, but she knew that would just scare him off. So she waited. 

“Harry, please.” She said. She was so fucking desperate. She just needed to hold him and reassure him. See, she was more in control with her emotions. She was very stoic and some people thought she was a cold person because of that. 

She sighed and sat down on the bed. Harry felt the bed sink by his feet. His crying stopped for a moment as he waited to hear what she had to say. 

She stayed silent as she tried to gather her thoughts. On one hand, she really wanted to fucking cry because she was so upset with the loss of her grandpa but, on the other hand, she knew that Harry needed all the support and comfort she could offer right now. 

“Harry?” She tried again.

Harry sniffled and cleared his throat. “Yeah?” He replied quietly. 

He slowly poked his head out from underneath the covers and looked at Gemma. Gemma hadn’t noticed his movements and Harry took note of how broken she looked. He’d never seen her like that and it filled him with such a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach. 

In that moment, he realized that he wasn’t the only one hurt from the loss. Why didn’t he realize that before? It’s so fucking obvious? The world doesn’t revolve around him, for fuck’s sake. 

He sat up and pulled the covers off. He used the back of his hand to wipe his runny nose and then he noticed that Gemma was crying. 

“Gem-” 

“I’m sorry, Harry, I really am.” 

“No.” Harry said before he took her into his arms. And then, they cried. They fucking sobbed. This man meant so much to the both of them. They both considered him their father and it was just hard to watch him suffer for months on end and not be able to help. 

Gemma gently pushed Harry away before turning to face him. 

“Harry, can you promise me something?”

“Of course.”

“Promise me that you’ll stop shutting your friends out.”

Harry was taken aback by the request. “What?”

“Promise me, Harry.”

“I’m not-”

“I know that you are.” She sighed and shut her eyes. “Look, Niall has been constantly texting me and asking if you’re okay. I haven’t told him anything because obviously you didn’t want him to know. He’s your best friend, Harry, and you need him now more than ever and you and I both know how much he cares about you. Hell, all of your friends care so much about you. It’s evident. Please, don’t shut them out. Not now.”

Harry wanted to talk to the boys. He so desperately wanted to reach out and ask for help, but a small voice in his head wasn’t letting him. It was convincing him that he’d be too much of a burden if he’d ask for help. And, fuck, he didn’t want to trouble them in any way. 

“I don’t- I don’t know if I can talk about it yet. I don’t know if I can tell him.” He replied, playing with his fingers. 

“I know it’s hard, Harry. But it’s good to vent. It’s good to unscrew the cap every now and then.” 

Harry didn’t reply. He just nodded in acknowledgement with no intention to actually discuss the issue with Niall any time soon. 

They sat in silence, lost in thought. Their mum had already gone to bed and Gemma was so tired from being at her classes all day. She placed her hand on Harry’s knee and said, “Get some sleep, Harry.” 

He nodded. “You too... Um- thanks for, like, not telling Niall yet. I’ll tell him, I promise. I just- not yet. I’m not ready yet.” 

She wrapped her arm around his shoulder and placed a kiss to the side of his head. “Take your time,” she says as she gets up and walks over to the door. She turns around and adds, “Goodnight, Harry. I love you, alright?” 

Harry nods again, a half-smile forming on his face. “I love you, too. Goodnight.” 

—

He woke up that next morning and the first thing he did was just lay on his back staring at the ceiling. 

Maybe he had just had a nightmare last night? Maybe none of it was real? 

He slowly climbed out of bed and left his bedroom. He glanced at the clock on the wall and saw it was just past one in the afternoon and he was shocked. He usually woke up so early. 

As he walks down the stairs, he notices a few boxes laying around the living room. He slows down his steps as he sees his mum standing by the front door which was left open. He watched as a man came in with another box and placed it next to the others. 

“Mum?” Harry called out. 

Anne turned around and slowly walked towards him. Immediately, he noticed how puffy her eyes were and how tired she looked. He took the final steps down and gave his mum a tight hug. 

“What are all of these boxes?” He asked. 

“They’re grandpa’s stuff. We’re clearing out his home.” She said slowly. 

Harry took in a sharp breath and let it out slowly. He gulped and nodded. They watched as a few more boxes were left in the living room until the men finally left. Harry walked over to one of the boxes and slowly opened up only to see neatly folded clothing. He opened another and found a bunch of random items. 

Anne walked over to him and put her hand on his shoulder. He turned his head as she said, “Harry, grandpa wanted me to give you something.” 

Harry turned fully around. He was so nervous. He watched her walk into the kitchen and return in a matter of seconds. She held her hand out revealing a set of car keys. 

Harry was perplexed. He stared a bit longer at the keys as he started to recognize them. They were his grandpa’s car keys. He looked up in disbelief at his mum. 

“He knew you’d been saving up for a while now and said he really wanted you to have it. I know it’s probably not the car you’d prefer but-“ 

“It’s more than enough, mum. Really.” Harry immediately reassured. He carefully took the keys from her hand and stared at them. He couldn’t help the tears building in his eyes. He was going to cherish that fucking car for as long as it ran properly, even if it was well over ten years old. “He’s something, isn’t he?” Harry shook his head in disbelief. 

“He is.” Anne said with a proud smile. 

—

It had been two days since his grandpa’s passing and everything was a fucking reminder. Every. Little. Thing. 

He’d been receiving texts from Niall every so often and even those were a reminder. A reminder of what a shitty friend he was being by shutting them all out. But he just couldn’t find the strength to address the issue. He was a fucking coward. 

He walked down the stairs Sunday morning only to see that his mum had started unpacking all of those boxes. Neither Anne nor Gemma were home at the moment and that just made everything worse. Because, at least when they were around, he would talk to them and it would be a distraction from all of the reminders. 

He cautiously walked over to the coffee table which had a few photo albums laying atop it. He opened one and carefully flipped through the pages of photos. He sees numerous photos of his grandpa and grandma, a few of Gemma, some of his mum, and then, he sees the picture they took when Paul had taken Harry on his first fishing trip. 

He pulls the photo out it of its plastic sleeve and leans back on the couch as he assesses the photo. He remembers that day so vividly. He was just seven years old when Paul asked him if he’d want to try his hand at fishing. Harry was willing to do anything as long as he’d be spending time with his grandpa. Paul would cast the line for Harry and Harry would impatiently bounce around hoping a fish would bite his line. 

And, no matter how many times Harry got his hook caught in between rocks and his line snapped, Paul was always so patient and reassuring. Always saying, “It’s alright, my boy. I’ll fix it for you, it’s not a problem.” 

_ My boy.  _

Harry rested his elbows on his knees and hung his head. With the picture still held in his hand, he started shaking. “No. I can’t do this.” He said to himself. “I have to get out of here. I have to- I can’t do this.” 

He quickly got up, photo still in hand, as he quickly made his way upstairs, wiping his nose with the sleeve of his sweater. 

He grabbed a small duffel bag from his closet and began stuffing it with clothing. He threw his arm under his bed searching for the shoebox that he kept all of the money he’s been saving in. He grabbed his toothbrush and some extra socks and pants and then he grabbed his phone and stuffed it into his pocket and, as he was about to leave his bedroom, duffel bag in hand, he looked at his desk. 

He dropped the bag and sat down at the desk. Ripping out a page from his notebook and grabbing a pen, he wrote: 

_ Mum,  _

_ I’m sorry but I just can’t stay here. I just can’t. Everything reminds me of him and it just hurts too much to be here right now. _

_ Please, don’t come looking for me. I’ll most likely be staying at a motel or something. I have money that I’ve been saving up and I should be okay. I promise I’ll be safe and I promise to call you everyday. And I promise to get all of the assignments I miss turned in when I get back.  _

_ I’ll be back before the funeral, I promise. I’m really sorry, mum, but I just need some time alone. I hope you understand. _

_ Love,  _ _ Harry  _

He sent a text to his manager explaining the situation and requested a few days off. His manager was always a very understanding person and told Harry to take as much time off as he needed. He was so thankful for that.

He grabbed the letter and his bag and made his way into the kitchen. He grabbed his car keys and went to leave the note on the dining table when he noticed something on the table. 

It was his grandpa’s tackle box. He froze. He just stared at that box and at the piece of paper propped up against it with ‘Harry’ written on it. 

He walked over to the tackle box and opened it. It was left exactly the way he had remembered it the last time. Not a single lure missing. Without any further hesitation, he grabs the tackle box, leaves the note for his mum on the table, and makes his way into the garage. He grabs his fishing pole, the one that Paul had gifted him when he turned 16, and went to the car. 

He packed his things into the car and quickly sat in the driver’s seat. He sat there for a moment. Is this the right thing to do? He knows he’s running away from his problems, as he so often does, but, right now, he’s not in the right state of mind to make clear decisions. 

He puts the key in the ignition and starts the car. He shifts into reverse, backs out of the driveway, and drives off.


	13. Chapter 13

Harry drove around all night. He doesn’t know where he is exactly but he couldn’t care less. He passed by a small diner, which had a sign that read ‘open 24 hours,’ and made a mental note of its presence as he pulled into the parking lot of a decent looking motel. 

He booked a room for the night and brought his bag in. After closing the door behind him, he dropped the bag to the floor and sat on the edge of the queen sized bed. 

He looked at the T.V. screen, which was switched off, and just stared at his reflection. He’s not sure how long he was staring at himself but his phone buzzed in his pocket for the billionth time that day and it snapped him back into reality. 

He had nearly fifty missed calls from his mum and Gemma and a shit ton of texts from the boys, especially Niall. 

Anne had called Niall asking if he knew where Harry had gone or if he had mentioned anything to Niall, but Niall was just as surprised to hear about Harry’s impulsive decision as Anne was. Of course, Niall asked the boys if they had heard from Harry or if they knew his whereabouts and  _ of fucking course _ no one had a clue where Harry was. 

Harry couldn’t sleep that night. He tossed and he turned and he cursed and he cried and he fucking loathed himself. At about four in the morning, Harry hastily got out of bed, put on the same clothes, and made his way out of the room. He got in his car and drove to that diner. 

Upon his arrival, he saw only three other people sitting and eating alone. He sat in a booth by a window as a waitress approached him. 

“Hey, honey. What can I get for you?” She asked, pulling out a pen and notepad. 

He really had no appetite. He hadn’t eaten much the past few days but he just couldn’t bring himself to eat anything. 

“Just a cup of coffee, please.” He replied, staring straight ahead at the seat across from him, his fingers knitted together atop the table. 

Everything in his mind was so fuzzy. He kept losing track of time and couldn’t account for most of the day. He thought that leaving the house would help but, in truth, it was much the same. There were still reminders of Paul in almost everything Harry saw or heard. 

It was killing him. 

Even the soft rock song playing in that fucking diner reminded him of Paul. He remembers when they were sitting at a restaurant together when this song started playing. 

“Hm. This song is catchy. I have to remember to burn it on a disk.” Paul had said. 

Fuck.

Why does this always happen? Why does the universe always manage to take people away from him? Why must it have taken his best friend from him so early? Why did it- 

“Here you go.” 

Harry lightly flinched at the sudden intrusion of his thoughts. He watched as the waitress placed a mug on the table and filled it up with steaming coffee. She left a cup of cream and some sugar on the table as well. Harry thanked her before she walked away. 

— 

It was 6 am and Harry was on his 9th cup of coffee. He still felt like shit, though. He was exhausted but he knew that the moment he laid in bed he would be restless. 

He put some cash on the table to compensate for the generous amount of coffee he consumed and left a little extra for the waitress. 

He sat in the car debating on where he should go next. Where could he go to distract himself? 

This was a bad idea. He knew it was a bad idea, but he went back to the motel, grabbed his belongings, and drove to the nearest tackle shop. He bought some bloodworms and asked the cashier where the nearest lake was.

It may have not been the best idea to go fishing right now, considering that hobby was exclusive to Harry and Paul, but it was therapeutic for him. He thought that since it has helped him relax before then maybe it will serve those same properties again. 

And it did... for a short while. He only caught three fish in the span of six hours. He didn’t keep any of them. He threw them back.  _ They deserve to live _ , he thought. 

Here was another bad idea: he decided to go to his grandpa’s house. 

—

A few days go by as Harry has been bouncing around from city to city, motel to motel. He kept his promise and called Anne every night through a payphone. His phone had died while he was fishing that first day and, surprise, surprise, he didn’t bring a charger with him.

In all honesty, he deliberately left his charger at home. He knew that the boys were just going to constantly keep calling and texting him and he just didn’t want to deal with that.

He’d talk to his mom for about 20 minutes each time but wouldn’t tell her where he was. She would speak to him very cautiously so as to not scare him away. 

She begged for him to come home during their first two phone calls, but Harry was having none of that. 

“I can’t, mum. Not yet.” 

“When, Harry?” 

“Soon. I promise... When is the funeral?” 

“This coming Sunday. You’ll be here won’t you? I won’t have the service if you’re not here.” 

“I’ll be there, mum. I’ll be there.” 

While Harry was out trying to distract himself, Louis was an absolute fucking mess. 

On Monday when Harry didn’t show up at school, the boys stressed out together. They sat quietly at their table biting and picking at their fingernails. On Tuesday, the nerves heightened. When Wednesday came around, Louis took it upon himself to visit Harry’s teachers and inform them that Harry wasn’t feeling well and that he’d asked if Louis could gather his assignments so he could complete them and turn them in via Louis. 

So, that’s how Louis found himself trying to finish not only his homework, but also Harry’s homework and, fuck, Harry just  _ had _ to be taking A.P. courses. How convenient!

On Thursday night, he was sitting at the edge of his bed, a lit cigarette between his fingers as Michelle crawled behind him, slid her arms around his neck, and placed her palms on his chest. She then started kissing his neck. 

Louis was just so fucking stressed. Everything was pissing him off lately. The fact that he was taking on an extra workload partnered with the fact that he has no idea where the fuck Harry was or if he was even  _ alive _ at this point was constantly leaving him on edge. 

He shrugged Michelle off and said, “Not tonight.” He took a long drag of his cigarette as she huffed in annoyance and pulled away from him. 

“Honestly, you’re so fucking annoying, Louis.” She spat. He turned his head to the side to let her know that he was listening. “You’ve been so distant for the past few weeks and I’m starting to think that you don’t even care about me anymore.” 

He sighed, putting out his cigarette in an ashtray and turned to her. “I’m just exhausted. I’ve been having to do a lot more homework than I’m normally used to and I’m still waiting to hear back from universities and I’ve got no idea where Harry is and-“ 

“Harry.” She interjects. “You always talk about Harry. Harry this, Harry that. I swear, it’s like he’s your proper boyfriend or summat. Why do you care so much about him?” She asked with a suspicious tone. 

“What? Because he’s one of my best fucking friends? And he’s clearly going through something right now. Obviously I’m going to be worried about him when he hasn’t been picking up his phone for the past five days.” 

“Okay, and?” 

“And?”

“Yeah,  _ and _ ? He’s a big boy. I’m sure he can take care of himself.” 

Louis was enraged. He was so fucking enraged. He wanted to grab the nearest object and fucking chuck it at the wall. 

“Fuck off, yeah? Just- fuck off.” He said through gritted teeth, turning away from her. “Get the fuck out of here before I do or say something I’m going to regret later.” 

He felt the bed move and then saw Michelle grabbing her backpack through his peripherals.

“I’m going home. I’m tired of being with you when all you do is sulk.” She said harshly. 

“Cool.” 

“Cool.” She repeated. “And, Louis?” 

He turned to face her with absolutely no emotion displayed on his face whatsoever. 

“I’m done. We’re done here. I can’t handle this anymore. It feels like a chore being with you at this point and I just can’t do it anymore.” She said as she shook her head. 

Honestly, Louis knew that he should be more hurt when he heard those words but he just couldn’t bring himself to care, really. 

He did feel bad, though, for Michelle. She was a very nice girl and treated Louis very well. But, there’s been two months of contemplation about ending the relationship. Louis had lost interest in her a long time ago but kept her around because he was having some thoughts flying around his head for a while. 

He kept her around because he was starting to see Harry in a different kind of light. He couldn’t deny the feelings he was carrying around for Harry. And he used Michelle as a distraction from those feelings. 

Louis wasn’t gay. Or- at least he didn’t think he was. He’s always liked girls, but there was just something about Harry that drew Louis in. And some days it was harder to ignore the thoughts about him. 

His soft, curly hair, that was starting to pool at his shoulders, and those bright green eyes. His smile.  _ His smile _ . That dimple?  _ Fuck _ . 

He was definitely infatuated with Harry and it was getting much harder to ignore it now. Especially when Harry was being so distant. It was literally hurting Louis’ heart and all he wanted to do was help Harry and hold him and reassure him and fill him with hope and love and- fuck. This is bad. This is so bad. 

He gave her a sympathetic look, but he was still a bit pissed off at how insensitive she was being regarding Harry’s situation. “I’m sorry you feel that way.” He said softly. “I’m sorry for pushing you away. But I won’t stop you if you want to end our relationship.” He stood up slowly and walked towards her. “I’ll walk you out.” He said. 

When they made it to the front door, Louis wished her well, but she didn’t reciprocate the wish. Instead, she stormed off of his porch. Louis didn’t wait for her to drive off before closing the door. He still had some homework to do. Fuck, Harry is going to be the death of him. 

— 

While Louis was breaking up with his girlfriend, Harry was doing something that was completely out of character. 

He had gone back to his grandpa’s house for the third night in a row. Thankfully, most of the furniture was still there, so he slept on the couch every night. 

This night was different, though. He knew that being in this home was defeating the purpose of his hopes for distractions, but he just couldn’t stay away. He cried every night. But tonight was the worst night of them all. 

He was wandering around the house, taking in every detail of every inch of the place until he found a liquor cabinet in the garage and slowly made his way towards it. 

His fingers ghosted over the various bottles. He’d never drank before, but something drew him to that liquor cabinet. His fingers lingered on a bottle of whiskey which he ended up grabbing. 

He drank that night. He drank until he passed out on the couch. He was a crying mess the entire night. The alcohol did him no justice. It started off okay, though. He drank to the point of being buzzed, which he recalls being sort of fun. 

But then he drank more to chase that buzz and, the more he drank, the more he thought about his grandpa. So he’d drink more hoping he would black out and just fucking forget everything for once. Eventually, he did. 

He blacked out to the point where, when he woke up the next afternoon, he doesn’t remember what happened to the shattered glass and spilt drink on the floor. He felt like absolute shit that afternoon. He shuffled around on that couch trying to sleep as much as he could. 

Well, the raging migraine he had was a pretty good distraction. God, he was so fucking stupid. 

Why can’t he just forget everything? Why can’t he just be a stronger person and just fucking forget? 

He pulled at his hair. Maybe he should go back home today. He did promise he’d be back in time for the funeral. Maybe isolating himself wasn’t the smartest idea. Maybe he should stop at a corner store and buy some Advil. 

—

Harry made it back home that evening. He hadn’t called Anne last night so she wasn’t expecting him to come home so, when she saw him, she cried and pulled him into a tight hug. 

Harry hadn’t showered in a week. He was wearing the same clothes that he left with even though he had fresh, clean clothes in his bag. He lost sight of himself and didn’t care about anything, much less his personal hygiene. 

He knew he looked like shit. And probably smelled of it too. His hair was greasy and his skin was clammy, his eyes were swollen and bloodshot from all of the crying, and his migraine was still present. Yet, for some reason, he still thought about the drinks he had. 

He thought about the way that they made him forget everything. Even if it was short lived, he wasn’t reminded of his harsh reality in that moment. He wanted that feeling again. 

He took a long shower that night, per Anne’s request, and  _ finally _ put his phone on charge. Now, that doesn’t mean he actually ended up using it. 

He was drying his hair with a towel when he thought about all of the homework he is going to have to do to catch up with what he missed. Needless to say, Harry had some regrets. But, he was at the point of carelessness. He knew he should be more worried about everything he’s going to have to face tomorrow regarding his assignments and even the boys, but he just had no energy left to care about anything, really. 

And, that alone, scared the fuck out of him.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The good stuff's coming, I promise!  
> be patient :)

Harry goes to school the next day. He wishes he hadn’t, though, because the moment he stepped out of the car, he instantly regretted showing up. Everyone was staring at him.  It was understandable, though. He knew he looked like shit. His hair wasn’t tamed and his eyes were still incredibly swollen and he looked a few pounds thinner. Not only that, but he hadn’t shown up for a few days in a row. 

As he walked down the hall, he tried to ignore all of the little whispers and all of the looks people were giving him but it was all just too much. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and fished his earphones out of his backpack. He ignored all of the notifications on his phone and went straight for his music library. 

Throughout the day, he apologized to his teachers for his excessive absences and asked if he could have his assignments but, much to his surprise, they all said that he didn’t have anything due. He’d missed all those days of school and somehow he wasn’t missing any assignments? It was weird, but he didn’t think much of it. Truthfully, that put him more at ease. 

Louis was walking down the hall on his way to third period and, without missing a beat, he peered into that window on Harry’s class’ door to see if the lad would be in his chair. Louis knew he wasn’t going to be there. He asked himself why he even bothered to check when Harry hasn’t been around for nearly a week and wasn’t texting them back. 

But, he looked inside anyways and when he saw that absolute mess of curls sitting there, looking down at his desk, Louis’ eyes widened and his mouth gaped. 

He walked up to the window and got as close as he could. Seeing Harry sitting there filled him with so many emotions. He felt happy, excited, relieved, and.... angry? He saw Harry peering down at his phone, his thumb sliding up and down across the screen. 

So, Harry’s fucking ignoring them, huh? All of this worry and this panic and Harry is just so fucking nonchalant about it, yeah? Louis clenched his jaw. He was so fucking pissed off. 

He didn’t even make his presence known to Harry. He just walked off, pulling out his phone and shooting a text to Niall notifying him of Harry’s attendance.

Louis spent the next two periods on edge. His leg kept incessantly tapping on the floor. A few of his classmates even asked him to cut it out. He had so much built up frustration from the past few days and was almost afraid to confront Harry because he knew he was going to blow up the moment they met. 

Meanwhile, Niall rushed to his fourth period class after getting word of Harry’s presence in school. He walked into the class and watched as Harry slowly took his seat. He quickly made his way over and cautiously put a hand on Harry’s shoulder. Harry quickly turned his head and locked eyes with Niall. 

“Hey.” Niall breathed out. His chest felt tight and he had so many questions but knew he should take it slow right now. He took note of Harry’s drastic appearance and that only made him tense up more. 

Harry, on the other hand, was so happy to see Niall. He actually had a hint of a smile on his face as he stood up from his seat and wrapped his arms tightly around Niall. Niall followed suit as his chest continued to rise and fall at a rapid pace. 

“Hi.” Harry said into Niall’s shoulder. Niall hugged him tighter and Harry’s eyes welled up with tears. Niall had his eyes closed, clutching Harry because he was afraid that, if he let go, Harry would disappear again. 

“I was so worried about you.” Niall said. He pulled away and immediately noticed how many people were staring at them. He leaned closer to Harry and, with a low tone, asked, “Is everything okay?” 

Harry looked down at the floor and shook his head. “I’d rather not talk about it now.” He said as he gave Niall a pleading look. “I promise I’ll tell you at lunch, okay? I want to see all of the boys first.” 

“Yeah- okay. That’s fine.” Niall rushed out. “Sure- yeah.” 

—

As Niall and Harry were making their way to the lunch table, Louis spotted them from a distance. He weaved his way around the crowds of students as he called Niall’s name. 

Niall turned around and grabbed Harry’s arm to get him to stop walking. Harry jerked backwards, looked at Niall, and then followed his gaze over to Louis. 

Their eyes met as Louis swiftly made his way towards the two boys who were just a few feet from their table. Harry was so happy to see Louis. He was excited to see his friends after being away from them for so long. Harry had his earphones in when Louis finally made it to them. 

Louis looked over Harry’s face, assessing and analyzing every inch of his face. Harry’s smile diminished as he saw the anger on Louis’ face. Louis reached for the wire of his earphones and harshly yanked it out of Harry’s ears. 

“Ow! What the he-“ 

“Where the fuck have you been?” Louis spat out. 

“Louis-“ Niall tried to interject.

“Where the fuck have you been, Harry? Huh?” Louis said through gritted teeth. “Did you enjoy your fucking holiday?” 

Harry’s eyes widened as he stiffened and just stared at Louis without saying a word. Louis had never spoken to him with this much hatred in his voice and Harry just didn’t know how to react.

“I-” he managed to choke out before Louis interrupted him. 

“Right, while you were fucking about and ignoring us, we were all sitting around here worried sick about you. Are you fucking serious, Harry?” Louis was nearly shouting at this point. 

Liam and Zayn had heard the commotion and instantly recognized Louis’ voice. Upon their arrival, they were greeted with a very surprised Harry, a very frantic Niall, and a very angry Louis. 

“Louis, mate, lower your voice-“ Niall started. 

“No! Where the fuck were you?!” Louis asked again. 

Zayn put his hand on Louis’ shoulder and pleaded for him to calm down, seeing as Harry flinched every time Louis raised his voice. 

“I’m- I’m sorry, Louis.” Harry croaked out quietly. He looked down at the floor, eyes still wide. He was trying really hard not to cry. 

“Oh, you’re sorry? You’re sorry. Okay.” Louis’ voice dripped with sarcasm as he shut his eyes for a moment and pouted his lips. “Aw, Harry’s sorry, lads!” 

“Okay, enough, Louis.” Niall said firmly. He took a defensive step forward, shielding Harry away from Louis. 

Zayn looked around and said, “Louis, you’re making a scene, bro. This is not the time or place to have this conversation.” 

Liam stood in front of Louis with his hands up trying to get him to calm down with, “Mate, I know you’re upset, but give him a break.” 

“Give him a break? He was ignoring us on purpose!” Louis shouted, gesturing a hand in Harry’s direction. 

“I’m sorry.” Harry whispered. His eyebrows knitted together and he shut his eyes. He really, really wants to cry. He didn’t mean to make Louis so upset. He looked at Louis while Louis looked at Harry with so much hatred in his eyes and that was enough to make Harry start shaking uncontrollably. 

See, Harry was never good with confrontations or arguments. He couldn’t stand the thought of somebody being mad at him so he always tried to please people and stay on everyone’s good side and seeing Louis so upset, and being the reason for that, was one of the scariest things he has experienced. It all stemmed from his childhood.

All eyes were fixed on Louis aside from Harry’s. His eyes were shut so extremely tight as his head hung low. He had pulled the sleeves of his sweater over his hands and held the fabric in his fists. He kept his arms at his sides as he tried to stop shaking but he couldn’t help it. His shoulders slouched and that’s when Louis noticed how distraught Harry was. 

“He died.” Harry whispered. 

Louis saw his mouth move but couldn’t hear nor make out what he said. Niall, who was standing right in front of Harry, didn’t hear him either. He didn’t even realize that Harry had said something. 

Louis’ face softened though. He had never seen Harry this shattered before. Seeing him like this filled him with so much anxiety and all of his prior anger was long gone as he carefully ushered Niall aside and stood in front of Harry, the tips of their shoes nearly touching. He looked down at Harry’s shaking hands and scanned his eyes up to Harry’s head, which was still hung. He placed both of his hands on Harry’s shoulders. 

“Harry?” He said quietly. Harry lifted his head to meet Louis’ eyes. Louis’ piercing blue eyes. As much as Harry was afraid of him right now, he was also so incredibly drawn to him. It was sort of fucked up. “What did you say?” Louis asked. 

Niall looked at Liam and Zayn as Liam shrugged. Harry sniffled, looking straight into Louis’ eyes as he tried to find the courage to repeat himself. 

Niall eyed Harry and then he eyed Louis. It was all so tense and he wasn’t sure what he should do. 

“I w-wasn’t on h-holiday.” Harry stuttered through quite sobs. Louis gulped. He suddenly felt so awful for blowing up the way that he did on Harry. 

Niall took a step closer to Harry's side, placing his hand on Harry’s back for support. Zayn rested his elbow on Louis’ shoulder as Liam stood on the other side of Louis. Harry scanned all of his friends. Every one of them had the most sympathetic and kind faces out on display and Harry almost didn’t want to ruin their peace. His shaking subsided a bit. 

“Do you want to tell us where you were?” Niall asked, tilting his head and giving him a very reassuring look. 

“I- I went fishing. And I drove around town. A-and I went to stay at my grandpa’s house-” His eyes widened again and he started shaking again. “I’m- I’m sorry for making you m-mad, L-Louis.” He muttered.

“No- Harry, It’s fine. You’re fine. I’m not mad at you, I promise.” Louis said as he lightly squeezed Harry’s shoulders. 

“Why didn’t you just tell us all of that from the start?” Liam asked with a hint of amusement in his voice. “We don’t bite, you know?” 

Harry gave Liam a nod and a small smile. But both Louis and Niall could tell that something was wrong here and that Harry wasn’t telling them the full story. 

The thing was, Niall has seen Harry act this way only once before. The time when he, his mum, and Gemma left their dad behind for good. And he was just afraid to find out the whole truth this time. 

“How’s your grandpa doing?” Zayn asked with a kind smile. 

Harry turned to him, his smile fading away and his eyes going completely dull. Niall noticed the sudden change and his stomach churned. 

“Harry?” Niall started. Harry started shaking again. “Harry, please talk to us.” 

That’s when Harry finally started crying. He tried so hard to hold it in but he was just delaying the inevitable. When Louis noticed, he looked directly at Niall who carried the most worried expression he had ever seen. 

They watched as Harry opened his mouth to speak and waited in anticipation to hear what he had to say. 

“He d-died.” 

Louis didn’t waste any time wrapping his arms around Harry and neither did Harry. They both fisted at each other’s shirts as Harry whimpered into Louis’ shoulder. Niall was next in line and wrapped his arms around the two, Liam and Zayn followed the motion right away. 

“Oh, Harry.” Niall whispered as he pressed his forehead against Harry’s head. “I’m so fucking sorry.” 

Harry didn’t have the strength to say anything as the boys sent their condolences his way. He heard Louis whispering a repetition of “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” 

And if Zayn thought they were making a scene before, then they are putting on an entire fucking show right now. All wandering eyes were on the group of 5 boys holding each other with their eyes closed and their faces in complete anguish. 

—

When that following Sunday came around, all of the boys attended the funeral out of respect and support for Harry. They sat in the back rows of the church as they silently watched people walk down the aisle and take a seat in one of the rows. 

Louis noticed Harry sitting in the first aisle with his head bowed. He saw Anne with her arm around Gemma. Funerals were never kind to Louis. Mostly because the only funerals he had ever attended were those belonging to close family members. Just sitting in that church overwhelmed him so much but he knew that Harry needed all of the support he could get right now, so he pushed his feelings aside and kept his emotions in check for the time being. 

“I didn’t expect him to pass so soon.” Niall said quietly. Liam gave him a sympathetic look and a quick nod. Honestly, all the boys were hurt by the news. Even though they didn’t know him as long as Niall had, they were all so deeply affected by his passing. 

Paul was a genuine person. He was very selfless and warm-hearted. He never had any issues with anyone nor did anyone ever have a problem with him. And the boys felt that. He always treated them like they were his sons and it felt really, really nice especially for Louis whose dad left his mum when he was very young. He doesn’t remember his dad at all, but his absence was always present. Louis noticed Harry’s father’s absence as well, but he’d never have the heart to ask what happened in that department. 

As the service came to an end, the people sitting in the back rows were encouraged to walk down the aisle and wish their final goodbye’s, and then exit the church through the side door. That was the boys’ cue. 

They all slowly stood up and carefully walked out of their row. They walked in a single file, behind some of Harry’s family, down the aisle and waited their turn to wish Paul a final farewell. 

The boys filed around the casket, each of the boys looking down at Paul, with their arms placed securely on each other’s backs. They were all too choked up to say anything. 

Louis eventually spoke up, saying, “Thank you, Paul.” 

“Rest easy.” Niall added as Zayn sniffled. They let each other go and turned towards the exit. On their way, they had to pass Harry and his family in the front row. 

Each of the boys gave Harry’s shoulder a pat and gave Gemma and Anne a sympathetic look before they pushed open the doors of the church and stepped outside. 

Liam let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding once they made it outside. At this point, they were allowed to leave and head to the cemetery, but Louis made sure that they all stayed to see Harry beforehand. 

It took nearly 45 minutes until Harry, his mum, and Gemma finally made it out. Harry looked absolutely fucked and the boys all deflated at the sight of him. They watched as Harry gave his mum and his sister a hug, his eyes fixed to the floor.

The boys stood at a distance hoping Harry would see them. Zayn nervously chewed his lip. “Should we go to him?” He asked. 

“No, I think we should give him and his family some space.” Liam replied. 

“Yeah.” Niall agreed. 

As if Harry could read Louis’ thoughts, his eyes shot up and immediately landed on the boys, specifically on Louis. Louis gave him a small smile, though it was probably indecipherable given the distance between them, and a small wave. 

Harry slowly walked towards them, shoulders slumped, hands behind his back, and eyes fixed to the floor yet again. When he reached the boys, he looked up and said, “Thanks for coming, lads.” 

The boys, yet again, wrapped their arms around Harry. This was the very first time that all of the boys cried together. It truly was the most beautiful yet most heartbreaking sight.

After today, though, Harry wouldn’t be the same.


	15. Chapter 15

After Paul’s passing, Harry had undergone a lot of changes. When he came out to Paul, the approval and reassurance he received, that he so desperately craved, was a big confidence boost for him.

One day, he found himself in Gemma’s room helping her find an outfit for a date later that evening. He touched every piece of fabric and took note of all of the colours and different patterns.

“Gem, you need more vibrant colours in your closet. More yellows maybe…” He stated whilst still looking over the clothing. She brushed him off with a laugh as she painted her nails.

He turned to gauge her expression, but the sight of her doing her nails was more intriguing. He slowly walked towards her, watching as the little brush of colour coated her nails.

He was leaning over her shoulder, arms behind his back, just observing. She looked over her shoulder with a confused look.

“What’s up?” She asked.

Harry shook his head, “Just watching, ‘s all.” She turned back and continued. He started tapping his foot incessantly as he had a mild debate going on in his mind. He hastily went to her restroom and looked in her drawers for more nail polish. He picked up a bottle of black nail polish and observed it carefully. He looked down at his unpainted nails and imagined what they’d look like with some polish. He slowly walked back to Gemma’s room, bottle in hand, and still staring at his nails.

“Gem?” She turned to him as she blew on her painted nails. “Do you think I should paint my nails?”

She carried a bemused expression as she watched him look back and forth at his nails and the bottle of polish. She opened her mouth to reply, but Harry spoke before she got the chance.

“Do you think black would look okay?” He asked, unscrewing the bottle and painting a small strip on his thumb. “I think it would work with any colour I wear. What do you think?”

“Um-” She shook her head in amazement, eyes slightly wide and eyebrows nearly touching her hairline, and said, “Yeah- I think that would work…” She was completely taken aback by his sudden engrossment. He had never mentioned wanting to paint his nails before and, honestly, Gemma didn’t see anything wrong with it. She was just shocked. “Do you… Do you want me to paint your nails?”

He pursed his lips and furrowed his eyebrows as he thought about it. He took into consideration what people are going to think of him if he does paint his nails. They’ll call him all kinds of names, he knows that, and they’ll most likely judge him, but he’s at the point where he truly couldn’t give less of a fuck about what they thought. The only opinions that mattered to him were the opinions of the people he cares about.

“Yeah. Please?” He said. Gemma nodded with a kind smile and took the nail polish from his hands. He sat down on her bed with his legs crossed in front of him and placed his hands on his knees. She took a seat and slowly began to paint his left hand.

“Why the sudden interest?” She quietly asked. She used her thumb nail to wipe off the excess polish that got on his skin.

Harry shrugged and kept his eyes focused on Gemma’s painting. “Don’t know. I’ve always been interested, I just didn’t have the confidence.”

“Hm,” She started applying a second coat to the nails. “What else have you not had the confidence to do?” She asked, slowing down her painting. 

Harry started chewing on his lip as he contemplated all of the times he had wanted to do or say something but never had the courage to do. “There’s a lot.” He chuckled pathetically.

“Yeah? Like what?”

“Well,” He picked up his left hand and observed the polish. There was something about having painted nails that made him feel so  _ good. _ He felt powerful. He felt strong. He felt like nothing could stop him. All that from just painting his nails? “I’ve liked someone for a few years now, but I haven’t told them yet.”

“Why not?”

“I’m not sure if they like me back or not. They’re sending mixed signals and I’m just having trouble figuring out what it all means.” He said shyly.

“You keep saying ‘they.’” She stated with a small laugh. She put the brush back in the bottle and looked up at him. “Why?”

Harry gulped and looked down at her with unsure eyes. Before he could second-guess himself, he said, “Because ‘they’ is a boy.”

“What?”

“I’ve thought about it a lot. And I’ve had trouble coming to terms with it, but- But, like I said, I just feel much more confident talking about it and I’m more accepting of who I am now.” She tilted her head with furrowed eyebrows as she took in everything he was saying. Then, Harry took in a deep breath and added, “Gem, I’m gay.” 

She leaned back a bit and stared at him. Was this a joke? “Really?”

“Really.” He stated nonchalantly and almost with a bit of amusement. He looked towards her closet again, stood up, and proceeded to walk over to it. He noticed a short sleeve button up shirt with a blue and red floral print displayed on the fabric. “Can I borrow this?”

“Harry, wait. Did you just say that you’re gay?” She asked with a hushed tone. He nodded and looked around the room. He was acting as if this was old news. She quickly shut her bedroom door and pulled him back down on the bed. “Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

“Since when?”

“I mean- I’ve known for years, I just wouldn’t accept it.” He said as he looked down at his hand. “Not to be an arse, but my right hand needs a second coat.” 

She grabbed the polish and began painting his nails again. “Does mum know?”

“No.”

“Niall?”

“No.”

“Does anyone know?”

“Grandpa did.” He replied quietly. Her movements started slowing down as she registered what he was saying. 

“I’m proud of you, Harry. I’m really fucking proud. What you just did is not easy and I’m just so happy for you. I love you a lot, okay?” She said as she looked deeply into his eyes. He couldn’t help but reveal a shy smile at the praise before he rolled his eyes fondly.

“I love you, too, Gem.”

A beat of silence passes as Harry watches her paint his nails carefully. She grabs the clear coat and begins coating his nails with it. “So,” She starts with a smug smile. “Who’ve you got a crush on?”

Harry looks down and smiles before he says, “Louis.”

“Louis, Louis? Tomlinson?”

“Louis Tomlinson.” He confirmed.

“Wow.”

“Yup.”

“That’s… Not who I was expecting.”

“Who were you expecting?”

“Well… Not Louis.” She laughed. “Why’ve you not told him yet?”

“I just- I can’t read him. I don’t know if he feels the same about me. He’s so weird… There are some days where I just  _ know _ that he likes me, too. But, then there are days where I swear he’s the straightest man to ever live. And there’s no inbetween. It’s so annoying.” He stated exasperatedly.

“He’s straight?” She asked.

“I mean- He’s never said otherwise.”

“So… You’re assuming he’s straight.”

“Well- Yeah, I guess I am. He had a girlfriend, you know?”

“ _ You _ had a girlfriend, too.”

“Yeah, but-”

“Why don’t you just ask him? It won’t hurt anybody.”

“I don’t want to make him uncomfortable or anything like that…”

“So, you’re just going to sit around and wish you had him instead of taking initiative? What if he’s waiting for you to make the first move?”

“I don’t know, Gem…”

“Life’s too short, Harry.”

Harry stayed silent. What if she’s right? What if Louis is waiting for Harry to make the first move? But, what if she’s wrong? And what if Louis is just being friendly because that’s just how he is? Fucking hell, why can’t Louis just be a little more transparent?

“Are you going to tell mum?” Gemma asked before she started blowing on Harry’s nails.

“Yeah.”

“When?”

“Maybe today. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. I don't know. I haven’t put too much thought into it. I wasn’t even expecting to tell you today. So…”

“I see.” Gemma replied. She was still a bit taken aback by the news, but nonetheless she was filled with so much pride and love for Harry in that moment. She was also a bit perplexed by this sudden confidence and swagger that Harry seemed to have adopted recently. He was once this extremely shy and reserved boy, but now he seemed to be more outspoken and self-assured.

She was happy for him, obviously, but the almost instantaneous change of character was a bit strange. 

\--

That following night, Harry told Anne that he was gay. He walked out in the most ridiculous floral button up, thanks to Gemma for letting him borrow it, and shiny painted nails and sat in front of Anne at the dining table.

He expressed how he felt and how her support would mean the world to him and, of course, she was nothing but supportive. She engulfed him in the biggest hug and even Gemma joined in on the hug. And Harry couldn’t help getting emotional.

All of his prior fears could not scare him anymore. He felt free for the first time in a long time. And he just had the sudden urge to tell everyone and anyone. He wanted to fucking shout it to the entire world. His family loves him and they support him no matter what. What a world!

That same night, Anne cooked a big dinner while Harry and Gemma goofed off around her in the kitchen. This is exactly what they all needed. This was exactly what Harry needed. 

\--

He still hasn’t told the boys. Truthfully, he was more scared of telling the boys than he was telling his mum and Gemma. He thought they’d sort of figure out by now, what with him showing up to school with painted nails and a newer wardrobe consisting of various styles of boots, countless amounts of colourful button up shirts, and the tightest skinny jeans he could find. After Paul’s passing, Harry was able to keep most of his paycheck now which meant he could indulge in his fashion sprees. Although, he would still give some of it to his mum to help out with groceries and bills.

They all saw the changes, but no one really questioned him on it. The most fuss they made was about his nails, but it was nothing bad.

Niall was the first to notice, since they shared a class together, and said, “You painted your nails?”

Harry very shyly rubbed the back of his neck and kept his other hand behind his back. “Yeah, I did.”

“That’s sick! Can I see?” Niall asked enthusiastically. Harry slowly put his hands on Niall’s palms and watched as Niall assessed his fingers. “You look like a proper rockstar, mate. You know what? I think Zayn is going to love them. Seems like he’d go for black polish, too.”

All of this support was desired, but maybe it wasn’t good for Harry’s ego. Because now he felt unstoppable. And, Niall was right, Zayn did like his nail polish. So did Liam and Louis, too, and he was just surprised to see how fascinated everyone was with him. It was all so new to him, being the center of attention and all that, but he didn’t hate it. Not one bit.

He started painting his nails with much more vibrant colours. Some days he’d show up with pink and yellow nails, other days they’d be light blue and pink. It varied and he never shied away from a pop of colour. 

Everyone at school was talking about him now. He was just so different! A boy with painted nails, how peculiar! A lot more girls were introducing themselves to him without sexual intentions and Harry  _ loved _ that. They’d talk about his nail polish and how much they loved the colour combinations he would use. They complimented his outfits and even talked about boys every now and then. 

He appreciated the fact that he didn’t necessarily have to disclose his sexuality with them. It was almost like they just  _ knew _ . And it seemed like everyone around them knew, too. A boy from one of his classes even flirted with him while they were walking to class together. It was all so new and so strange, but Harry fucking loved it.

Everyone wanted to be around him. Everyone wanted to associate with him. Everyone wanted to be like him. He loved all of the attention. But, even through all the support, there were still some people around him that didn’t approve. But, Harry didn’t care. He didn’t care if he heard some homophobic language from time to time because he was happy. He felt good and that’s all that truly mattered to him.

He wasn’t sure how he was going to come out to the boys because he wanted it to be special, in a way. He didn’t want to tell them at school because it was just really important to him that the boys knew about this and he wanted to tell them privately where it’d be much more intimate. Maybe he could invite them all over for dinner and talk to them then? Seems a bit formal. Fuck it, he’ll figure it out eventually.

\--

Well, things didn’t go as planned. He came out to Niall first. It wasn’t really planned or thought through, it was in the heat of the moment. Kind of like what happened with Gemma, he just said it and left it at that.

It all happened so fast, too. He was at Niall’s house and was looking through a fashion magazine when Niall peered over his shoulder and saw that he was staring intently at a dress. When he noticed Niall was watching, he flipped the page to a male model and pretended to stare at his suit.

“What do you think of this blazer?” He asked, peering over his shoulder.

“It’s alright, a bit too plain. I like coloured blazers myself.” Niall replied as he laid down on his bed.

“Yeah, I like patterns. They really make you stand out.” Harry replied as he secretly went back to the page with the dress.

“Hey, Harry?”

“Mhm?”

“I’ve been hearing some stuff about you at school.”

“Like what?” Harry asked, eyes still fixed on the magazine.

“Well, I’ve been hearing all this talk about you flirting with boys or sumat. I don’t know where they come up with this stuff.”

Harry paused for a second. He clutched the magazine a little tighter, making the pages crinkle. He swallowed and felt a slight prickling at the back of his neck and he nervously grabbed his bottom lip with his thumb and index finger. He took a deep breath and said, “They’re not coming up with it. It’s true.”

“What?”

“I have been flirting with boys.” He confirmed calmly.

“Why’ve you been doing that?” Niall asked, sitting up with a confused look.

“Because I enjoy it.” Niall didn’t say anything, so Harry continued. “It seems like this is as good a time as any to tell you,” He closed the magazine, placed it beside him, and turned to face Niall before he continued. “I’m gay.”

“Oh,” Niall said with amusement. “Good for you, Harry!” He gave Harry a pat on the shoulder and a big grin. “That’s cool. Are you happy?”

“Yeah,” Harry started and couldn’t hide the smile that made its way to his cheeks. “Yeah, I’m actually really, really happy. I feel really comfortable in my own skin for once. It feels really good to be able to say it out loud.”

“That’s great, mate.” He pulled Harry in for a quick hug and asked, “Should we celebrate?”

\--

There was only one more month left until the boys, excluding Harry, were set to graduate and go off to university. Harry was already counting down the days until he’d have to say goodbye to them and sit alone at lunch. Needless to say, he was absolutely dreading it. He still hadn’t figured out how or when he was going to come out to Liam, Louis, and Zayn and Niall was damn good at keeping a secret.

The rest of the boys, on the other hand, were buzzing about the fact that they were so close to graduating. Liam, Zayn, and Niall had already received acceptance letters from universities and, to celebrate, Louis decided to plan another one of their epic sleepovers at his place. 

It all worked out because his parents decided to go on a short holiday over the weekend and agreed to take all of his siblings along with them.

On Friday night, the boys arrived to Louis’, shortly after his family had left, with beers, snacks, and board games, though Niall doubted they were actually going to sit around and play any of them.

“Oi, oi!” Louis shouted once he opened the front door and all of the boys shouted back with excitement as they rushed in. 

The night went on like nearly all of their sleepovers usually do. They turned up the music, bounced off the walls, threw shit around, and ended off the night with another round of ridiculous YouTube videos. They’d gone through twelve beers together and were feeling heavy and extremely groggy. Louis made the executive decision to shut off the telly and said, “Alright, I’m drained. Should we head to bed?”

Zayn was already asleep on the sofa, leaning against Niall when Harry stood up and offered to help Louis set up the beds. Niall had brought his air mattresses while Zayn and Liam brought extra blankets and pillows. Liam and Harry set up all the mattresses in the spare guest room as Niall tried to walk a very sleepy and limp Zayn through the house.

All of the boys claimed a mattress as Louis stood by the door and said, “Good night, kids. Daddy loves you.” It elicited a giggle from Harry and a groan from Zayn. Louis shut off the light and closed the door before making his way to his bedroom. 

\--

It was close to two in the morning when Louis sat up in bed and pulled lightly at his hair. He groaned and pushed the duvet aside and climbed out of bed. He grabbed his cigarettes, lighter, and a hoodie and tiptoed passed the guest room. He made his way to the backyard and quickly put on his hoodie, then he lit a cigarette. 

The truth was, Louis hasn’t been sleeping much lately. His mind was always racing with so many thoughts and his anxiety was eating him alive. He just couldn’t understand why he hadn’t heard back from any of the universities he applied to yet. He was already starting to think negatively, constantly telling himself that he wasn’t going to get accepted anywhere and that he was just going to have to find some random job just to have a mediocre income and live a mediocre life.

Just as he lit his second cigarette, he heard some shuffling from inside the house and turned to look at the door that he now sees he accidentally left open. Shortly after, Harry peaks his head out and says, “Louis? Why are you up?”

“I could ask you the same thing.” He replied as he turned away and took a drag from his cigarette.

Harry put his hands behind his back and leaned from one foot to the other, looking at how tense Louis obviously was. “Everything all right?”

“Couldn’t sleep.”

“Me neither.”

“Nightmare?”

“Yeah.”

Louis hums in response, taking another drag from his cigarette. He looked around at the yard, then up at the sky scattered with only a few stars, thinking about what the fuck he’s going to do with his future. He could try to land a job working where his mum and Mark work, but that’s not guaranteed. He could wait till one of his mates offers him a job. Or one of the boys, even. He could wait until Harry-  _ Harry. _

Louis turns to Harry and sees him awkwardly standing in the same spot, picking at his fingers.

“Why don’t you try going back to sleep?” He asks.

“I usually can’t fall back asleep after a nightmare.” Harry replied quietly. There was a sort of innocence about his response. A sort of shyness. Almost like he was embarrassed to admit such a childish thing.

“In that case, you’re welcome to hang out here for as long as you’d like.” Louis said.

“Thanks.” Harry replied quietly. Louis looked over Harry’s figure. He hadn’t moved from his spot but was now hugging his arms trying to keep warm.

Louis sighed, put out the rest of his unfinished cigarette, and said, “Let’s go inside.”

Harry followed him inside like a lost puppy as Louis led them to the kitchen. He pulled out a beer from the fridge and said, “Want one?” Harry nodded and thanked Louis when he was handed an open beer.

“Cheers.” Louis said.

“To what?”

“To my shitty future.” Louis said dryly, taking a sip.

Harry didn’t take a sip, though. He frowned and said, “What does that mean?”

“Exactly what it sounds like.”

“Louis,” Harry sat down at the dining table. “What’s on your mind?”

Louis sighed and leaned against the kitchen counter. He pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head. “It’s nothing.”

“It’s clearly something if it’s bothering you so much.”

He looks at Harry’s kind face splaying a small smile and sighs again. He walks over to him and sits opposite to Harry. He musters up enough courage and says, “I still haven’t heard back from any universities.”

Harry shrugged and said, “But the acceptance deadlines aren’t up yet.”

“Yeah, but everyone, and their fucking mum, has heard back. Why haven’t I?”

Harry sat there and watched Louis run a hand over his face and grip his bottle tighter. He reached over and gently grabbed Louis’ wrists and slowly brought them down to the table. He rubbed his thumbs against the inside of Louis’ wrists and gave him a sympathetic smile.

“It’s just- I’ve worked so hard. So fucking hard, Harry. Ever since I was held back, I forced myself to work extra hard because I didn’t want to fuck up again.” Louis continued. He hung his head and, very quietly, said, “I don’t want to be a fuck-up again.”

“Louis,” Harry sighed. He flipped Louis’ hands so that his palms were now pressed to the table. He placed both of his hands on top of Louis’ and said, “You made a mistake. It’s in the past now. You’ve worked so hard and you’ve just got to be a bit more patient. Can you please be more patient?”

Louis looked down at their hands, noting how Harry’s large hands completely covered his dainty ones. He took note of the black, red, and blue nail polish Harry was sporting. He looked up into Harry’s eyes and assessed his dimpled grin. He sighed and said, “Yeah, I guess I can.”

“Good.” Harry replied, giving Louis’ hands a small pat and grabbing his beer. He raised the bottle and said, “To patience.”

Louis let out a huff of air and smiled, raising his bottle and tapping it against Harry’s. “To patience.” 

\--

They were both three beers in and having the best time together. Louis was carrying himself much better than Harry was since his tolerance was so much higher, but he was still surprised that Harry was only buzzed. Truly, he would expect Harry to be stumbling all around the place by now, but Harry was definitely just buzzed. 

Even so, Harry was being extremely clingy. He was hanging off of the back of Louis’ shoulders every chance he got and he was always trying to pinch Louis’ cheeks. He was like a fucking koala bear, but Louis loved it. 

He kept having to hush Harry so they didn't wake any of the boys, but Harry kept forgetting and every time he caught himself laughing too loudly, he would throw his hands over his mouth and widen his eyes. Louis would have to stifle his laugh right afterwards. 

It was half past three when Louis grabbed two more beers from the fridge. He pulled out his phone to check the time and, when Harry saw Louis’ phone, he snatched it out of his hands and insisted that they take a selfie. 

Louis was completely against the idea. He made it clear when he said, “No fucking chance,” that he would be taking no part in any selfies. 

Yet, there he was posing for a selfie, anyways. He couldn’t help it. Not when Harry begged him with, “Please, Lou? Pretty please? Please, please, please?” He even went the extra mile and batted his eyelashes a few times. Could you blame him for caving?

“Oh, fuck off. Open the camera.”

Most of the pictures came out blurry and they had their eyes closed in the majority of them. But there were the few clear ones that consisted of Harry kissing Louis’ cheek while Louis had his arm slung around Harry’s shoulders and others where they were just laughing so hard together, crinkles, dimples, and teeth on full display. Harry must have taken fifty photos in the span of one minute and he had no shame about it either. 

When Louis finally took hold of his phone again, he noticed he had some new emails in his inbox and, surprisingly, he was one of those people who actually cleaned up their inbox. So, he started sifting through the various ads he had received while Harry fumbled around in the kitchen. What he wasn’t expecting to see was an email from one of the universities that he had applied to. 

While Harry struggled to open up the beers, Louis hesitantly opened the email and started reading over it.

A bottle cap fell to the floor as Harry lifted the now open bottles and said, “Got it!” He turned to hand Louis a bottle when he saw Louis’ mouth agape and his eyes opened wide. He put the beers down and said, “Lou?”

“I got in.”

“What?”

“I got in!” Louis exclaimed as he flashed the screen in Harry’s direction. Even though his vision was a little disoriented, he was able to make out the words, “Louis Tomlinson,” and “We are pleased to offer you admission…”

He looked up at Louis and shouted, “Louis!” Harry’s face lit up as Louis threw his fists into the air and started jumping around from one foot to the other. Harry watched on and, as soon as Louis stopped jumping hysterically and started calmly bouncing around, he wrapped his arms around him and bounced along with him while they both cheered and laughed as quietly as they could.

Their movements slowed down and eventually stopped as Louis tried to catch his breath. They were just holding each other at this point, but neither of them questioned it. It felt really nice.

Louis’ entire body was engulfed by Harry and he was swimming in the sensation of having Harry’s long arms wrapped around him so tightly. He nuzzled his nose into Harry’s curls, which were now going far past his shoulders, and slowly began sliding his hands down Harry’s back, softly caressing him.

When Harry let out a long exhale, Louis pulled away immediately. He was so flustered that he stumbled back until he was leaning against the kitchen counter again. Harry was too inebriated to even think about what happened, so he grabbed the beers again and handed one to Louis.

“Cheers, Louis, to you and all your hard work.” They clinked their bottles and laughed. Louis took a sip and watched Harry down almost half of the bottle in one go.

“H,” He chuckled breathily, “Take it easy.”

Harry waved him off with a giggle and gestured for Louis to follow him. 

Harry stumbled outside with Louis’ hand pressed to the small of his back so as to steady him. He went straight onto the grass and laid down, sprawling his limbs and starfishing. 

Louis shook his head with a quiet laugh and sat down beside him. He sat there listening to Harry drunkenly ramble on about the silliest things and about how proud he was of Louis. Then, Harry sat up and took hold of his beer again. He took a sip, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and said, “Lou, can I ask you something?”

Louis nodded, feeling the effects of his buzz slowly fading. “Sure.”

“Why did you break up with Michelle?”

It was then that Louis realized he never really discussed his breakup with the boys. He confirmed it with, “Tommo’s back on the market, lads.” And left it at that. 

He could lie and say that things just weren’t working out between them, that Harry wasn’t an underlying factor in the decision, but why should he? Harry’s fucking drunk off his arse, anyway. It’s not like he’ll remember any of this tomorrow. 

“We had a bit of a falling out.” He says.

“Why?”

“Well- It was around the time you decided to run off. And, well, after you missed two days, I started doing your homework for you because I didn’t want you to stress out when you decided to get back-”

Harry cut him off and, with a quizzical look, asked, “Wait,  _ you _ did my homework?”

“Y-yeah…”

Harry looked away as he contemplated the new info. He turned back to a very shy looking Louis and, with the most sincere tone, said, “Thanks, Lou.”

Louis cleared his throat, nodded, and shifted a little. “It’s no problem. Anyways, I was pretty stressed with all the extra work, and the fact that no one knew where you were, so I kind of lashed out on her after she told me I worry about you too much.”

“You were worried about me?”

_ Of course, you big dummy, _ he wanted to say. He rolled his eyes and, instead, said, “We were all worried about you.”

Harry laid back down, crossing his legs at the ankles, and said, “Not Michelle, though, hey?”

Louis let out a laugh and took another sip. “What about you? Why’d you break up with Alice?”

“Zayn didn’t tell you?” Harry asked as he sat up again and faced Louis.

“He didn’t tell me, no…”

Harry shrugged and took another sip. “I didn’t tell him the full story. Just enough to get him to see where I stood at the time.”

“What do you mean?”

“Do you want the truth?”

“I’d prefer the truth.”

Harry took a moment to assess the situation. He watched as Louis frowned and played with the stout of his bottle.

“Okay,” Harry started as he sat up straighter and broadened his shoulders. “I broke up with her because she wasn’t you.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !!!  
> :-)
> 
> Alright I fed you all with a ton of chapters this week so there probably won't be one for a few days since I REALLY have to start my paper lmao

Louis leaned back a bit and tilted his head, “What?”

“I broke up with Alice because she wasn’t you.” He repeated. 

Louis was baffled by the admission. What the fuck did he just say? There’s no way…

He squinted his eyes at Harry who had not broken their eye contact yet. He watched Louis with knitted eyebrows. Louis couldn’t tell if he was angry or if he was just extremely focused. 

There’s absolutely no way Harry’s being serious. This is one of his shitty jokes, isn’t it? He’s way too gone to even realize what he’s saying!

“You’re so fucking drunk!” Louis says in between laughs. 

Harry bites his lip, rolls his eyes, and lets out a huff of annoyance before nodding. Whether he was nodding in agreement or acknowledgment, Louis couldn’t tell. 

He brushed off the strange response with a swig of beer then reached for the cigarettes in his pocket. He pulls one out of the pack and proceeds to light it as Harry watches on. 

He takes a drag and Harry says, “Can I try that?”

“No chance.” 

“Why not?”

“It’s addictive and not a very good habit to have.”

“Then why do you smoke?”

“‘Cause I tried it once and haven’t been able to quit.”

“Why did you try it?”

Louis flicked the ashes off his cigarette and laughed at the mild interrogation. “My old mates were into it and they let me try one. I regret it now.”

Harry drank the rest of his beer and sighed. “My dad used to smoke.”

It was then that Louis realized Harry had never mentioned his dad before. This was the very first time he has heard any indication of the man’s existence. His ears perk up. 

“He’s in all of my nightmares. He wasn’t very nice to us.” Harry said as he ran his finger up and down the empty bottle. “He wasn’t very nice to my mum, especially.”

Louis quickly reached over and placed his hand on Harry’s. “Harry, you don’t have to tell me this if you don’t want to. I know you’re drunk right now-”

“Stop. I want to tell you. Let me finish.” Harry asserted. Louis pulled his hand back and stuffed both into his hoodie pocket. Harry’s tone and the topic in which he was discussing made him feel a little uneasy. “He was very manipulative and a very jealous person. He always calculated how long it would take my mum to get home from work or from a family member’s house and, if she got home even a minute later than his calculations, he’d accuse her of the worst things. He’d call her names and scream at her and-” He let out a shaky breath. “He’d do more than that. He wasn’t very nice to her and I just don’t why. She’s amazing. She always has been.”

Louis didn’t really know what to say at that moment. All he could muster up was a pathetic, “I’m sorry, Harry.” But even that felt mediocre. 

“He used to call me names, too. He’d call me a sissy and a fairy if I played with Gemma for too long. He’d get mad at her for kicking a football with me instead of cleaning the house. He always had something negative to say. I wish I had the courage to say something back, but I was just a kid and I was  _ so _ afraid of him.”

Louis wasn’t expecting Harry to just lay all of this out tonight. And he still didn’t know what to fucking say. He apologized again and added, “None of you deserved to be treated that way.”

Harry nodded and continued. “One day, my mum got fed up with the constant treatment and abuse so she packed our things, picked us up from school, and took us to our grandparents house. My grandparents took us in, no questions asked. I ended up having to change schools and that’s when I met Niall.” He paused to take a few breaths, and then continued. “I hate him. I hate him so much, Louis, you don’t understand. He was the biggest arsehole I’ve ever met.” Harry shook his head and his breaths became more ragged.

“When’s the last time you’ve seen him?”

“The night before we left. I wished him a good night and he ignored me. Fucking dickhead.”

Louis readjusted himself so he could sit by Harry’s side and wrapped his arm around Harry’s shoulder. “A dickhead, indeed.”

“And an alcoholic.” Harry added. “He didn’t know when to fucking stop.”

Louis frowned and tightened his hold on Harry’s shoulder. “Maybe we should talk about something else? To lighten the mood.”

Harry eyed his empty bottle and turned to Louis, their faces just inches apart. “Can you get me another beer?” He asks sweetly.

Louis wanted to say no. He wanted to so bad. But Harry did that fucking thing with the begging and the batting of the lashes and, fuck, Louis couldn’t say no. “Fine, but this is your last one.”

He leisurely got up and made his way to the kitchen. He opened the fridge and stood there for a moment as his mind processed everything Harry just told him. Should he have asked Harry to keep going? Maybe there was more he wanted to talk about? Fuck, should he bring it up again? What if Harry is done talking about it? Fucking hell. 

He grabs two more beers, opens them, and makes his way outside and says, “You know what I just realized?”

“What?” Harry said as he made grabby hands for the beer.

“This is the first time I’ve ever heard you swear.”

Harry took a slow sip, “Yeah, I try not to swear often… Thanks for the beer… Do you know what I just realized?” 

“What?”

“Beer is gross.”

\--

“Um- Louis? Would it be okay if I slept in your room tonight?” 

Louis looked at Harry. His hand was still on the door knob of the guest room as he watched Harry rub the back of his neck. 

“Sure. Can I ask why?” Louis replied as he let go of the knob. 

“It’s just-” They started making their way to Louis’ room, Harry trailing behind Louis. “After I have a nightmare, it’s hard for me to fall asleep. And, at the first sleepover, I managed to fall asleep when you were there. I just thought that maybe I could fall asleep if you were with me…”

They were in his room now as Louis was shuffling around, taking off his hoodie and his socks as Harry watched on, digging his hands into the pockets of his sweats. 

“I’m sorry- It’s stupid. I can go to the guest room. Sorry.” 

“No, Harry. It’s fine. I don’t mind at all, honestly.” Louis said as he started fluffing up a pillow for Harry. 

It was funny. Harry had this newfound confidence about him, but there were moments where his shyness would peak through. Louis hadn’t noticed, but Harry only goes back to those days when he’s around Louis. 

He looked at Harry’s figure and chuckled, seeing as how awkwardly he was just standing by the closed door. “Come on then.” Louis said as he pulled the duvet back. 

Harry slowly walked over to the bed. He took a seat and pulled his socks off before laying down and pulling the duvet up to his chest. Louis followed the motion. 

“Good?” Louis asked, turning to Harry. 

“Good.” Harry confirmed.

They laid there for a few minutes in silence, both staring at the ceiling. The only light in the room was provided by the lamp on Louis’ bedside table; it was a very low light. Harry’s head was still spinning a bit from the drinks, but he didn’t really feel all that tired. There was a lot on his mind.

Louis was thinking about university. He was thinking about how everyone was going to react to the news and he couldn’t fucking wait to tell them. He couldn’t wait to tell his mum and Mark and all his siblings. He knows everyone is going to be so proud. A smile finds its way onto his face as he thinks about how happy he is in that moment. He turns to Harry, still smiling, and sees that his eyes are still wide open staring at the ceiling. 

He inches a little closer to him, props himself up on his elbow, and looks down at Harry. Harry meets his eyes before Louis looks up and pretends to study the ceiling. He looks back down to Harry with a puzzled look and, with a teasing tone, asks, “What are you looking at up there?”

Harry smiled and shook his head and then averted his eyes down to his hands. His smile slowly faded and his eyebrows furrowed slightly. 

“You all right?” Louis whispered. 

Harry shook his head. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Can you be honest with me for a moment?”

“Of course.” Louis said as he laid back down, still facing his body towards Harry. 

Harry took a moment to gather his thoughts. He looked back up at the ceiling, swallowed, and asked, “Do you feel the same way about me as I feel about you?”

The question took Louis by surprise. Not only because of the temerity, but because he himself didn’t really know the exact answer to that. He can’t deny his attraction towards Harry. He thinks about him a lot. Too much, even. But he’d never had the temptation to act on his feelings. Or, he never had the courage to. A part of him was worried about what everyone would think of him if he was to have a thing with a boy. He was so fucking insecure and seeked validity from everyone around him and he’s not sure if being with a boy is something people are going to take lightly. 

“That depends.” He eventually says as he himself now looks up at the ceiling. 

“On what?” Harry turns his body to face Louis. 

Louis swallows the lump in his throat and, in a very low voice, adds, “On how you feel about me.”

Harry studies the planes of Louis’ profile. His eyes trace the outline of his nose, down to his lips, and around the curve of his chin. He watches Louis slowly blink as the light illuminates the right side of his face, his eyelashes casting shadows over his cheekbones. He lays down on his back.

“I like you. Quite a lot, actually.” He says quietly. 

“Hm.” Louis replies. 

They lay in silence for a short beat until Harry couldn’t stand it anymore. He turned his body to Louis’ again. He waited for Louis to meet his eye, but he never did. “Say something.” 

“What do you want me to say?”

“Anything. Just be honest.”

Louis feels himself getting warm and he can feel the anxiousness building in his chest. He takes a few slow breaths in and then releases them. He turns his head to Harry, meeting his gaze, and says, “I feel the same way about you as you feel about me.”

Harry doesn’t respond. He swallows and nods. Louis blinks slowly at him, timing his breaths to keep his anxiety at bay. Harry lowered his gaze to Louis’ lips and noticed a small smile forming. He looked back up and had a smile of his own as Louis bashfully turned his head away. Harry can still see him smiling. 

He looks down at Louis’ hand, which is laid flatly on the duvet above his chest, and slowly reaches out for it. He brushes his index finger along Louis’ pinky and Louis turns to witness the action. Louis pushes his pinky further towards Harry. Harry intertwines his pinky with Louis’ and watches a slight blush form on Louis’ cheeks. The orange glow of the lamp accentuated his cheekbones divinely. 

“You know, I wasn’t drunk when I told you about Alice.” Harry said lowly. “I did break up with her because of you. I found myself comparing her to you and I just couldn’t stop. I’m sorry if that makes you uncomfortable.”

“No, it’s okay. I get it.” Louis replied, still staring at their fingers.

“Is this okay?” Harry asks in reference to the contact. 

“Yeah,” Louis whispered. “It’s nice.”

Harry cleared his throat and said, “Would you stop me if I were to make a move?”

Harry felt Louis’ pinky twitch slightly in his hold. He fucked up, didn’t he? Oh, fuck. He fucked up. It’s way too soon. They just confessed their feelings for each other and already Harry wants to make a move? Fucking idiot. 

“No,” Louis said. “I wouldn’t stop you.”

Harry looked at Louis with disbelief. Is this the right time to make a move? He’s never actually done anything with a boy, just the occasional flirt with someone from a class, but never anything intimate. He lifts the duvet and inches his body closer to Louis’. Louis just lays there, eyes fixed on the ceiling. He was so nervous and Harry could sense it. He almost didn’t want to touch him because he could see how visibly uncomfortable he looked, what with the sheen of sweat adorning his forehead and the fact that he’s not even trying to make eye contact with Harry. 

“Are you sure?” Harry asked, their thighs were touching now. 

“Yeah.” Louis replied. 

So, Harry took initiative. He slowly climbed over Louis, placed his left leg in between Louis’ legs, and held himself up with his arms beside Louis’ head.

“Is this okay?” He’s not sure why he kept asking. He’s so tense.

Louis nods and finally makes eye contact. His eyes seemed unsure but his replies were certain. Harry looked over Louis’ face, trying to read him, but Louis turned his head towards the lamp, reaching his hand out to it. Harry watched the tendons on his neck flex. He leaned down and placed his open mouth against Louis’ neck. Louis gasped at the contact, but turned his head more, giving Harry more access. He was so taken aback by the sudden rush of excitement that he forgot to turn off the lamp.

Harry ran his hand over Louis’ clothed stomach, over his chest, and then held onto Louis’ neck as he littered open-mouthed kisses along it. He brushed his thumb back and forth over his Adam’s apple and felt Louis’ hand land on his shoulder before he knitted his fingers into Harry’s hair.

Harry groaned and bit down on Louis’ neck when Louis tightened his grip on his hair, pulling lightly. Louis moaned, sending vibrations against Harry’s tongue, and landed his free hand on Harry’s hip.

Harry could still feel that Louis was a little tense and that he was trying to enjoy it nonetheless so he trailed kisses up Louis’ neck, to the place where Louis’ jaw meets his neck, and left a wet kiss below his earlobe. Louis closed his eyes and allowed himself to relish the moment before he slipped his hand under Harry’s shirt, feeling his warm skin against his fingertips. 

Harry kissed his way along Louis’ jaw and slowly pulled away to look at Louis. He waited for Louis to open his eyes and once he did Harry kept eye contact as he hovered his lips above Louis’ parted ones.

He felt Louis’ ragged breaths against his lips and whispered, “Tell me if you want to stop.”

Louis didn’t respond. He closed his eyes again and tilted his head upwards, searching for Harry’s lips. Harry pulled away slightly with a smirk as he watched Louis furrow his eyebrows. 

“Harry.” Louis groaned. 

Harry looked down at Louis’ neck, noticing the lovebite he left and how his shirt’s collar has ridden down, exposing his heavenly collarbones. He dipped down and sucked along his collarbone, tasting the salt against Louis’ skin and breathing out in contentment. 

He kissed his way back up to Louis’ chin and peered at him through hooded eyes. He watched Louis’ desperate eyes flicker back and forth from Harry’s lips to his eyes. Harry slowly lowered his body down onto Louis. He watched Louis raise his eyebrows and part his lips at the contact. Harry took note of the semi Louis was sporting in his joggers. Harry had his own tucked away in his pants slowly growing frustrated with the lack of friction. 

“Tell me when to stop.” He said with a raspy tone. He slowly ground his hips down against Louis’. Louis let out a low moan and threw his head back. Harry let out a gasp and kissed his chin. 

“Fuck, Harry,” Louis breathed. “I don’t want you to.”

Harry closed his eyes and ground his hips down again. He breathed out Louis’ name as Louis pulled Harry down by the back of his neck and started sucking on his neck.

Harry placed his hand underneath Louis’ shirt and slowly ran his hand back and forth against his bare stomach, causing his shirt to ride up slightly. Louis disconnected his lips from Harry’s neck and looked down in between their bodies. He watched as Harry slowly ran his hand down to the waistband of Louis’ joggers and ran a finger underneath it. 

Louis’ breath hitched when Harry slipped more of his fingers past the waistband. He tensed up and quickly said, “Stop.”

Harry instantly retracted his hand with wide eyes and parted lips. He licked his lips and swallowed the lump forming in his throat. He tried to regain his breath while Louis looked frantically around the room. 

“I’m sorry, I-” Harry stated nervously. “I thought you didn’t want me to stop?” 

Louis pinched the bridge of his nose and breathed out, “No, it’s okay. I’m just not- I don’t think I’m ready for all that yet. It’s, um- It’s too soon, I think.” 

“Right, sorry. I got carried away.” Harry whispers. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

Harry was still hovering over Louis, their bodies still pressed together. He apologized again and hastily climbed off of him. He laid down beside Louis and pulled the duvet up to his chest again. He tapped nervously against his knuckles and, again, said, “I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing. I said it was okay. It’s fine. We’re fine.” Louis tried to reassure him, but Harry felt so disgusted with himself. 

Louis reached over to turn off the lamp but, before he could carry out the motion, he heard Harry shuffling around beside him. When he turned back to face Harry, he saw that Harry had his back towards him. He sighed and placed his hand on Harry’s back, rubbing soothingly. “I promise it’s okay, Harry.”

He patiently waited for a response, but all he received was a dry sniffle. A short while later, Harry whispered, “Did I fuck it all up?”

Louis chuckled and said, “No, Harry. I still like you.” 

Harry slowly turned his head and asked, “Do you?”

“I do. Come here.”

Harry turned his body around and saw that Louis had the duvet pulled upwards. Harry slowly shifted his way towards Louis as Louis wrapped his arms around him. Harry laid his head on Louis’ chest and clutched his bicep.

“Do you want to try to get some sleep?” Louis asked as he used his nails to light scratch at Harry’s scalp. 

“Yeah.” Harry breathed out, clutching Louis’ bicep a little harder.

“Okay,” Louis reached down and placed a kiss on the top of Harry’s head. He finally turned the lamp off. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.” 

A few minutes went by when, just as Louis was about to fall asleep, Harry whispered, “You’re really confusing.”


	17. Chapter 17

Niall woke up first the next morning. They had forgotten to shut the curtain the night before so the sun was shining down directly into his eyes. He scrunched his face and used his hand to shield his eyes before he rolled over to his side with a small groan and pulled the blanket up to his chin. He opened his eyes and looked around the room. He heard small snores intermingling with each other and then noticed that one of the beds was empty. 

He slowly sat up and stretched his arms over his head. He scratched his back and reached for his phone. He knew it was Harry that was out of bed since it was a few minutes past six and only he would be up so early, fucking loon. He laid back down and shut his eyes. 

A few minutes later, he groaned and lazily got out of bed. He rubbed at his eyes, finding it hard to fall back asleep with it being so bright in the room and because he knew he was leaving Harry alone on purpose. He put on his shirt from the night before and slowly maneuvered around the array of mattresses.

When he made it out of the guest room, he noted how quiet the entire house was. He was almost afraid to even take a step because he’d be disturbing the peace. He carefully walked down the hallway, past Louis’ room, and saw all of the beer bottles from the night before. He found it strange because he remembers Liam gathering all of those up and tossing them in the bin. Ah, whatever. Not important. 

He went to the kitchen and looked around. He peered at the dining table. He walked over to the sliding door and looked out into the yard. 

“Okay…” He murmured to himself. 

He checked the guest bathroom and then went back to the living room. He put his hands on his hips and looked around with a confused expression. Since Harry was obviously not here, he decided to make his way back to bed and try to get a few more hours of sleep in. On his way to the room, he pulled out his phone and sent Harry a text asking where he was. The moment he sent the message was the same moment he was passing by Louis’ room. And it was the same moment he heard a faint notification sound come from Louis’ room. 

He stopped in his tracks and took a few steps back, lingering in front of the door. He looked at his phone and saw the message to Harry had delivered. He sent another text and the notification sounded again. He stood there for a moment wondering why the fuck Louis had Harry’s phone in his room. He doesn’t even remember Harry going into Louis’ room at all last night. Without thinking, he grabs the knob and twists it open. He slowly peers inside and is met with a sight that he was not expecting to see. 

Harry was lying with his chest against Louis’, his face buried in his neck, and one of his hands in Louis’ hair. Louis had one of his arms to his side and the other resting effortlessly on the small of Harry’s back; the duvet was only covering their legs. 

Niall’s eyes widened at the scene and he brought his hand up to his mouth to muffle his laugh. He was so tempted to take a photo. Instead, he slowly walked out and shut the door. He snorted and silently giggled as he pressed his back against the wall. He looked down at his phone and got an idea. 

He clicked on Harry’s contact and dialed his number and waited for his phone to start ringing on the other side of the door. 

Harry’s eyes briskly opened after the second loud ring of his phone. “Shit.” He cursed as he quickly climbed off of Louis and reached for his phone on the bedside table. 

Without checking the caller I.D., he clears his throat and answers the phone. “Hello?” He looks down to Louis who now had his eyebrows furrowed and one arm folded behind his head.

By the time Harry picked up the phone, Niall had made his way into the kitchen. “Hey, mate. Where are you?” He asked with an amused tone and a smirk. 

“Oh- Um… I’m in the restroom right now.” Harry lied as he sat up in bed. He heard Louis groan. 

“Right. I’m going to make some tea, do you want some?” 

“Yeah,” Harry said as he used his shoulder to press the phone to his ear while he tried to pull his socks on. “Cheers. I’ll see you in a few.” 

He hung up the phone and pulled on his other sock and felt tugging at the back of his shirt. 

“Who was that?” Louis asked with a sluggish tone. Harry turned to him and smiled, reaching out to cup Louis’ face and rub his thumb gently over his cheekbone. Louis leant into the touch as his eyes were still closed and his face carried a soft expression. 

“Niall. He’s making tea. Do you want me to make you a cup?” He replied softly. 

Louis squinted his eyes and said, “Please?”

Harry couldn’t stop smiling. He just couldn’t. He whispered an okay and added, “Come to the kitchen in, like, ten minutes. I’m going to borrow a jumper, if that’s okay.”

“‘S fine.” Louis mumbled as Harry walked towards his closet. 

He grabbed the biggest jumper he could find and slipped it on and, as expected, even Louis’ biggest jumper was a bit small on Harry. But, it smelled like Louis so who cares, really? As he was walking past the bed, Louis grabbed his hand and said, “Two sugars, please. And some milk.”

Harry nodded and squeezed his hand. He made his way out of the room and hastily went to the restroom. He flushed the toilet and turned the sink on for a few seconds before he went on his way to the kitchen.

“Morning.” Niall greeted with a grin.

“Hey.” Harry replied with a yawn. He leaned against the kitchen counter opposite to Niall and said, “Sleep well?”

“Yeah. You?” 

“It was alright.”

“Hm.” Niall hummed, trying to hide his smile. He turned to the kettle and said, “Should be ready soon.”

“Why are you up so early?” Harry asked, crossing his arms. 

“Why are you wearing Louis’ jumper?” Niall retorted as he tilted his head and carried a self-satisfied look upon his face.

“Oh,” Harry looked down at the jumper that was obviously a few sizes too small. He ran through a bunch of excuses in his head and said, “It’s a bit chilly and I didn’t bring anything warm so I grabbed this out of his closet.”

“Right.” Niall nodded as he shut off the stove.

Harry grabbed three mugs and placed a teabag in each. He went to grab the pot of sugar when Niall looked at the three cups and snorted. 

“What?” Harry asked with a small smile.

Niall shook his head and began pouring the tea into the cups while Harry pulled out the milk from the fridge. Louis walked into the kitchen shortly afterwards. His hair was a fucking mess and the prominent dark circles under his eyes made it evident that he was in dire need of more sleep. 

“Hey, lads.” Louis rasped. Harry added the sugar and milk to Louis’ cup and handed it to him. “Thanks, love.” Louis whispered. 

Harry smiled and grabbed his own tea, looking down into the cup and blushing. 

Niall leaned against the counter, crossing his legs at his ankles, and twirled his spoon around in his cup. “You look like you didn’t get much sleep last night.”

Louis took a sip and looked up at Niall. “Yeah, I slept pretty late. I’m running on, like, three hours of sleep or something like that.”

Niall nodded, flicking his eyes between the two boys. He then noticed the mark on Louis’ neck. It was obviously a love bite and it was so fucking noticeable, too. He couldn’t help but look down at his tea and quietly giggle.

“What’s so funny?” Harry asked with an annoyed tone.

“Nothing, it’s just-” He sniffled and let out another puff of air and said, “Just thought of something funny.” 

Louis closed his eyes for a moment while he took another sip and then set the cup down and said, “I’ve gotta piss.” 

Niall waited until he heard the restroom door close before he said, “So, Harry, you said you slept well?” 

“Yeah,” He cleared his throat. “Those air mattresses are quite comfortable.” 

“Are they, now?” 

“Mhm.” Harry raised his cup to take another sip.

“Are they more comfortable than Louis’ bed?” 

Harry halted his movements the second his lips met with the cup. He looked at Niall who carried a complacent smirk and was trying so hard not to laugh. He rolled his eyes and put the cup down on the counter. He crossed his arms again and, with amusing exaggeration, said, “Not nearly as comfortable, no.”

Then, he and Niall burst into laughter as Niall tried to steady his cup so as to not spill the tea (ha, ha). Harry blushed a bit and pinched the bridge of his nose as he kept his eyes closed and his smile present. 

“I can’t believe you,” Niall said in between laughs. “You left a massive love bite on his neck, you fucking dog.”

Harry gave him a cheeky grin and a small laugh. He shrugged and said, “I couldn’t help myself.”

Niall scoffed and rolled his eyes playfully as Louis walked back in. “What’s all the noise?” Louis asked as he grabbed his cup. 

Niall watched as Harry looked over Louis’ form, lips pressed together and eyes narrowed a touch. Louis maintained eye contact with Harry as he took a slow sip of tea. Niall had to turn around and face the kitchen window so that they don’t see how red he was turning from trying to hold in his laugh. 

“Right,” Louis started. “Someone make something to eat. I’m fucking starving.” 

\--

Before Liam and Zayn woke up, Harry had pulled Louis away and told him about the love bite. Louis rushed to the nearest mirror, looked at the enormous bruise, and said, “Christ, Harry.” He glared at Harry through the mirror and marched into his room, shutting the door behind him. Harry couldn’t help feeling a little smug about it. In his defence, Louis shouldn’t have pulled so hard on his hair. So, there’s blame on both sides here. 

Harry made sure to tell Niall to keep everything under wraps since he’s not really sure where he and Louis stand at the moment and whether Louis would be okay with that type of information being public. Niall promised to keep his mouth shut, but only if Harry told him every detail of what went down the night before. 

“You’re weird for wanting to know the details.” Harry laughed.

“Just spit it out already.” Niall said in a hushed tone. 

“We didn’t do anything crazy, so don’t get your hopes up.”

“Okay, but what  _ did _ you do?” Just then, a door opens and footsteps are heard making their way towards the living room. Niall groaned and said, “We’re not finished here. You better tell me later.”

\--

All of the boys were sat around the dining table enjoying the breakfast that Liam and Harry had prepared when Zayn looked at Louis and said, “Mate, what’s that?” 

Fuck. 

Louis had done such a good job hiding the love bite all morning. He had put a hoodie on just after Harry pointed it out to him and was constantly pulling the collar up to his chin. The collar slipped too low without him realizing and here he was with four pairs of eyes staring at him. 

“Um-” He said as he nervously pulled his collar back up. “‘S nothing.” 

“It’s a fucking love bite!” Zayn exclaimed, placing both of his hands on the table and leaning forward as he tried to get a good look at it. 

“No fucking way. Tommo?” Liam said in amazement. “Who gave you that?”

Harry looked down at his lap and started blushing. He was filled with a lot of satisfaction knowing he was the one who branded himself on Louis and he was really looking forward to the attention. Niall took a sip of his tea, naturally.

“Nobody you know. Just some bird I met through family.” Louis replied nonchalantly. 

Niall and Harry both looked at Louis as Harry’s smirk slowly faded and his face went slack and his lips parted slightly. Louis met his gaze as Harry tilted his head and furrowed his eyebrows. Louis looked back down at his plate as Zayn and Liam hounded him for answers. He was able to brush them off with a few scoffs and, eventually, they dropped the subject.

“Fucking legend.” Zayn said as he high-fived Louis. 

Louis met Harry’s eyes again and gave him a pleading look before Harry looked away and continued eating his food. Niall rested his arm on the back of Harry’s chair and gave his shoulder a light pat. Harry didn’t look away from his plate for the rest of that morning. 

When the boys were cleaning up the table, Niall pulled Louis aside and whispered, “That was fucked up, Lou.” 

Louis didn’t know what he was referring to, since he wasn’t aware that Niall knew about him and Harry, so he shook his head and asked what he was talking about. 

Niall didn’t answer him. He just went to console Harry.

\--

“Why’d you lie to them?” Harry asked. He was sitting cross-legged on Louis’ bed helping Louis fold some of his laundry. 

Just as the boys were heading out, Louis placed a hand on Harry’s shoulder and whispered, “Will you stay a little longer?” Harry had reluctantly agreed only because he really needed to ask Louis what the fuck was going on between them and what last night meant for their relationship. Were they just going to stay as friends after that? Or, like, are they going to give a relationship a go? Harry needed answers.

“Lie to who?” Louis asked. 

“To the boys. You lied to them about the love bite.” Harry said quietly. He folded one of Louis’ shirts and put it to the side. 

“Well, I couldn’t just tell them that you gave me it.” 

“And, why not?”

“Did you want me to tell them the truth?”

“I would have liked you to, yeah.” 

Louis didn’t respond for a moment. He wasn’t really sure what to say given that he thought the best thing to do, for Harry’s sake, was to respect his privacy. In truth, Louis wasn’t really sure what to do with the feelings he carried for Harry. He wasn’t sure what Harry wanted from him in regards to their exclusiveness. 

“Are you embarrassed?” Harry asked, looking down at his lap.

“Embarrassed? About what?”

“About me. About what happened last night. Are you embarrassed of me?” 

“Harry,” Louis sat down beside Harry and put his hand on Harry’s thigh. “I’m not embarrassed of you. Not at all. I’m just- I’m a little confused right now with all of this.” He gestured his free hand in between their bodies and continued, “I’m trying to figure it all out in my head. I’ve never done anything with a boy, but I’m not embarrassed of you in any way. Okay?”

“Okay,” Harry sighed, picking up another shirt and proceeding to fold it.

\--

As graduation approaches, the older boys were spending a lot more time studying for their final exams and finishing up the last bits of their coursework. The only time they all got to see each other was during lunch and it was a time of day that they all anticipated. Harry would always try to sit next to Louis. If he’d show up a little late, he’d make sure to sit across from Louis. Louis loved to play footsie with Harry. 

Liam and Zayn still had no clue about them and Niall was dying to spill the beans. Fortunately, he was able to talk to Gemma about it. Actually, he told Gemma about the sleepover, which annoyed Harry only because they were urging him to tell them what had happened that night. 

“Nothing happened.” Harry said as he directed all of his attention to the blue nail polish he was applying on his nails. 

“I didn’t even know Harry liked Louis. And, better yet, I didn’t know that Louis liked Harry, too. So, imagine my face when I saw them literally cuddling in his bed.” Niall laughed. “I wish you saw how big the love bite was, Gemma. It was fucking massive.” 

“Harry, you can’t tell me nothing happened. I don’t buy it for a second.” Gemma said. 

After they consistently barked at his ear, he finally turned around and said, “Okay! Shut up, I’ll tell you.”

Their ears perked up as they sat on Gemma’s bed anxiously waiting. Harry was looking through Gemma’s closet again, much to Gemma’s dismay, and pulling out clothing, assessing them, and then putting them back. 

“I told him I liked him and he told me he liked me. I gave him a love bite. That’s all.” Harry said, avoiding eye contact with the two.

“Okay, you don’t just give your friend a love bite. We want more.” Niall scoffed.

“Who made the first move?” Gemma asked. 

Harry looked at them and started to blush. He quickly looked away and shyly said, “I did.”

Their faces lit up as they jumped off of the bed and grabbed Harry’s shoulders. Gemma put her arm around his shoulders while Niall laughed. They both teased him about it for hours. Any time he received a text, whether it was from Louis or not (it always was), Gemma and Niall made sure to make loud kissy noises. Harry blushed every time. 

The thing was, Louis was always acting strange. When they were alone, he was such a gentle and loving person. But, the moment anyone else was in their presence, he almost pretended like Harry didn’t exist. There were so many times when they’d be walking together, brushing their pinky’s against one another’s, until someone they knew came around and Louis would pull his hand away and stuff it in his pocket. 

All of these little gestures hurt Harry. They made him feel really insecure about the relationship. He wasn’t afraid to tell people that he liked a boy, but it seemed like Louis was and the whole thing was affecting Harry so negatively. When he would bring it up, Louis would just use the same fucking excuse: “I’m just figuring it out in my head. Give me time.” 

Harry was a very understanding person. He’s been in that position, after all, so he knows what turmoil Louis must be going through. But, he was never this severe. 

Their first argument, among other first’s, occurred for that exact reason.

They were walking to Louis’ car with Zayn in tow. Louis wasn’t paying any attention to Harry and Zayn took the front seat, no questions asked. Louis didn’t even protest. Harry slammed the door of the backseat and angrily put his seatbelt on. 

Louis only spoke to him after they dropped Zayn off. “Aren’t you going to come up front?” Louis asked him. 

Harry rolled his eyes and unenthusiastically switched seats. As they were driving, Louis placed his hand on Harry’s thigh and asked, “Is everything okay?”

Harry didn’t reply. Instead, he looked out of the window and timed his breaths. 

“Harry?”

“You don’t want anyone to know about us, huh?”

“No, that’s not-”

“Whatever, Louis.”

Harry was gutted. He wanted to show Louis off to the world and he wanted that same energy reciprocated. He’s waited years to be in this position and, now that he’s here, it wasn’t fulfilling his desires. He felt like absolute shit and felt like he was incredibly naive to think that anyone would genuinely want to be as open about their love as he would. Even Louis squeezing his thigh wasn’t reassuring enough and only made Harry frustrated. 

_ Is there something wrong with me? Is there a reason why you don’t want to be open with me? _

When Louis parked in his driveway, he shut the car off and turned to Harry who still had his eyes fixed on the window. 

“Harry.”

“What?” Harry replied quietly. 

“Talk to me.”

“Oh,” Harry turned his head towards Louis, “Wait, let me make sure no one’s around before we talk.”

“Harry…” Louis sighed. “Stop.”

“Stop? Why?” He looked around mockingly and added, “Is someone here to see you interact with me? God forbid!”

“Stop that.”

“No.”

“Harry-”

Harry took off his seatbelt and went outside, walked up the porch and stood by the front door with his arms crossed and an angry expression splayed upon his face. Louis climbed out of the car and awkwardly walked up to the front door, unlocked it, and let Harry in. 

“I’m not done talking about this.” Louis said as he followed behind Harry. 

“Good, I’m not either.” Harry replied as he marched into Louis’ room. 

Louis closed the door and dropped his backpack on the floor as he took a seat on the bed. He rubbed a hand over his face and sighed. 

“I’m sorry.” Louis said quietly. Harry was standing by the door with his arms crossed staring intently at Louis. “It’s not that I don’t want to be seen with you, I’m just afraid to be seen with a boy. I’m afraid of what everyone is going to say about me- about you, too. I just- I like you a lot, Harry, and I want to be with you and I want to be able to hold your hand wherever we are, but I’m just afraid, okay? I’m so sorry.”

No matter how hard he tried, Harry just couldn’t stay mad at Louis. He uncrossed his arms and sighed. There was no way he could blame Louis for this. It’s not really easy to be in his position and have someone constantly pestering him about what he should and shouldn’t be doing. It wasn’t really Harry’s place to speak. 

“Come here.” Harry said. 

Louis slowly got up and walked over to Harry who had a sympathetic smile and looked up at him shyly. Harry wrapped his arms around him and rested his chin on top of Louis’ head. 

“I’m sorry, too.” He said. “I shouldn’t be forcing you to do anything you’re not ready to do. I’m sorry.” 

Louis sighed in contentment and squeezed Harry a little tighter. “Thanks.” He mumbled into Harry’s chest. “I do really like you, you know.” 

Harry pulled away, but still kept his hands wrapped around Louis, his fingers intertwining against Louis’ back as he held him close to his body. Louis looked up at him again with his stunning blue eyes and Harry was enamored of his beauty. His eyes danced around Louis’ face before they landed on his lips. He brought his hands up and cupped Louis’ face and whispered, “I really like you, too.” 

Louis licked and parted his lips as he stared up at Harry. Harry really wanted to kiss him. He  _ really  _ wanted to. He wanted to kiss Louis until they were both short of breath and he wanted to taste Louis on his tongue and he wanted to bite down on his lip and make him whimper because, fuck, Louis sounded so good when he moaned Harry’s name.  _ Slow down,  _ he thought. 

But Louis was staring up at him expectantly with those bright, pale eyes through those long, dark eyelashes and- Harry wanted to kiss him.

So, he did. 

Harry leaned down and placed a short, chaste kiss onto Louis’ lips. When he pulled away, he saw that Louis still had his eyes closed and his eyebrows raised. He had a small smile on his lips and when he opened his eyes, Harry felt so lucky and so fucking proud. Louis was absolutely breathtaking and Harry couldn’t believe he was actually holding him. He couldn’t believe he actually just kissed him. And he couldn’t believe how fucking great even that small kiss made him feel. 

“You’re so beautiful, Louis.” Harry said, caressing his thumb against Louis’ cheekbone. 

Louis placed his hand on the back of Harry’s neck and brought him back down for a deeper kiss. Their lips fit perfectly and they moved against each other with so much passion and want and neither of them dared to pull away. Harry lowered his hands down to Louis’ neck while Louis slid his free hand up and down Harry’s side and then pulled up the hem of Harry’s shirt as Harry lifted his arms up. 

They broke the kiss as Louis pulled Harry’s shirt over his head and kissed his way up from his chest back to his lips. 

Harry ran a hand through Louis’ hair as Louis parted his lips even more and swiped his tongue against Harry’s bottom lip. He pinned Harry to the door as Harry started to nibble on Louis’ bottom lip. 

Just then, the front door opened and closed but both of the boys were too engrossed in the moment to even acknowledge the footsteps coming towards the door. 

“Louis?” They heard. 

Harry tried to break the kiss, but Louis didn’t let him. He grabbed Harry’s throat and kissed him harder, drawing out a low moan from Harry’s bruised lips. Harry successfully broke the kiss when there was knocking at the door. Louis pressed his lips against Harry’s neck and groaned as Harry fisted at his hair. 

“Lou,” Harry whispered. “The door.”

“Louis? Are you in there?” It was Lottie.

Louis groaned again when Harry pulled at his hair, pulling his head back and glaring into his eyes. “Give me a minute.” Louis replied. 

Harry quickly grabbed his shirt and put it on as he tried to catch his breath. He looked over at Louis who was wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and blushed.

“That was,” Harry cleared his throat. “Really good.” He licked his lips and tried to fight a smile, but failed miserably as his dimples appeared. 

Louis smiled bashfully and nodded in a silent agreement before he reluctantly opened the door. He was surprised to see Lottie home so early since she usually gets home way later than Louis does. 

“Hey,” He said. He was still a little out of breath. “Why are you home so early?”

Lottie looked at Louis’ image and snorted. His disheveled hair and bruised lips were obvious signs that he had someone hiding in his room. And even the question he asked:  _ “Why are you home so early?”  _ There was clearly someone in there. 

Lottie giggled and said, “I’m not early. This is about the time I usually get home.” 

Right, time must’ve gotten away from Louis. Oops. He kept one arm on the door and the other on the doorframe while Harry stood silently behind the door, playing with his fingers and smoothing out the wrinkles in his shirt. 

“Is there something you need?” Louis asked in annoyance. There were much more important things he could be doing right now. He could be cleaning his room. Or even doing his homework. He could even be kissing Harry…

“I was going to make a sandwich and wanted to know if you’d like one?” Lottie asked as she tried to look inside Louis’ room. 

Louis shifted into her line of sight and said, “Yeah, that would be great. Thanks.”

Lottie stood there. She crossed her arms and gave him a smug smile and asked, “Does the person hiding in your room want a sandwich as well?”

Louis’ eyebrows shot up as he stood there absolutely dumbfounded. He heard Harry snort as he sighed and leaned his head back, looking on the other side of the door. Harry looked so fucked. His lips were even more plump and swollen than usual and his eyes were incredibly glossy. 

“Would you like a sandwich?” Louis asked with a fake smile. Harry nodded as he pressed his lips together and tried not to laugh. 

“The person in my room would also like a sandwich.” Louis said to Lottie and then shut the door right afterwards. They heard Lottie laugh and walk away and, finally, Louis rolled his eyes as Harry burst into laughter. 

\--

A few minutes later, after Louis and Harry got themselves in order (and shared another long kiss because “those jeans make your arse look so good, Lou”), Harry followed Louis out of the bedroom. Lottie turned her head in their direction just as Harry poked his head into the kitchen with a shy smile. 

“Hi.” Harry said with a slight blush and a small wave.

Lottie gave him a shocked expression and said, “Hey!” She walked over to him and took him into a hug. She looked over his shoulder at Louis, who had his hands stuffed in his pockets, and mouthed “oh my god” as he rolled his eyes and looked to the floor. “I haven’t seen you in ages. How’ve you been?”

“I’ve been good, yeah. You?”

They pulled away as Harry still carried the blush on his cheeks. “I’ve been good.” She replied with a smile. She decided not to question them and put them on the spot, but, God, did she want to. She loved to get on Louis’ nerves, but, for Harry’s sake, she decided to let him be. 

Of course, she wouldn’t leave Louis alone later that evening. And, no matter how hard he tried to get her off of his back, she was extremely persistent. She followed him around the house while he tried to ignore her. She even waited outside of the restroom door for him. 

“Don’t you have a fucking life?” Louis spat.

“Louis, come on!” She nudged his shoulder. “I promise I won’t tell anyone.”

“Yeah, you won’t because there’s nothing to tell.” Louis replied as he flipped a page from his textbook.

The night went on like this. And it was one of the longest nights Louis had ever lived. Eventually, he caved in and told her everything. He told her that he and Harry are kind of a thing, but he’s not totally sure what they are exactly. He told her about the sleepover and the love bite and the fact that they had their first kiss today and Lottie got in the way. 

Then, their conversation got more serious. She asked him what this all means in regards to his sexuality and, truthfully, he had no idea what it meant. He wasn’t sure where he stood. Being with Harry felt amazing. It was invigorating and fulfilling and he felt so incredibly happy when he was with him. But, was he gay? Was he bisexual? Did it really matter? Fuck, it was all so confusing. 

She told him to take his time and not to worry about it too much. She even went the extra mile and reassured him that their secret was safe with her. That’s when he told her about their argument. He told her everything while they both laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling. She took the time to assess both sides of the argument and told him that he shouldn’t be completely ignoring Harry when they're out and about, but, at the same time, Harry shouldn’t be pushing Louis into basically outing himself when he’s not ready.

“Do any of your friends know?” Lottie asked. 

“No, it’s just between Harry and I. Nobody knows.” Louis replied.

“Why haven’t you told them?”

“I’m just scared, Lots. I’m scared about what they’re going to say. I don’t know how they’re going to react.”

“They’re your friends, Lou. Of course they’ll be supportive.”

Louis thought about it. His friends weren’t the type to blatantly criticize people for their beliefs or actions. Maybe they’d be okay with the idea of Harry and Louis together. If he wanted anyone to know, it would definitely be the boys. 

So, the next day, Harry was sitting opposite to Louis at the lunch table when Louis brushed his leg against Harry’s while Liam was complaining about one of his final exams. Louis had this weird feeling wash over him as he smiled at Harry who was smiling back at him. He grabbed his bag of crisps, got up, and walked around the table until he was standing next to Harry. The boys were all looking up at him with confused expressions as Louis fitted himself between Harry and Niall. 

Louis looked at Harry with a genuine smile and placed his hand on his thigh, giving him a reassuring squeeze. He looked back at the other boys. Liam and Zayn awkwardly stared at him while Niall was smiling back at him. 

“Carry on, lads.” Louis said as he continued eating his crisps. 

Unexpectedly, as Harry was telling the boys about a book he had just finished reading, Louis threw his arm around Harry’s shoulder causing Harry to lose his train of thought. He looked at Louis’ arm, then to Louis, then to Niall who just raised his eyebrows at him. Louis even outdid himself and gave Harry a kiss on the cheek when the bell rang and told him he’d see him later.

Needless to say, Zayn and Liam questioned the fuck out of them later on.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this chapter is a bit short but the next one is gonna be good (at least I think it is)

If Harry thought things would be different after Louis’ public display of affection around the boys, then he was incredibly foolish. When they were with the boys, Louis was more open and comfortable. He would throw his arm around Harry’s shoulder, he would hug him and press his front to Harry’s back, resting his chin on his shoulder, and they would even kiss fairly often when around the boys. 

“Oi! Get a room, you two!” Liam would tease. 

Liam and Zayn were incredibly supportive of their relationship, or whatever it was, but Louis was annoyed because Harry didn’t tell him that Niall knew all along. 

“It’s not my fault you didn’t lock your bedroom door.” Harry defended. 

And that’s how their second argument started. 

“I wish you would at least let me know when you’ve told someone.” Louis said. 

“I didn’t tell him. He saw.” Harry retorted

“But, you knew that he knew.” 

“And? Why’s that such a big deal? It’s Niall, for fuck’s sake.” Harry said as he rolled his eyes. The rest of the boys sat awkwardly in their seats as they awaited for their food to arrive. Harry looked around at the helpless boys, turned back to Louis, and said, “Let’s not do this now.” 

Louis took a sip from his straw and directed his attention to Zayn before he said, “I’m going out for a smoke.” 

“Cheers.” Zayn replied as he slid out of the booth and trailed behind him. 

They stood in silence as Louis tried to cool off by taking long, slow drags from his cigarette. A couple minutes go by slowly when, finally, Louis says, “He’s so fucking stubborn.” 

Zayn throws his finished butt to the ground, steps on it, and gives Louis’ shoulder a pat before he goes back inside. Louis lit another cigarette. 

—

“Gemma knows, too.” Harry announced abruptly during their quiet and tense car ride back from the restaurant. 

“Great.” Louis sighed as he gripped the steering wheel tighter. 

“Before you say anything else, I told her I had a crush on you way before we did anything together. I’ve told her about most of the stuff that has happened between us, minus the details, obviously, only so she could give me advice. And Lottie knows, too. So, like… Yeah.” 

“Fair enough.” Louis replied. 

They let the low volume of the radio fill their silence for a while. They were both lost in their own thoughts and, for the first time, Harry felt so far away from Louis. 

“Are you still angry?” Harry asked in an extremely low voice. He tapped his fingers against his thigh as he waited in anticipation for Louis’ reply. 

“Just a bit annoyed.” Louis said. 

Harry bit his lip and studied the side of Louis’ still face. He displayed no emotion whatsoever. 

“I’m sorry, Lou.” Harry said shyly. “I’m sorry that I keep upsetting you.”

Louis never said it was okay. He didn’t say he forgave Harry because, in a sense, Louis had to take some of the blame as well. He shouldn’t be getting mad at Harry for being excited about their relationship (relationship?), but he’s so nervous that the information is going to fall into the wrong hands and both he and Harry are going to be absolutely fucked. Instead, he laid his open palm over the center console. Harry displayed a shy smile and placed his hand on top of Louis’ as they both interlaced their fingers with one another. Louis brought their hands up to his lips and kissed the back of Harry’s hand. He hopes the gesture will suffice for Harry’s apology. 

—

There were days where they felt so apart and days where they felt so connected and in tune with one another. Sometimes, Louis could tell that Harry was having a bad day and, on those bad days, he always had dark circles under his eyes. 

“Did you have another nightmare?” Louis would ask and Harry would nod, but he wouldn’t discuss the topic any further. “I wish I was there to hold you.” 

“Me too.” Harry would reply. 

Louis wanted to help Harry so fucking bad. He’d do anything for him, as pathetic as that sounds. He was willing to completely put his needs aside just to cater to Harry’s in a heartbeat. He wanted everything good for Harry because that’s what Harry deserves. And they’ve known each other for so long and having been best friends first, it’s hard for Louis not to care so much about him. 

He would hug Harry so tight, he’d hold his hand and give him reassuring squeezes every so often, and he would kiss him so passionately in hopes that Harry knew just how much Louis cared about him.

They were at Liam’s house one Saturday afternoon, sitting cross-legged on the grass facing each other, when Harry said, “I saw my grandpa.” 

Louis was perplexed by the sudden admission; It didn’t make any sense. “What do you mean?”

“I dreamt about him.” Louis took hold of Harry’s hand while Harry watched the other boys splashing each other in the pool. “He was just talking to me. Like, casually. As if nothing ever happened. But, like, I knew it was a dream. And that’s what scared me. I knew that he was gone and, when I told him that I recognized it was a dream, he told me to follow him.”

Louis squeezed his hand, “Did you follow him?”

“I wanted to.” He replied softly. Louis used both of his hands to start playing with Harry’s fingers. “Sometimes, I- I just don’t want to be here anymore. I guess following him doesn’t sound like a bad idea.” 

“Does that mean- Do you want to die, Harry?” Louis’ voice cracked. “Is that something you think about often? Should I be more worried?” 

Harry shrugged, still avoiding eye contact. “I just want to see him again. And, yeah, there’s no proof that, if I die, I’ll see him again… But, there are days where I’m more willing to take that risk than others.”

“Is today one of those days?”

Harry chewed on his lip and nodded. His vision blurred as tears slowly built up in his eyes before Louis wrapped both of his arms around Harry. Harry buried his face into Louis’ shoulder and shuddered. Louis held on tighter. 

“It’s okay.” Louis whispered, rubbing a hand against his back. “It’s alright.”

“I’m sorry.” Harry mumbled. 

But, what was there to be sorry for? Why was he apologizing? Thoughts like these…They come to so many people, he has no reason to apologize for them. Maybe it was the thought that he was hurting Louis by having revealed such truths that made Harry feel the need to apologize. He never wants to hurt Louis, but it seems like that’s all he ever does. He makes Louis mad about something and then does an awful job trying to fight back and then goes home later on, has a few drinks to try and cheer himself up, and then cries in the shower afterwards.

It was always that same cycle and he knows Louis’ going to be hurt when he finds out. 

—

They all received their cap and gowns just one month shy of their graduation ceremony and were all so eager to go home and try them on. 

“Which tie do you think would match my suit and the gown?” Louis asked as he placed a few ties over his chest in front of the mirror. 

“What colour is your suit?” Harry asked. 

They were in Louis’ bedroom while Louis was throwing ties all around the room and Harry was picking them up and placing them neatly on the bed.

“Navy blue. The gowns are white.” 

Harry hummed as he looked over all of the options. “You’ve got so many ties.” He noted. 

“Most of them are Mark’s.” Louis laughed. 

“Mark.” Harry said quietly. “I haven’t met Mark yet.” 

Louis went on about what a great guy Mark was and how much he loves the man. He looked up to Mark in so many ways. He was hardworking, family oriented, and self-assured. He praised him for what an all around amazing person he was and expressed how much he wanted to be like him. 

Harry picked up a few ties that would work well with the suit while Louis put the blazer on for reference. Harry stood behind him and held the ties in front of Louis. 

Louis was looking at Harry through the mirror while Harry was focusing on the ties and watched as Harry furrowed his eyebrows and let his tongue slip past his lips slightly as he tried to decipher which tie would work best. 

“Maybe red? Or, you could always stick to black-” Harry met Louis’ eyes through the mirror and saw that Louis was carrying an almost pained expression upon his face. “What?” 

“I’m going to miss you.” Louis said. He reached his hand up to cup Harry’s cheek. Harry leaned into the touch and closed his eyes.

He placed a kiss to the back of Louis’ neck and let his lips linger there for a moment before he rested his chin on his shoulder. “I’ll miss you, too. But, I’m willing to drive up and see you from time to time. You’ll only be a few hours away.” 

“And I can come down some weekends, too.” Louis said quietly. “We’ll make it work.” 

“Yeah.” Harry whispered. He placed a kiss on Louis’ cheek and held up a light blue tie. “This one matches your eyes.” 

Louis chose the light blue tie just to make Harry happy.

—

That night, Harry stayed for dinner because Mark was coming home early from work and Louis insisted that Harry stayed to meet him. It was all going so well… until it wasn’t.

The night started off fine. Mark came home shortly after Jay had finished cooking, with a little help from Harry of course. Louis introduced Mark and Harry and everything seemed to be going okay.

Harry offered out his hand and said, “Hi, Mr. Tomlinson, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Harry.” 

“Hello, Harry. It’s nice to meet you, too. Please, call me Mark.” He replied, taking hold of Harry’s hand and giving him a firm shake. 

Louis started telling Mark about all of Harry’s accomplishments, about how he is excelling in his A.P. courses and about his job at the bakery. “He makes a killer loaf of bread.” Louis teased. Mark laughed as Harry helped Jay and Lottie set up the table. He let out his own breathy laugh and blushed a bit. Lottie nudged Harry’s arm with her elbow and waggled her eyebrows at him any time Louis made Harry blush and that only made him blush  _ more. _

It wasn’t until they sat down for dinner when Mark noticed Harry’s nail polish, causing his entire demeanor to change. Mark went from a very bubbly character to a downright unpleasant presence.

No one had noticed, but Mark would scowl at Harry from time to time, especially when he was telling a story or a joke to the table. 

“Tell them the one about the cows. The one you told me at the sleepover that one time.” Louis said as he took a sip from his water. Harry giggled and shared his absurd joke. Louis rolled his eyes at how dumb it was but laughed anyways because watching Harry crack up at his own jokes were one of his favourite things in the world. 

Harry looked around the table at everyone giggling and then his eyes landed on Mark, whose face displayed a disapproving frown. Harry’s smile slowly faded as he looked down at his plate and continued eating very small portions of food. 

The night was filled with casual talk, but Louis could sense an odd change in Harry’s attitude. It was almost as if he had suddenly crawled back into his shell. Louis very subtly placed a hand on Harry’s knee and gave him a little tap. Harry cleared his throat in response and pressed his foot against Louis’. 

As they sat around and enjoyed each other’s company, Mark asked, “So, Harry, can I ask why you have nail polish on your nails?”

All eyes were on Harry and, for the first time in a long time, he didn’t want any of the attention. He slouched his shoulders and sunk a bit in his chair. 

“I just like the way they look.” He replied quietly. He was sporting lilac-coloured nails, but was now trying to hide them with the sleeves of his sweater.

“You know,” Mark started. He tapped one of his fingers against the table and wiped his mouth with a cloth. “There’s a reason why you only find nail polish in the women’s section at the shops.”

Louis’ hand on Harry’s knee stiffened as Harry’s eyes went wide. His first instinct was to look directly at Louis, who had the same dumbfounded face as Harry, and then he looked down at his plate again. Mark had resumed his meal as if everything was fine, but Lottie was flashing her eyes between him, Louis, and Harry. 

She waited for Louis to say something, but seeing as he was a bit tongue-tied, she cleared her throat and said, “I quite like his nails. I think the colour is lovely.” 

Harry looked up at her in amazement and gave her a shy smile before he bowed his head again and chewed on his lip.

“Yes, you’re a girl. It’s okay for you to like nail polish.” Mark retorted.

Louis was furious. How dare someone say something so awful to Harry.  _ His _ Harry. He was so enraged. He really wanted to speak up and say something, but he was so afraid of getting on anyone’s bad side. Why hasn’t his mum said anything yet?

Louis looked at Jay and noticed that she was looking at Mark with a grimace. He noticed that, when she and Harry made eye contact, she mouth “I’m sorry” to him. She looked to Louis and gave him a pleading look, but Louis looked away. He was so fucking upset with Mark. He started tapping his hand fervently on Harry’s knee until Harry placed his large hand on top of Louis’ and whispered, “It’s okay.”

Louis shook his head and looked back at Mark with disdain. 

When Jay offered to bring out the desert, Harry said he should be heading home since it was getting late, but everyone could sense that he was uncomfortable in the environment. Louis walked him out and apologized to him a million times for Mark’s comments. But, that wasn’t enough. Because Harry drove home fighting back tears and the moment he closed his bedroom door, he cried himself to sleep.

Later on that evening, Mark had just come home after picking up the rest of Louis’ siblings from a birthday party they were attending. He went straight to Louis’ room and shut the door behind him. Louis immediately sat up in bed and tried not to glare at him.

“You’re lucky that your younger siblings weren’t around. I would’ve been much more upset with Harry’s presence if they were there tonight.” Mark said with a disgusted tone. “I don’t want Harry coming around here anymore. He’s a bad influence to the little ones.”

Louis bit his tongue. He regrets it, but he bit his fucking tongue. He was a fucking coward. No, he was the biggest fucking coward to ever live. All he did was nod in acknowledgement and once Mark left the room feeling satisfied with himself, Louis grabbed his phone again and anxiously waited for Harry to reply to the mass amount of texts he had sent.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !   
> :D

Louis had Harry come over less often now. Harry hadn’t noticed, though, since he was spending more time studying for his final exams. Louis was thankful that Harry was so busy because that meant that there was a valid excuse as to why he wasn’t inviting Harry over anymore. 

That night when the clash between Mark and Harry occurred, Louis cried. He sat up with Lottie until two in the morning and cried out of embarrassment and frustration and Lottie tried so hard to console him, but even she was upset with the entire situation.

“He told me not to bring Harry around here anymore. What the fuck am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to tell him?” He cried.

“Fuck’s sake. All that over some bloody nail polish?” Lottie said with anger. “It’s literally not that big of a deal.”

“Do you think he’s asleep? I’ve texted him so many times since he left and he hasn’t responded. Do you think he’s okay? Should I go over to his house? Fuck, I don’t know what to do. I know how hard it is for him to express himself and I just know this fucked him up.”

After a long talk, she convinced him to stay put at home. She’s sure Harry was asleep by now and that he was obviously just as upset, if not more, about the situation as Louis was. She slept in his bed that night because he would not stop panicking and freaking out about Harry. She even hummed and rubbed his back as he laid on his side, curled up into a ball, and eventually dozed off. 

The next day, Harry showed up to school without nail polish.

\--

“Harry, can I paint your nails?” Louis asked shyly. He was sitting awkwardly on Harry’s bed as Harry was hunched over his desk working on one of his final papers. 

“No, it’s okay. I don’t think I want to paint them.” Harry replied quietly. 

Louis sat up more and said, “Please, Harry? I love when you paint your nails.”

It had been two weeks since the incident, and Harry had not painted his nails ever since that night. And seeing his bare nails always reminded Louis of the situation and always made him feel like shit. 

“I don’t think it’s a good idea, Louis.”

“I’m sorry about what Mark said.” Louis bowed his head and sighed.

Harry turned his head to the side. He sat back in his chair and nodded. “You don’t have to keep apologizing. It’s okay.”

“It’s not, though. What he said to you… It wasn’t right. He shouldn’t have said that and I’m so, so sorry.” Harry looked back down at his paper and chewed on his lip. He looked down to his nails with unsure eyes. “Can I please paint them for you? What colour would you like?”

A shy smile crept onto Harry’s face when he spun his chair and met Louis’ gaze. Louis looked at him with hopeful eyes and a smile of his own. He looked at his unpainted nails again and let out a long sigh. 

“Surprise me.” Harry said. 

Louis beamed. He smiled ear to ear as he quickly jumped off of the bed and hurried into the ensuite, grabbing the large bag that Harry kept all of his polishes in and dumping them all out on Harry’s bed. Harry watched him with a calm face. He studied the way Louis’ face hardened as he picked up every colour and looked it over with intense precision. Louis started making two piles of polish, Harry just watched in silence.

“So,” He watched Louis pick up two bottles of green nail polish. “You’re telling me these two colours aren’t the same?”

Harry scoffed. “They’re not the same. One is more of a viridian green and the other is more phthalo green.” Harry stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

“Right.” Louis said with a sarcastic nod. “Of course.” He chuckled and put both colours into the left pile.

Louis picked up a bottle of red polish and Harry watched as his face softened at the sight of it. He looked up at Harry for a few seconds and then back down to the polish. He cleaned up all of the bottles and put them neatly back into the bag and then patted on the bed. Harry slowly made his way to the bed while Louis repositioned himself to sit cross-legged. Harry followed the motion and softly placed his hands on Louis’ knees. Louis noticed that his hands were shaking.

“All right, love?” He asked as he unscrewed the bottle. Harry nodded, but Louis could hear his shaky breaths. “I’ve never done this before so bear with me.”

Louis did a decent job with the polish. He got a fair amount on Harry’s skin but, overall, he did alright. He applied the topcoat, upon Harry’s instruction, and then looked up at Harry who was still looking down at his nails.

“Why red?” Harry asked.

“It’s bright. It stands out. Catches your attention, you know?” Louis replied. Harry nodded, but still kept his hesitant eyes on his nails. Louis sighed and pressed his lips to Harry’s forehead. He let his lips linger against Harry’s skin before he pressed their foreheads together. “And because it’s my favourite colour.” Harry finally met his eyes when Louis backed away, but he didn’t smile. Louis tilted his head and pouted his lips. “Come on. Let me see those dimples.” Louis said with a playful tone. “Come on!” Louis started to pinch his cheeks. 

Harry tried to fight his smile, he tried so hard, but failed miserably. He very shyly smiled as a rose tint crept onto his cheeks. 

“There we go.” Louis smiled as he poked one of Harry’s dimples. “So cute.”

They spent a moment just looking at each other. Neither of them said a word as they were both lost in each other’s eyes. Harry glanced down at his vibrant nails again and whispered, “Thank you.”

\--

It was finals week and all of the boys were sitting around their table looking and feeling absolutely drained. All week, the older boys spent their mornings rehearsing their graduation ceremony while Harry obsessively studied all of his notes. They couldn’t wait for the school year to be over so that they could finally relax before they headed off to university. Harry was planning on spending as much time with the boys that summer as he could, since he’s not sure how often he’s going to get the chance to see them once they’ve moved.

Zayn got accepted to a very prestigious university of arts in New York so he’s been impatiently waiting until he gets to move. Liam and Louis got accepted to universities that were about two hours away from home and Niall was accepted to one only an hour away. Harry was so proud of his friends and made sure to constantly relay his pride towards them.

While Harry was looking down at his chipped red nails, Niall asked, “Are you lads going to Michael’s party next Friday? It’s right after the graduation ceremony.”

Liam, Zayn, and Louis were buzzing with excitement about the party. 

“Yeah, I heard it’s going to be fucking sick. He’s having it at his mum’s place. She’s got a mansion or something.” Zayn said.

While the boys were excitedly talking about the party, Harry chimed in with, “Can I come?”

Niall shrugged and said, “I don’t see why not.”

“It’s an all-seniors party, but I reckon we can sneak you in.” Louis grinned as he threw his arm around Harry’s shoulder. 

“I didn’t think you were one for parties.” Liam said. 

“I just want to spend as much time with you lot as possible.” Harry said.

\--

It was graduation day and, unfortunately, Harry couldn’t spend the morning with the boys since he had to take his last final exams. The boys, however, had the day off so that they could prepare for their ceremony later on that evening. They had been planning to surprise Harry that day since he only had to take two exams and then he could head home early for the day. Niall picked up all of the boys that afternoon and they went off to the bakery that Harry works at to buy a box of Harry’s favorite pastries and an iced coffee. 

Any normal group of students would be at home right now probably being lazy and enjoying their day off, but this group of students wanted to make their graduation day as exciting for Harry as it was for them. Louis even bought Harry a bouquet of different coloured roses from a small shop and very shyly walked back to the car as the boys cooed. 

They waited outside of Harry’s classroom door for about ten minutes watching students coming out of the class and sighing in relief. Each time the door swung open, all of the boys excitedly looked up only to be let down again. Finally, though, Harry emerged from those pale blue doors and slung his backpack over his shoulder. 

All of the boys shouted in excitement when they saw him and rushed towards him. Harry looked up with a bemused expression but he quickly sported a happy face when he realized who was coming towards him. The scene was filled with laughter and a few oi, oi’s and Harry couldn’t stop smiling.

Liam put the box of pastries in his hands and Zayn held the iced coffee up to his eye level and Niall was just laughing the entire time. Louis was standing there with the roses in his hands and smiling at how happy Harry looked. He looked like he had tears forming in his eyes from smiling so big and laughing so much. The boys all patted his back and congratulated him on getting through his finals when Niall shouted, “Tommo, get in here!”

Louis took a timid step forward as Harry directed his attention to him. He looked down at the flowers and a small gasp left his lips. He smiled at Louis with stars in his eyes as Louis said, “Um- we got these for you. We’re all really proud of you.” 

Harry lunged himself at Louis and wrapped his arms tightly around Louis’ neck, nearly crushing the flowers between their bodies. Louis laughed and slung his free arm around Harry before he nudged his nose into Harry’s hair. Harry held onto Louis’ neck as he peppered kisses all over his cheeks. 

Louis blushed and tried to pull himself away from Harry because the boys started teasing them and Louis couldn’t take all of the attention anymore. Harry spared him and let go and happily accepted the roses and coffee. 

“What do you say, boys, should we head over to the table one last time?” Niall asked.

Louis had one arm around Zayn’s shoulder and the other around Harry’s as they all walked to their beloved lunch table. They sat around and ate the pastries together and shared their favourite memories about their last four years of school. 

They talked about their plans regarding the party after the graduation and Liam said that he was willing to be the designated driver for them and that he’d come around and pick all of the boys up later that night. 

Though, Harry had some plans of his own to work out. He wasn’t sure if he should tell his mum that he was going to a party that night or if he should lie and tell her that he was sleeping over at one of the boys’ houses. He decided that the best thing would be to just tell her the truth. He was going to be with the boys, anyway, so he would be safe. She reluctantly agreed but it took a lot of convincing. “Don’t wait up for me, though. I’m not sure when I’ll get home.” He had said.

He also had to stop by a flower shop on his way home so that he could get flowers for all of the boys as a small gift for their graduation. Lottie said she’d be willing to keep him company on the bleachers during the ceremony since she doesn’t feel as though Harry would be comfortable around Mark and that he’d be sitting alone the entire time if she wasn’t with him. And, when the time for the ceremony came, all of the boys were sitting in their reserved seats with their classmates and occasionally looking around to wave at each other while their principal and staff gave speeches. 

Harry looked absurd as he sat there with four large bouquets of flowers in his hands while Lottie sat next to him with just one bouquet on her lap. They cheered for all of the boys together and Jay had brought along a camera to record them walking up on stage to pick up their diplomas. 

When the ceremony was over and the guests were allowed to join the students on the field, Lottie said she was going to look for Louis while Harry went off to find the rest of the boys. He found Niall first and spent some time with him and his family before Liam came up and took both of them in a hug. 

They went off and found Zayn shortly afterwards who was hugging his mum. Harry had given the three of them their bouquets already and was anxiously holding onto the last one as he constantly looked around for Louis. The boys jumped around in excitement as they gave high fives and hugs to a few of their classmates. Then, Harry spotted Louis. And it was almost like everything was in slow motion. 

Louis was carrying one of his younger siblings and hugging his mum at the same time. All of his siblings were smiling up at him as he took turns embracing them. While he was hugging Lottie, he looked up and coincidentally met Harry’s gaze and a big smile formed across his face. He watched as Louis exchanged a few words with his family and then started making his way over to the boys. 

Harry nudged Niall’s arm as Niall looked over at Louis. “Boys!” Louis shouted, making Liam and Zayn snap their heads in his direction. They watched as he walked over to them with his gown unzipped (Harry’s heart jumped when he noticed that Louis was wearing the light blue tie) and his arms stretched outwards. “We did it, boys!”

All of the boys ran over to him and they all embraced one another, patting each other on the backs and screaming out in joy.

They took a bunch of photos together. Niall, the self-titled Selfie King, took most of their selfies while they had Zayn’s mum take a few group photos of them. 

\--

The party itself was a shitshow. Upon their arrival, most of their classmates were already drunk off their arses or high as fuck. The music blasting through the speakers wasn’t any good, either. Harry stuck by Louis’ side the entire time while Niall, Liam, and Zayn ventured off to God knows where. 

“Want something to drink?” Louis shouted over the music. Harry nodded and held onto Louis’ bicep as they maneuvered their way around all of the sweaty, dancing bodies. When they got to the kitchen, there were a few people from Louis’ classes to which he greeted with a nod and a quick pat on the back. He turned to Harry and asked, “Have any preferences?” 

“Anything will do.” Harry replied.

Louis looked through the cabinets until he found shot glasses and then grabbed a bottle of tequila and poured a shot for the both of them. They raised their glasses, clinked them together, and downed the tequila in one motion. Harry winced when the tequila went down his throat and then breathed out cool air from his mouth. 

“Here,” Louis started as he grabbed a nearby salt shaker. “Lick the back of your hand like this.” Louis licked a small strip on his hand as Harry followed. Then, he poured salt on the wet strips. “Take a lick of the salt and then take the shot.” Louis instructed as he refilled their glasses. “Ready?” 

Harry nodded and had an eager smile on his face. He mimicked Louis’ movements, licking the salt from the back of his hand and then drinking all of the contents from the glass. It tasted so much better with the salt and went down a bit smoother. 

“Good?” Louis asked. 

“Yeah, pour another.” Harry said.

They took five shots together, but the buzz didn’t hit them until they were back in the car, only thirty minutes into the party, heading off to another party with the boys. 

“A friend of mine said there’s a party just a few blocks from here. I heard it’s much bigger and the vibe is better.” Zayn said as he texted his friend for the address. Harry and Louis were the only ones who were buzzing since Niall and Zayn were more focused on chatting up some girls rather than actually getting something to drink. The entire car ride, Harry had his hand on Louis’ upper thigh while Louis held him close with an arm slung around his shoulders. 

Every now and then, Harry would look at Louis’ lips and lick his own. He wasn’t sure if it was the tequila or if it was the fact that Louis looked so fucking hot that night, but Harry was  _ so _ turned on. Louis would smirk at him, but wouldn’t indulge him with a kiss. Fucking tease. He hadn’t shaved in about a week so he was sporting some stubble and Harry was so worked up about it. He looked so fucking good.

They get to the second party and see that the house is bigger and a little less crowded than the first one. They stuck around together for a bit before everyone started wandering about. Harry pulled on Louis’ arm and kept insisting that they get more drinks and who was Louis to shy away from another round?

They found the kitchen and were met with a good amount of people standing around drinking and talking. Louis spotted a bottle of tequila and asked someone if there were any shot glasses around. Louis and Harry then found themselves taking shots with the few strangers beside them, but everyone was having a good time and the vibe was alright. Harry had his arm looped around Louis’ and was leaning against him as his legs started to feel a bit unsteady.

“Do you want to take a break, love?” Louis asked. 

“No, Lou, I’m having fun!” Harry beamed with glossy eyes. “One more, pretty please?” 

“Last one.” Louis said as he poured Harry his last shot. Harry watched as one of the girls they were drinking with cut a few slices of lemon and handed one to both him and Louis. “Right, this time we’re going to take the shot and then bite the lemon, okay?” Louis talked lowly in his ear and the rasp in his voice was driving Harry crazy. 

Harry took the shot without waiting for Louis. He grabbed his wrist and brought Louis’ lemon to his mouth and took a bite, all the while maintaining eye contact with Louis and licking his lips provocatively afterwards. Louis stared back at him with a blank expression and bit the inside of his bottom lip as he watched Harry swipe his thumb over the side of his mouth, gathering some of the excess lemon juice, and then pressing his thumb against his lips, sucking on the extra juice. He smirked at Louis and blinked slowly at him, the fucking minx.

The drinks were slowly getting to Louis as his vision of Harry would get misty every so often, but he saw Harry approaching him and all Louis could do was let Harry pin him against the kitchen counter. Harry began kissing Louis’ neck while Louis still held onto his shot glass and looked around the hazy room. 

He wanted to push Harry off because people were starting to look, but Harry’s warm tongue on his skin and the vibrations of his groans on Louis’ throat made him refrain from doing such a thing. Instead, he ran his fingers through Harry’s long hair and gasped when Harry bit down on his neck. Harry licked over the area and pulled away, looking into Louis’ eyes while he tried to catch his breath. Louis took his shot and Harry wasted no time connecting their lips together. He tasted the alcohol on Louis’ lips and on his tongue and it made him grow even more hungry for Louis. He took Louis’ bottom lip between his teeth and pulled away slightly before diving back in and kissing him harder. He wanted  _ more. _

Louis pulled away shortly after to take a breath, his hand pressed to Harry’s chest, when Harry took hold of it with both of his own and asked, “Do you want to go dance?” 

Before Louis could respond, Harry was already pulling him out of the kitchen. Louis wasn’t much of a dancer, really, but he didn’t dare to stop Harry when he pressed his bum to Louis’ crotch and swayed to the beat. 

\--

The night went on like this. Niall, Zayn, and Liam talking and dancing with girls while Louis and Harry got hammered and danced together. Louis decided that they were done drinking for the night, but Harry kept protesting that the night was still young. And he wasn’t wrong, though, since it was only eleven at night, but Louis still wanted to make sure that Harry would be at least a little sober by the time he got dropped off at home.

After dancing with Harry for what felt like an eternity, and growing half hard with the way Harry was grinding against him and clinging onto him, Louis took a seat on a couch that faced the dancers. He slung his arms along the back of the couch and threw his head back and closed his eyes. He’s not sure how long he sat there with his eyes shut, but when he looked up, Harry was gone. He looked around and started to get a bit worried until he heard, “Lou!” 

Louis turned his head and saw Harry walking towards him with an excited smile. He dropped himself down on the couch beside Louis and threw his right leg over Louis’ lap and said, “Guess what? Someone offered me a joint.” 

“Yeah?” Louis replied. He rubbed his hand slowly up and down Harry’s thigh. After being at the party for nearly two hours, it was safe to say that the boys didn’t know anyone there and nobody knew them so Louis felt more comfortable flirting with and touching Harry without having to worry about who saw. It was nice to feel free for once.

“Mhm.” Harry smiled. He reached into one of the pockets on his flannel and pulled out a joint. An actual fucking joint. 

Louis looked at it and then back at Harry with a bewildered expression. “Wait, you actually took it?” 

“Well- Yeah, he offered.” Harry looked at the spliff in amazement. “Can we smoke it, Lou?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea-”

“Hey, guys.” Zayn said as he walked over to the couch with a drink in one hand and a girl under his arm. They sat down on the couch together when Zayn noticed the joint. “Alright, lads, are we lighting up?”

All Harry had to do was beg. And begging he did. Louis reluctantly took the joint from him and put it between his lips. He fished out his lighter and proceeded to light it while Harry watched in amazement. Louis has only gotten high a few times in his life and all of those times were, by no coincidence, with Zayn. Even so, he wasn’t planning on getting high tonight, he’d just take a few puffs and call it quits. 

He took the first puff and held the smoke in his lungs for a moment and then blew it out slowly. Harry observed him with great exhilaration as Louis took another easy drag. He watched Louis’ cheeks hollow and chest rise as he took in the smoke, he felt hypnotised by the scene. Louis turned to him and saw how mesmerized Harry looked as he studied Louis’ actions. He took hold of Harry’s face with one hand and leaned in, squeezing his cheeks so that Harry’s lips parted, and then blew the smoke directly into Harry’s mouth. Harry closed his eyes and inhaled the pungent smoke before he felt Louis’ lips against his own. 

Their lips moved softly against each other while Louis blindly passed the joint to Zayn. Zayn smoked a bit but the girl Zayn was with refused the offer so the joint was handed back to Louis after Zayn took another drag. He looked up at Harry, who had stars in his eyes, and asked, “Are you sure you want to do this?” Harry nodded eagerly but Louis was still questioning his morals. He didn’t want to enable Harry in any way. But, before he could think twice, Harry grabbed his wrist and brought the joint closer to him and took it between his lips. He took a long drag of the spliff and leaned back on the couch.

“Don’t hold it in for too long-” Louis started, but was cut off by Harry breaking into a coughing fit.

Louis passed the joint to a laughing Zayn and said, “You can finish it off, mate.” He started laughing a little, too.

Harry coughed until he had tears in his eyes so Louis pulled him up and took him back to the kitchen where he grabbed a bottle of water and had Harry take sips from it while he giggled at Harry’s image. His face was red, cheeks flushed, forehead sweaty, and eyes watery as he tried to stop coughing.

“Stop laughing.” Harry groaned. “‘S not funny.” 

Louis laughed more now because Harry crossed his arms and frowned like a little fucking kid. “I’m sorry, baby. You were just so excited to try it- I’m sorry.” He said in between laughs and pulled Harry into a hug and rubbed his back slowly.

“My throat hurts.” Harry mumbled into Louis’ neck. Louis squeezed him a little tighter. 

“You’ll be okay, love.” 

Harry breathed in Louis’ scent and sighed in contentment. “I like when you call me that.” 

“Call you what? ‘Love?’” 

“No, ‘baby.’” 

Louis started to sway them slowly. He was starting to sober up which was good considering it seemed like he had to keep a watchful eye on Harry at all times. “You’re my baby.” He said in a soft tone. “You’re my big baby.” He teased. Harry hummed in satisfaction.

“Can we get something to drink?” Harry asked. 

“No.”

—

At about two in the morning, Liam started gathering up the boys so they could head home. Louis had done an okay job at keeping Harry at bay, but Harry was able to sneak off and grab a few drinks from the kitchen every now and then, though, and Louis rolled his eyes and scolded him for his behavior each time. Harry always responded with a kiss on Louis’ cheek and ran away from him. He was an actual child and, by the end of the night, Louis was fucking knackered.

He guided Harry to the car while the other boys trailed along and laughed at Harry’s state. Niall had drunk a fair amount of beer, but the Irishman knew how to hold his own and keep his composure while Zayn was still a little hazy from the weed and Liam was as sober as a judge. Harry had his head resting on Louis’ shoulder the entire time as the smooth car ride was threatening to lull him to sleep. They dropped off Niall first and then went to Harry’s. 

“I’ll make sure he gets upstairs and into bed. You guys go on.” Louis said as he undid Harry’s seatbelt. 

“Are you sure, mate? We don’t mind waiting for you.” Liam replied.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll take Harry’s car home and bring it back tomorrow. Go on.” Louis helped Harry out of the car and steadied him. 

“Bye, boys!” Harry exclaimed while waving both of his hands, making Liam and Zayn laugh as Louis shushed him. They drove off as Louis wrapped an arm around Harry’s back and threw Harry’s arm over his shoulder and walked him sloppily up the porch.

“Have you got your keys?” Louis asked.

“They’re in my pocket.” Harry said as he comically pointed at the front pocket of his flannel. Louis reached in and pulled out a set of keys. Harry squirmed a bit when Louis dug into his pocket. “Hey, save it for inside.”

“What?”

“You flicked my nipple, you dirty boy.” Harry teased as he wrapped both of his arms around Louis’ neck. Louis begged Harry to let him go as he struggled to get the key into the hole. “Dirty, dirty boy.” Harry repeated and giggled. 

Louis managed to pry him off and successfully unlocked the door. “Harry, I’m going to need you to stay as quiet as you can. We don’t want to wake anyone up, right?”

“Right.” Harry agreed with a lopsided grin.

Louis opened the door and guided Harry in. Harry widened his eyes and pressed his index finger to his mouth, silently telling Louis to keep quiet. Louis shook his head with a fond smile and helped him walk up the stairs. The moment they stepped into Harry’s room, Harry plopped face first down onto his bed. Louis sighed, rolled him over, and helped him sit up.

He took off Harry’s flannel and his boots and said, “Arms up.” Harry lifted his arms and looked up at him innocently as Louis pulled his shirt over his head. “Do you want a shirt or do you prefer to sleep without one?”

“Without.” Harry slurred. He stood up and grabbed Louis’ arm for support and, once he was balanced, he undid the button and zipper of his jeans and dragged them down to his ankles. He obnoxiously kicked them off of his feet and let them land on the floor while Louis dug around in a drawer for some sweats that Harry could wear to sleep. Harry planted himself behind Louis and kissed the back of his neck gingerly. Louis continued searching for the bottoms when he felt Harry’s arms snake around his body. He leaned back a little so that their eyes could meet and smiled up at him.

He pulled out a pair of sweats and spun around in his arms when Harry placed his hand on Louis’ bum and gave him a hard squeeze. Louis jumped a little and laughed, trying to push Harry away. 

“Kiss me, Lou.” Harry said quietly.

“Put these on.” Louis replied as he pressed the sweats to Harry’s chest.

“Kiss me.” Harry repeated with a frown.

“Put these on and I will happily kiss you.”

Harry huffed and took the sweats aggressively out of Louis’ hands and put them on with a light struggle. “There. Now kiss me.” Louis indulged him and brought his lips up to Harry’s for a short kiss. Upon pulling away, Harry said, “That’s it? That was, like, one second!” 

“Get to bed.” Louis smirked as he wriggled his way out of Harry’s arm and pulled the duvet back. Harry made no effort to move and instead crossed his arms and glared at Louis. Louis sighed and exasperatedly said, “Harry, please come lay down.”

With a few more pleads, Harry stumbled over to the bed and unenthusiastically laid down. Louis pulled the duvet up to his chin and ran a hand through Harry’s fringe. He leant down and gave Harry another small kiss and then grabbed the car keys from Harry’s nightstand and went over to the door.

“Where are you going?” Harry asked as he sat up in bed. “You’re leaving?”

“Yeah, I was going to head home.” Louis replied softly. 

“Won’t you stay?” Harry pouted. Louis stood by the door with his hand on the knob while Harry looked at him with an imploring look. He thought about it and took into consideration how tired he was. He wouldn’t mind staying over. He also took into consideration the fact that Harry has a twin bed. “Please?”

When Harry saw Louis kick off his shoes, a big smile grew on his face. He watched Louis fumble around the room as he grabbed a pair of sweats for himself and a T-shirt. He shut off the lights and laid down in the bed as Harry laid half of his body on top of Louis’. Louis folded one arm behind his head and let the other rest on Harry’s back.

“Thanks for staying. Goodnight, Lou.”

“Goodnight, baby.” 

Louis finally closed his eyes and sighed in relief. He couldn’t wait to fall asleep after such a long fucking day. He literally graduated that same day, but it already felt like the ceremony was ages ago. Suddenly, he felt Harry’s hand go under his shirt and slowly inched its way higher and higher up his torso.

“Harry,” Louis groaned. “Go to sleep.”

Harry didn’t listen. He placed lazy kisses on Louis’ neck and then shifted his body so that both of his knees were now on either side of Louis’ body. Louis was really looking forward to getting some actual sleep that night, so Harry’s advances were not even the slightest bit pleasurable. Harry mumbled something in between his sloppy kisses, but Louis wasn’t able to decipher what he said.

“What was that?” He asked. 

Harry pulled away and sat up. Placing both of his hands on Louis’ clothed chest, he whispered, “I want you to fuck me.”


	20. Chapter 20

“I want you to fuck me.” Harry whispered.

Louis froze. It was like the earth had stopped turning and time was at a stand still. His eyes were wide as he looked at Harry in awe and tried to steady his breaths. He had never heard such vulgar language come out of Harry’s lips and, if it were any other day, Louis wouldn’t hesitate to satisfy his request. But Harry was drunk and Louis wasn’t going to take advantage of his inebriation, even if Harry was asking Louis to bed him.

“What?” Louis asked. He had clearly heard Harry, but it was the only thing his racing mind could come up with.

“Fuck me.” Harry breathed, reaching down to plant kisses along Louis’ jawline.

Louis shook his head and said, “No.”

Harry pulled back, his eyes glossy and hooded. “No?”

“No.”

“Why not?” Harry pouted. “I’ve bought condoms and everything-”

“You’re drunk. I’m not doing this with you unless you’re sober.” Louis said. He put his hands on Harry’s hips and tried to push him off, but Harry wouldn’t budge.

“But- But, I want you to.” Harry said quietly.

“I don’t care,” Louis stated firmly. “And I’m done talking about this.”

Harry sat there and stared down at Louis. His head was spinning and his eyelids were heavy and his stomach started to churn. His face displayed no emotion while Louis looked a bit irritated and Harry wasn’t sure what to do at that point. Why didn’t Louis want to fuck him? He’s literally asking him to… and Louis’ turning him down? He started feeling a little insecure and unsure of himself, but that was short lived since his jaw started to tingle and that’s when he realized that he was going to be sick.

“I’ve got to throw up.” He said as he quickly climbed off of Louis and stumbled to the en suite. Louis rushed into the restroom behind Harry and immediately bent down on his knee and held Harry’s hair back. He rubbed his back as Harry emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet.

_ This was good, _ Louis thought,  _ after he finishes, he’ll start to sober up and finally be able to fall asleep. _

He was wrong. 

After nearly five minutes of being doubled over, puking into the toilet, Harry sat back on his knees, threw his head back, and closed his eyes as he tried to catch his breath. Louis just watched. As tired as he was, he still continued to rub Harry’s back and gather the long strands of his hair back into his fist. 

“Fuck,” Harry muttered. He cleared his throat and added, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright, love. This is good, anyway.” Louis replied. His voice was so groggy at that point.

“No, I meant about asking you to fuck me.” Harry said, eyes still closed and head still thrown back. Louis watched his chest heave up and down. He watched Harry’s Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. He studied the eyelashes that beautifully draped over his cheekbones. He watched his lips part ever so slightly as he let out a long, slow breath. 

“Right- yeah.” 

Harry opened his teary eyes and carefully stood up. He went to the sink and washed his face with ice cold water, shuddering when the coolness hit his radiating face. He cupped some water in his hands and brought it up to his mouth so that he could gargle away the foul taste in his mouth. He turned around and leaned against the sink, water dripping from his face, making his eyelashes clump together, pooling at his chin and dripping onto his shirt, and looked down at Louis. He was still knelt down on the floor staring tiredly up at Harry. Harry just knew how to fuck everything up, didn’t he? He knew when to ask the wrong questions and never knew how to read the room. He really knew how to piss Louis off, and he hated himself for that.

His head wasn’t spinning as much, but now he just felt utterly drained. He tried to run through all the events from their night out and the only parts he can account for were showing up to the first party, taking shots in the kitchen, and then arriving at the second party. And overall, just minor details… Oh, and of course asking Louis to fuck him. What the fuck?

“Should we- um. Should we head to bed, then?” Louis asked quietly. He could tell that Harry was lost in deep thought with the way his eyebrows were knitted and his face looked like he was in complete anguish. He slowly made his way to his feet and took hold of Harry’s hands. Harry opened his unsure eyes and gave him a small nod. 

Louis grabbed a small towel and gently dried Harry’s face. He put the towel on the sink and reached out to caress his knuckles along Harry’s cheek with a soft smile. Harry looked at him with those same hesitant eyes that Louis hates. He hates them because they scare him. And they scare him because every time Harry had that look in his eyes, Louis knew that Harry was in some sort of pain. Whether it was literal or figurative, Louis never wanted Harry to be in any kind of pain. 

“I’d kiss you right now, but I just  _ know _ that your breath is stinky.” Louis playfully remarked.

And, once Harry chuckled, Louis led him back to bed and laid down first, since Harry loved to sleep on his stomach and use Louis as a pillow, and carded his fingers lightly through Harry’s hair. He knows how much it soothes him when he plays with his hair.

“Louis?” Harry said, his cheek pressed against Louis’ chest, his head slowly rising along with Louis’ intake of breaths. Louis hummed in response, so Harry continued. “Was that the only reason?” He asked quietly.

“What are you talking about?” Louis asked.

Harry swallowed thickly. He mindlessly tapped a finger against Louis’ chest and said, “Is there another reason why you don’t want to fuck me?”

Louis sighed and that alone wanted to make Harry burst into tears. Did he manage to somehow fuck up  _ again? _ Louis kept his fingers in Harry’s hair and twirled a strand between two fingers. He shook his head, even though Harry couldn’t see, but that wasn’t his answer. He just couldn’t believe how fast Harry could go from being self-assured and overly confident to closed-off and precarious. Sometimes, Louis missed that shy, timid boy he met years ago. Don’t get him wrong, he loved how confident Harry had grown. But, there were days where Harry’s true self would peek beyond the surface and those were days where Louis felt like he had to keep Harry close. Closer than ever before. Because those were days where Harry would let his mind consume him. Those were days where Harry would be anxious about every little thing and those were days where he would question their relationship and worry about their future.

“That’s not the only reason.” Louis whispered. He traced a finger along Harry’s spine, up and down slowly, and waited for Harry to meet his eye. “Look at me.” He added. 

Harry very cautiously tilted his head up and, there it was, that same look in his eyes that Louis hated with so much passion. He used his hand to push Harry’s hair back and then placed that same hand on his cheek, running his thumb back and forth. 

“That’s not the only reason.” Louis repeated, but, this time, he carried a small smile, his face soft. 

“What’s the other reason?” Harry asked with a tremulous voice.

Louis’ smile grew as he looked down at Harry with so much fondness, you’d think he was madly in love (and, maybe he was. He hasn’t thought that far ahead, though).

“I’d want our first time to be more special than just a drunken fuck. You mean a lot to me, Harry, and I’d want you to be fully present when that time comes.” Louis explained. “I’d want you to be able to relive it in your mind.” He added with an amused tone, widening his eyes playfully.

Harry chuckled lightly and said, “You think you’re that good, hey? You think I’m going to replay it in my head?”

“Oh, I’ll make sure of it.” Louis smirked.

“But, that doesn’t answer my question. That’s just you acknowledging the fact that I’m drunk.” Harry argued.

“Right- um,” Louis started chewing on his lip. “Truth be told, I’m a little scared.”

“Scared?”

“Yeah.”

“What are you scared of?” 

Louis took in a deep breath and said, “Taking that next step. I know I come off as pretty confident and all that, but- I’m kind of weird about it. I don’t know how to explain it, really, but I get shy in bed, sometimes.” Harry took hold of his hand and gave it a squeeze. The right side of his mouth curved upwards as he watched Louis fumble around his words. “And I don’t want you to think I don’t want to do it with you. I do... And I- I don’t want to hurt you in any way. ‘Cause, like, it’s going to hurt, you know? I don’t want to hurt you.” Louis stuttered his way through his answer without meeting Harry’s gaze. 

He’s only slept with a handful of people, maybe not even a handful, but they were all girls. He’s not sure what to expect or if there is anything different to expect, really, but he wants to do a shit ton of research before he does this with Harry. He doesn’t want to disappoint him.

“I’m scared, too.” Harry whispered.

“Why?”

“It would be my first time.”

“With a boy?”

“With anyone.”

Louis laid there in shock as he processed what Harry had said. They’d never talked about it before, but Louis never would’ve guessed that Harry was still a virgin. Not that it mattered to Louis, but it sort of scared him even more. Now, he  _ really _ didn’t want to disappoint Harry.

“Oh,” Louis responded. “That’s okay.”

“I want you to be my first.” Harry stated boldly. “I trust you.”

“You trust me?”

“Of course. I’ve never felt this way about anyone and I’ve never wanted this more with anyone else.” Harry said softly.

“I feel the same way.” Louis said as he brought Harry’s fingers up to his lips and kissed the pads. “Now, for the love of God, will you stop talking and let me sleep? Your breath is horrendous.” 

Harry giggled and clutched Louis a little tighter, lowering his gaze and closing his eyes. 

_ Finally, _ Louis thought.

“One more thing,” Harry said quietly. Louis ran a hand over his face and groaned. “What are we?”

“Hm?”

“What are we? Like, are we exclusive or... are we not? I’ve been meaning to ask…”

Louis kept his eyes closed and his face still. He’s been meaning to ask, too, and this feels like as good a time as any even though he desperately wants to sleep.

“I’d love it if we were exclusive.” Louis answered.

“Me too.” Harry replied with a small smile.

They laid in silence for a while. Harry still had his eyes open, staring at the moonlight trying to seep through his blinds while Louis continued to play with his hair. He tucked a curl behind Harry’s ear, tracing his finger behind his ear, down to his jaw and slowly made his way to Harry’s chin. He guided Harry’s head back up so their eyes could meet again.

“I’d also love it if you were my boyfriend.” Louis said quietly. It was a bold statement. And Louis wasn’t one for being this bold, but Harry looked up at him and that look in his eyes was gone. He looked so excited and his eyes were finally content and- Fuck, that made Louis so happy.

“I’d love that, too.” Harry said with a smile.

“It’s settled, then.” Louis announced with that same fondness laced in his voice. “Now,  _ please _ go to sleep.” 

“Last thing, I promise.” Harry said with a smug grin. Louis sighed and gave him a forced smile. “What colour do you think I should paint my nails next? I’m thinking maybe a grey- No, that’s too dull. Maybe yellow? Oh! Red?” Harry looked up to Louis, his chin resting on top of Louis’ right breast. “What do you think?”

“I think,” Louis closed his eyes for a brief moment, breathing in and out as he calmed himself down, humming as he breathed out his final breath. “I think I’m never letting you get your hands on another drink ever again.” He displayed a playful smile as Harry’s eyes crinkled, his smile so big that his dimples appeared. He cupped Harry’s face and said, “We’ll discuss this tomorrow. Go to sleep, love.”

They  _ finally _ slept, feeling both satisfied and content with what the future holds. 

—

Their future grew bleak. 

The boys went off to university in October. But, before they went off, a lot had occurred. 

Harry got a promotion at the bakery, which gave him a boost in his pay. Louis’ parents finally got him a new car. New to him, at least. Zayn had finally found an apartment in New York and would be living with a roommate while Liam and Niall got summer jobs of their own. Oh, and Niall taught Harry how to play the guitar. Just the basics, though, so, Harry bought an acoustic guitar and would spend most of his nights watching YouTube videos and practicing.

Everything between Louis and Harry was going well until they got into a falling out. 

That summer, they ended up sleeping together… And it was  _ so _ good. 

“So good, Niall.” Harry had said. “So, so good.”

“Mate, I don’t want the details.”

Louis had looked into and researched all about anal sex. Since he had never done that before, he wanted to make sure he was doing everything right and that it would be enjoyable for both he and Harry as well. When the time came, he was incredibly gentle and patient and remembered that he had to prep Harry and had to wait for him to be ready before Louis could enter him. It took them both a moment to adjust to the sensation, though, since Louis hadn’t slept with anyone in a while and, well, Harry had never slept with anyone period.

It was the best orgasm Louis had ever had. Maybe because Harry was so tight around him or maybe because he was looking down directly at Harry the entire time, watching his nose scrunch and eyebrows furrow, his lips part when he moaned Louis’ name, his nails digging into Louis’ bicep. Maybe because he was doing this with Harry and it was so intimate and he was so responsive to everything Louis did. Every touch and every kiss felt so much more significant during that moment and Louis swore that Harry was put into Louis’ life by God himself. He swore it. He  _ loved _ making Harry feel good.

And, Louis was right, Harry would relive that day when he was away from Louis and really needed to wank. All he had to do was close his eyes and he was good to go.

When Louis told the rest of boys, he said just that. “It was the best sex I’ve ever had. No joke, lads. Like-  _ Fuck. _ I know it’s a bit of overshare, but it was so good that I feel like I need to tell everyone.”

“If you don’t shut the fuck up right now…” Niall had said. He loved hearing about their relationship (and heard about it often from Harry), but there were some things that he’d rather not care to know. For example, two of his best mates’ sex lives. Another example, two of his best mates’ sex lives with each other.

They slept together often and it became a normal thing for them. They tried new things together to see how they’d like it and eventually started figuring out what they enjoyed most and least of all.

The hardest part though, was figuring out when and where they’d be doing it. Most of the time, it was at Harry’s. But, Gemma’s schedule was less hectic so she spent a lot more time at home and, when she wasn’t home, his mum almost always was.

The same occurrences took place at Louis’ house, but, given the amount of siblings he has, it was much worse. They did manage, though, to have sex at Louis’ house, but it was rare. He still hadn’t told Harry that Mark didn’t want him around, but he was able to figure out Mark’s schedules for the week and work around it.

There was one day, though, in late September where they had both just come and were lying lazily in bed, Harry on top of Louis, as Louis slowly pulled out of him, tied the condom, and tossed it on the ground. 

“That was good.” Harry mumbled sleepily.

“Just good?” Louis chuckled breathily as his eyelids grew heavier with each passing second.

“Really good.” Harry replied.

Stupidly, they both ended up falling asleep right afterwards. Louis didn’t know his mum was coming home early that day and Harry had skipped a day from school so that they could finally have the house for themselves and after having such an intense orgasm, the only thing Louis could do was take a nap.

And that’s how his mum found out.

She came home, saw Louis’ car in the driveway, and went to his bedroom to see how he was doing only to be met with a sleeping body on top of her son. At first, she thought nothing of the long, brunette haired person. She saw the used condom on the ground and slowly closed the door, shaking her head and trying to forget about that image.

Imagine their faces when Louis was walking Harry out later that day and saw his mum casually watching the telly in the living room. As Jay turned to them, her face went slack when her eyes landed on Harry. And, when she looked at Louis in disbelief, he knew that she knew and all of the confidence he had built up from being able to successfully sneak around for months was gone in a flash.

Harry, as charming and as clueless as he was, greeted her with a big smile and a hug. Louis stood there like an idiot, eyes wide and lips parted, as his mum studied him over Harry’s shoulder.

She offered to make Harry some tea, but Louis had interjected with, “No, he was just leaving.”

That sudden statement confused Harry and the stern look on Louis’ face scared the fuck out of him. He was bewildered and suddenly grew very awkward and felt so out of place. 

“Right, yeah. S-sorry.” He stuttered as he looked back and forth at the two.

When he got home that day, he remembers staring at his bedroom wall for a while trying to figure out what the fuck he did wrong this time.

—

Back at home, Louis tried to worm his way around the situation. He tried to lie and say that they were just sleeping, but Jay wasn’t ignorant. She literally saw a fucking used condom on the floor next to the bed that Louis was sharing with Harry. What the fuck was she supposed to think?

“Mum, we were just sleeping, that’s all.” He said. “He wasn’t feeling well so he stayed home from school and I invited him over. That’s it, I swear. We were just hanging out.”

“Louis, honey, you don’t have to lie to me-”

“I’m not lying to you!”

Jay sighed and sat down beside him on his bed. She put a hand on his knee and said, “It’s okay. You don’t have to hide it from me.”

Louis tapped his foot against the hardwood floor and looked away as his breathing grew rapid. He let out short breaths through his nose and pursed his lips. He didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t really ready for his mum to know about all of this yet.

“You’re not going to tell Mark, are you?” Louis asked quietly. He couldn’t meet her eyes.

“Not if you don’t want me to.” She replied, retracting her hand.

“Thank you.” He whispered. He put his elbows on his knees and leant forward, playing with his fingers and letting his anxiety consume him. “I’m sorry.”

“For what, love?”

“For not telling you sooner. Harry wanted me to, but I- I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I’m sorry you had to find out on your own.” Louis said sheepishly as he rubbed a hand over his face.

“Louis, you don’t have to apologize. It’s not easy talking about something like this and I just want you to know how proud I am of you. I’ll love you no matter what, okay?” Jay said.

Louis looked up at her and smiled as tears threatened to spill from his eyes. He hugged her so fucking tight and felt so blessed to have someone as understanding as Jay in his life. He loved her so fucking much.

The funniest part about all of this is that, when Louis told Lottie that their mum knows, she ran to her mum and started talking about Louis and Harry’s relationship.

“Oh my god, I’ve been  _ dying _ to talk about this with someone. I’ve literally had to keep quiet for months and-”

“Months?” Jay turned to Louis who had a blush growing on his cheeks as he sat cross-legged on his bed. “I thought this was like a first-time thing?”

“Um- No, we’ve been seeing each other for quite some time.” Louis replied as he tried to hide his face with his sweater paws.

Lottie went on about what an amazing person Harry was. How genuine and kind-hearted he was, how funny he was, and how much he cared for Louis.

“How long have you been seeing each other?” Jay asked.

“Well, I asked him to be my boyfriend in June. Actually, it was on the night of my graduation. But, we’d been chatting before that. Maybe, like, two months before?” He pinched his lip with his index finger and thumb as he tried to remember the timeline. “I’m not really sure. Harry’s better with all the dates, anyway.” Louis said as he picked at his fingernails.

“Is it serious?” She asked.

“Yeah, I’d say so.” Louis replied. “I really like him. I’ve liked him for a while, I was just too scared to actually act on my feelings, you know?”

“You were into boys all this time? What about Michelle?” Jay asked as Lottie tried to stifle a laugh.

Louis shrugged a shoulder and said, “I’ve never actually been into boys, um.” He looked down at his hands again, clutching fabric tightly in his fist. “Just Harry… I’m not sure why, but I was just kind of… drawn to him? I think- I don’t know.” He looked up at Lottie and Jay through his eyelashes. They both had fond smiles plastered on their faces. “He’s very charming, you know. Um- very attractive as well.” 

“He’s hot as fu-” Lottie started, but threw a hand over her mouth and slowly turned to Jay who carried a stern look. Lottie cleared her throat and pursed her lips, looking at Louis who was trying not to laugh.

“I second that.” He said with a laugh.

For a moment, Jay sloshed the wine in her glass around as she listened to Louis and Lottie talk about Harry. They said all kinds of positive things about him, but the only thought that ran through her mind was what Mark said to him a few months prior. She could tell by the look on Harry’s face that he was hurt by the comment and wondered if that was the reason Harry was sneaking around their house instead of coming over as regularly as he used to.

“What do you think, mum?” Louis asked with a big smile. She turned to him and blinked a few times. She stayed quiet for a beat. Louis tilted his head and furrowed his eyebrows a touch. “Mum?”

“Does he make you happy?” She asked softly. Louis was taken aback. He knew the answer, obviously, but wasn’t expecting to hear that in response to his own question.

“Yeah,” he breathed. “He does.”

“ _ Really _ happy.” Lottie muttered under her breath.

“Oi!” Louis nudged his elbow into her arm. “Shut it!”

Their conversation lasted for hours. Up until Mark came home later that evening. Louis wasn’t sure how the fuck this was all going to work. He wasn’t sure how he was even going to bring this up to Mark, or if he ever would. He knows how much this means to Harry though, them being open and all that, but there is no way Louis is ready for that. Absolutely no way.

Not when Mark would make homophobic comments that were so uncalled for they made Louis’ skin crawl. Not when he would look at gay and lesbian couples during a movie and scrunch his face in disgust. Especially not when they’d be sitting around the dining table, enjoying their family meal, when he’d randomly go on about how same-sex marriage is the only acceptable form of marriage.

Jay and Lottie always tried to create some sort of divergence from those types of conversations because they could see how much they hurt Louis. It was always a, “Ah, what does it matter anyway? It’s not our business,” from Jay and a, “Must we talk about this now?” from Lottie. None of it helped, though, because Mark always had some sort of defence ready against all of their remarks. And Louis always bottled those words up. Everything Mark said hurt him so severely. They bruised his ego and killed any confidence he had been trying so desperately hard to build.

He never brought it up to Harry. Mark’s words affected Louis so negatively and he never wanted Harry to have to hear them. So, he bottled everything up. But, every bottle has got to overflow at some point, right?

\--

The boys finally went off to university, but Harry and Louis would see each other once every two weeks. Their time apart not only made it that much more significant when they finally got to see each other again, but it also pulled them apart, literally and figuratively. 

Louis started growing more stressed as his classes went on while Harry had much less of a workload during his senior year since he made sure to complete his more difficult classes in the previous years. 

Because he was an English major, Louis was constantly reading something. Whether it be an article from a journal or a chapter from a book, Louis’ eyes were always running over words. And he was  _ so fucking tired. _ Some nights, he would fall asleep in the middle of reading a chapter from an assigned book and then he’d wake up in the middle of the night and have to frantically finish re-reading the chapter so that he was fully prepared for his discussion the next day in class.

Harry always tried to FaceTime him while he was reading so that he could catch Louis if he was falling asleep. And, for a while that worked and it really helped Louis stay on task, but Harry was taking two extra A.P. courses that year (because it looked better on his transcript) so he was constantly studying and wasn’t always available for FaceTime.

Every time Harry asked him how he was doing, Louis always responded that he was tired. He looked tired. He sounded tired.  _ He was so fucking tired. _

“I don’t get it,” He’d complain. “Do professors think that students are only taking their class each quarter? I mean- I’m taking three other courses and literally all I ever do is fucking read random bullshit all the time. Imagine if I had a job, how the fuck would I do all of these assignments, readings,  _ and _ go to work? What the actual fuck?”

“I’m sorry, Louis. Just- Keep going, okay? I believe in you and I know you can do this. Just keep working hard. I’m so proud of you.” Harry would say and, truthfully, the words of affirmation helped Louis so much. Hearing Harry say that he was proud of him only made Louis want to keep working as hard as he could because he always wanted Harry to be proud of him.

“I miss you.” Louis would quietly say as he watched Harry smile through the screen.

“I miss you, too, you big sap. Now, get back to work.”

“Play me something.” Louis loved hearing Harry sing. His deep, velvety voice always threatened to put him to sleep, but he loved hearing it anyways.

Harry would sigh, but a fond smile would be displayed upon his face and he’d ask what Louis wanted to hear. It was always, “Surprise me.” And Louis was always surprised when Harry would pick up his guitar, watch him tune the strings, and play something new he had learned recently. Sometimes Louis could recognize the melody and hum the words along to Harry’s singing.

There were times where Harry would play the guitar without singing because he would notice Louis’ eyes going back and forth over words in the book he was reading. The soft tune of the guitar always helped Louis focus and Harry didn’t mind playing for hours if Louis needed him to.

Here’s where it all went awry. Harry had gone to visit Louis at university on a nice day in mid October. They had planned around Louis’ schedule so that he wouldn’t have to do any work while Harry was visiting. Louis insisted that Harry spend the night in his dorm and Harry agreed because he knew what the night would entail and they both desperately needed each other. It had been too long.

Upon his arrival, Harry could see just how much Louis’ work was taking a toll on him. Every time Louis saw Harry in person, he instantly felt at ease. Almost like Harry’s presence was enough to take all of Louis’ stress away and his touch calmed him down to the point of ultimate serenity.

That day, they’d gone out for lunch and spent the day at a nearby park. They sat on a bench and talked for hours, catching up on everything and anything. They tried to avoid talking about school for obvious reasons so Harry talked mostly about what was going on back home. How he and Lottie have been hanging out and going to the mall together or out to eat. He talked about Niall and Liam and how they spend a lot of their weekends back home. Louis talked about his chats with Zayn and how much he seems to be enjoying New York. He would twirl a piece of Harry’s hair while they twisted their bodies to face each other.

Harry loved it. The fact that no one around them knew or cared about them. They could be whoever they wanted to be here. And Louis loved it, too. He didn’t have to conceal his feelings for Harry and he didn’t have to give anyone an explanation. People would walk by them and mind their business. It was great.

On their walk back to the dorm later that day, one of Louis’ friends spotted them and shouted, “Louis!” Both Harry and Louis turned around and watched the boy walk over to them. “Hey, mate.”

“Hey, Jacob. All right?” Louis replied, giving him a small handshake.

“Yeah, yeah. All good, you?” Jacob replied, pulling his backpack strap higher up his shoulder.

“Good. Just heading back to my dorm.” Louis said as he stuffed his hands in his pockets.

Harry stood there with an awkward smile as he looked back and forth between Louis and Jacob.

Jacob put his hand out towards Harry and said, “I’m Jacob, it’s nice to meet you.”

“Harry,” He replied as he took Jacob’s hand. “Nice to meet you, too.”

“Right, sorry. Jacob, this is my friend, Harry.” Louis said.

Friend?

“Do you go here?” Jacob asked.

“I don’t actually. I came to visit Louis for the weekend.”

“Yeah, we should get going.” Louis said. It was almost as if he was in a hurry to leave, but Harry couldn’t imagine why.

“Oh, alright. I’ll see you around, then.” Jacob said as Louis began walking off.

“Bye. It was nice to meet you.” Harry said as he hurried to catch up to Louis. They walked silently down the corridor of the hall before they got to Louis’ door. Louis looked at the stacks of books and the mess of papers on his desk and sighed.

He kicked off his shoes, trudged to his bed, and laid down on his stomach, burying his face into his pillow and letting out a deep breath. Harry sat on the foot of the bed and intertwined his fingers.

“Are you alright?” Harry asked quietly.

“Tired.” Louis said, his voice muffled by the pillow. 

Harry placed his hand on Louis’ calf and said, “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“No.” Louis stated. He turned his head so the side of his face was now visible. 

“Is everything okay between us?” Harry asked timidly. Louis didn’t respond right away and the silence left Harry feeling empty inside. He could tell something wasn’t right.

Louis lifted his head and turned to look at Harry over his shoulder. He adjusted himself on the bed and sat up. “Why wouldn’t it be?” He asked.

“Why did you introduce me to Jacob as your friend? Why didn’t you tell him I’m your boyfriend?” Harry asked, meeting Louis’ gaze. “Are you embarrassed of me?”

It was almost as if history was repeating itself. It was like they were back in Louis’ bedroom when Louis lied about the love bite. It was like Harry was that same insecure boy that he tried so hard not to be. And what was worse about this situation was that Louis was already so stressed about school that he had little patience for anything. Especially not for something like this.

“Not this again.” Louis sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose and leaned his head forward.

“Why didn’t you tell him I’m your boyfriend?” Harry repeated sternly.

“Because I didn’t want to?” Louis said sarcastically. He stood up and walked over to his desk chair and placed both of his hands on top of the backrest and clutched it tightly.

Harry stood up and crossed his arms. “Why not?” He replied with the same hint of sarcasm.

“Why do you insist on everyone having to know? Why does that matter to you so much?”

“Because I care about you. Because I’m proud to call you mine. Because I want you to be as comfortable with our relationship as I am.”

“I  _ am _ comfortable with our relationship.” Louis said through gritted teeth as he spun around to face Harry.

“No, you’re not. If you were, you would introduce me to your  _ fucking _ friends as your boyfriend.” Harry spat. He glared at Louis while he waited for a response, but Louis stood there quietly, shooting daggers at Harry. Harry uncrossed his arms, sighed, and sat down on the bed again. He shifted his gaze to the floor and softly said, “I just want to be loved, Lou. Is that too much to ask?”

Louis shook his head in frustration. “You’re putting me in a weird position.”

“You’re making it weird. It doesn’t have to be weird…” Harry said. He looked down at his hands and started picking at his fingernails. “You like me, don’t you, Lou?”

“Of course I do.”

“Then, why can’t you just embrace that? Why can’t you such accept it-”

“It’s not that easy, Harry.”

“But, it is-”

“It’s not!” Louis shouted, making Harry flinch. “Maybe for you, it is. But, for me? For me,  _ it’s not. _ You don’t understand and you’re being so fucking selfish. You’re cornering me to a wall and begging for me to just drop everything and ‘love’ you, whatever the fuck that means.” He stared intently at Harry while Harry kept his wide eyes fixed to the floor. “You just don’t get it. It’s not always sunshine and blue skies and- and fucking rainbows, Harry!” He sighed exasperatedly. “I’ve accepted it. I know what I want. I want  _ you. _ I have feelings for  _ you. _ You know it, I know it, hell, almost everyone around us knows it.” He paused for a second to cool off. He took a few deep breaths before he turned back around to face his desk. “I’ve accepted it… But, he won’t.” He added quietly.

Harry looked up to Louis. He studied the way his back was slouched forward and how his head was hung in defeat.

“He?” Harry said softly.

“Mark.” Louis replied, voice gruff. “He won’t accept it. I know he won’t.”

Harry stood up slowly from the bed and kept his hands behind his back. “Louis,” he started. “All due respect, but you shouldn’t let him stop you from doing or being something that makes you happy. I get that he’s your father and, obviously, you don’t want to upset him, but is his approval really worth a lifetime of unhappiness?” He took a timid step forward just as Louis turned his head to the side. “I know it’s not easy, I’ve been in your shoes before, but you can’t jump to conclusions and assume that he’s not going to accept you for who you are. He’s your dad, Louis.”

Louis took in everything Harry was saying. He’s right, Louis doesn’t want to upset Mark. He doesn’t want to upset anyone, really. But, would he really be living a ‘lifetime of unhappiness’ like Harry said?

Honestly, even though Louis’ not out of the closet, he still feels pretty happy with Harry. He loves where their relationship stands right now. He doesn’t mind keeping it a secret until the day he dies. He likes the privacy of it all.

But, is that fair to Harry? Harry wants to be open and he wants to share the love he has for Louis with the whole world, but that’s fucking scary, isn’t it? How is he not afraid of what everyone is going to say about them? He’d heard so many slurs directed towards Harry at their highschool and the more he defended Harry the more people questioned Louis’ morals. He always managed to brush everyone off, but the thought that people would say such offensive things about Harry without even getting to know the guy first scared the absolute fuck out of Louis.

He was so lost in his head trying to process everything that he almost missed what Harry said next.

“Let me know if I’ve overstepped a boundary, but if he can’t accept the fact that you’re not straight, then fuck him. Don’t let that stop you from loving whomever you want to love.” And maybe Harry was still a little pissed off about the comment Mark made about his nails. Given he never received a formal apology for it, it was hard to forget something that was so unnecessarily malicious. “He’s a tosser, anyway. An absolute twat, if you’d ask me.” Harry bit the inside of the right corner of his lips. He looked down at his nails for a moment, shrugged, and said, “Fuck him, his opinion doesn’t matter. Who cares about what he thinks?”

Louis turned fully around and faced Harry. Their eyes met and Harry watched Louis’ eyebrows furrow and one of his fists clench. 

“What do you mean ‘fuck him?’” Louis clenched his jaw and pursed his lips. “Are you fucking with me right now?”

Harry crossed his arms over his chest and tilted his head in confusion. “What?” He asked.

“ _ I _ care about what he thinks.” Louis said, pointing at himself. “Don’t fucking talk about him like that. He’s my fucking dad, you fucking dickhead.” Louis snapped. “He’s the only father I’ve ever known and he cares about all of us so much and he takes care of my mum and my sisters and… What makes you think it’s okay to say that shit about him, huh?”

Harry was completely stunned. He opened his mouth to speak a few times, but never actually said anything. What was he supposed to say? He looked around the room frantically and tried to come up with something to say that could calm Louis down, but, judging by the look on Louis’ face, he was awfully irritated.

“I’m sorry, I- I didn’t-” Harry stuttered.

Louis tilted his head to the side and squinted his eyes. “You know, I’m getting tired of you apologizing. ‘I’m sorry.’” He mocked. “Seems like that’s all you say these days. Do you even know what you’re sorry for anymore?” He waited for a response and when Harry just stared up at him with his wide, green eyes, Louis continued, “You’ll apologize a million times over, but will never admit when you’re wrong.”

Harry chewed on his bottom lip, deep in contemplation. Neither of them broke eye contact. The tension between them building higher, higher, higher until Harry felt his heart rate increase. His heart was thumping in his ears so fucking loudly. He tapped his shoe against the floor fervently. Louis raised his eyebrows, almost as if he was challenging Harry to speak.

“I’m not going to admit that I’m wrong when I think I’m right.” Harry said, tilting his head to the other side with his eyebrows furrowed. He ran his tongue between his lips, from one corner of his mouth to the other. He swallowed and added, “I meant every word I said.”

Louis’ blood was boiling. He felt like he was going to fucking explode in that very moment. He felt like steam was shooting out of his ears, as it did in cartoons, and he clenched his jaw so tight, to the point where he started hearing ringing in his ears.

“Get out.” Louis said through gritted teeth.

“What?”

“Get the fuck out.” Louis said. He looked down at Harry’s bag. He picked it up and shoved it in Harry’s arms. “Leave.”

Harry clutched his bag and stared at Louis like a deer in headlights. “Louis, wait-” Louis walked over to the door, opened it, and stood by it and waited for Harry to leave. “I didn’t mean that-”

“I don’t care. Leave.” Louis replied, his voice laced with disgust and hatred in his piercing eyes.

Harry slowly walked towards the door as his breath hitched and anxiety built in his chest and made his entire body heat up incredibly fast. He stopped by the doorway and looked at Louis with tears building in his eyes. “I’m sorry that I offended you.” He said quietly.

Louis looked away and stared down at his shoes as he shook his head. He’s never been more pissed off at Harry before. He’s just so tired of Harry constantly pushing him to tell everyone every fucking thing about their relationship. Can’t they just be together without having to disclose their sexualities with everyone? Like, why is that so hard for Harry to understand? Louis is not ready to come out and if that bothers Harry so much then he should be with someone who is more brave and more courageous than Louis is. He deserves that kind of reciprocation that Louis can’t offer.

When Louis doesn’t reply, Harry sighs and takes another step forward. He hangs his head and grips his bag tighter.

“Harry,” Louis said suddenly. Harry quickly snapped his head in Louis’ direction with hopeful eyes. He bit his lip and waited for Louis to continue. He could tell that Louis had a lot on his mind, but what Louis said next was not what he was expecting to hear. “Don’t come back here anymore.”

Harry froze. His lips parted and his face went slack. He tilted his head in confusion. Louis didn’t want him to visit anymore? “W-why not?” He asked.

Louis’ hand gripped the doorknob tighter. “I’m done with all of this.” His palms began sweating as did his forehead and the back of his neck. He felt hot all over. He took in a deep breath and said, “It’s over between us.”


End file.
